I am so scared that it will never get better

[Cf]

I don't think that I can do this anymore. I can't deal with crying everyday and knowing how far away it is going to be before I am actually going to be happy and I am worried that I will never get there. I hurt myself last night because its the only way I felt like I could get all the pain out. My only thoughts now are that I don't want to be here and I'd it wasn't for how bad it would destroy my family I would end it now. 

[Ruth_M]

Hi Cf,

You sound really hopeless, but we're really glad that you have turned to this website for help. There are so many people on this forum who have been where you are at now- depressed, losing hope and wanting to end it all- and who can tell you that things won't always be this hard. 

Despite what depression may try to tell you, suicide is not your only option to escape this darkness, and you're right, it would absolutely devastate your family. You didn't mention whether you are connected with any support services or counsellors- if so do they know how bad things are for you right now? It's really important to let others help you through this, until you can really believe in that light at the end of the tunnel. Know that you can call our support line at any time on 1300 22 46 36. It's free and the counsellors are caring and experienced in talking with others who are struggling with these thoughts. Please give them a call. 

We sense that you do want to get things better, and it's great that you have bravely shared your feelings with us on this forum. There are many who can offer their own words of support, encouragement and advice. Please hang in there and stay in touch with us all to let us know how you are getting on. 

With best wishes

beyondblue moderation team

[Memsy]

Hi CF , it is a tough road we're sent down to deal with shit.

why we cry why we even exist at times but we are just thats the bottom line we are so others can seek help.

Was a self harmer in my teens then found other ways to crucify my head lol

so fully understand, just want a way for the pain to get out to ease to just not feel it for we don't have an understanding of why we feel the way we do.

But hang in there as I have keep touch with this site best I have found  so lets all have another take.

 even when we don't want to

[Cannstar]

Hi cf,

I know how you are feeling.  I haven't done much self harm but have planned my suicide and wished I had the courage to go through with it soooo many times.  So many times I have come close to ending things, then to 'chicken out'. Crying my eyes out the whole time.  Why? Why did I have to feel like this every day? What did I do to deserve this? 

It does get better though.  You just have to believe it will.  One thing I found useful was to write down 3 things every day that I am grateful for.  Sounds simple huh?! It was really hard.  The first week I could only just find 1 thing. They were little things like, that first cup of tea in the morning. That the sun was warm on my face. The hug my little boy gave me and his beautiful smile.  Gradually I was grateful for more things and I started to feel more positive and even .... dare I say it....... happy at times.

Its hard to come back from where you are but it can be done.  Try and find some good in your life to focus on and have it in the forefront of your mind all the time.  Write it down and put it somewhere you will always see.  Talk to your doctor as well. 

Use this forum for inspiration as well and know that you are not alone!!!

[vip]

Hi Cf totally can relate to this feeling. I attempted suicide 3 years ago and survived now I am on this forum to help others out. I am fully recovered but it has taken me the 3 years plus being a sufferer with depression for 22 years. Lying in the intensive care ward i looked at my families faces and the tears and sadness in their faces is something i can never forget. Please see your gp psych continue with the medication it will take time but you will get there slowely. Write down in a diary 1 good thing you will do everyday and tick it off. Example I will go for a walk and grab a coffee at my local coffee shop bring a book along and read . Just a simple thing like this will help put that spark in your life that life is beautiful and should be enjoyed every minute and not to be wasted at all. Do not isolate yourself ring a friend or ring beyond blue and write on these forums you will begin to realise there are heaps of us on this forum experiencing these feelings or have recovered from it . Never ever give up I feel  you want to get better keep the communication lines open . Take care and hope this helps lift your spirits.

[geoff]

dear Cf, I am so sorry that I have only found this post now and the seriousness of your situation.

In depression we sit down and cry, and then more tears, when the blo------y hell will they ever stop, they don't, we cry at the smallest thing, maybe an ad on TV, or it could even be a cartoon with empathy, we can't put two words together, and we look at our dog who is sitting down and smothers us with their eyes and the love that they show in their face.

We know how you feel and the devastation that you want to sleep, many of have tried but thankfully we didn't achieve this, because deep down our love for our family is too strong, and I personally know that my two sons would be heart broken.

We never ever know how long this beast will stay with us, no one knows, but this is where we have to help each other as much as we can.

It's been 3 days since you have posted so please contact us. Geoff.

[Cf]

Last weekend was my lowest point and I hate that my only thought is that I want to end it.  My boyfriend broke up with me and it definitely doesn't help dealing with that and dealing with depression.  I have just started seeing a psychologist.  I guess atm, it just doesnt feel like it is doing anything, because the feeling of being so upset is so overwhelming it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I feel so alone.  It is really hard explain to friends and family that  you are upset, because no one understands how deep the feelings go (besides everyone on here) and it is so easy for everyone to say "it will get better"

I hope that one day, when I am feeling better, than I can come on here and offer people encouragement and provide hope that it will get better...atm I just can't see that.

[vip]

Hi Cf I know about those scary thoughts all too well. Good that you are seeing a psych. Are you on any medication at all because this is definately important as well. Good on you for speaking about it keep speaking and telling everyone how you feel whoever doesnt get it too bad you are the most important person and the one that counts. You will get there believe me it took me 3 years and Im still working at it but it will improve really truly believe that. You are not alone here you can speak to the lovely people on this forum and speak to councillors on beyond blue you really need professional independant people here when family and friends dont get it. This I have had to do also. Never believe you are alone there are 1000's of us here in the same boat keep the communications lines open to all of us. Take care

[m-gal]

It sounds like you are speaking my mind. 
Literally how I feel every day of the week. 
But there must be something keeping you alive, because you're still here. 

Hold onto whatever that is i guess. 

[geoff]

dear Cf, I'm so sorry you are trying to cope with two major concerns, and it couldn't be much worse than this, as one compounds the other, which makes it a vicious circle.

When I was seeing my psychologist for 20 odd years I have to say that the majority of that time I also thought that nothing was happening, although when I sat in the chair an enormous sigh of relief came over me, I felt safe with her, but then had to face reality again when I left her.

She was good and maybe I needed that sigh of relief every week, and that feeling of being safe, but now that she has gone I can not relate to any one else, her shoes were too big to fit by a new psychologist.

By you posting on here your comment is helping someone else, because they are in the same situation as you are, so they follow your post hoping that maybe you find a solution that will help them, or alternatively they might be able to assist you. L Geoff. x