I am sinking

Lilith16 · ‎21-05-2021

I have so much to write but I am so exhausted and dumbed down by the depression.
I couldn’t take my 5 year old to school today, I just kinda broke. I was supposed to help out in her class for the first time. I’m such a shit Mum. My husband came home from work and took her late but you could tell that he was disgusted in me. He’d deny that, but it was pretty obvious. Mental illness is ok as long as I’m not effecting everyone else too badly I guess.

im waiting until the 15th so I can go inpatient for over 3 weeks to get TMS. It helped last year but I have to leave my 5 and 3 year old. I’m a stay at home Mum. My 5 yo girl is showing signs of it affecting her, my 3 year old doesn’t understand yet but he’s a mummy’s boy.

iwishthis was more articulate. I hate myself. I’m in bed. Look like something the cat dragged in and just don’t care. Husband is now working from home and I just feel disgusting around him.

he tries to pep talk me. It makes me want to scream. Then that doesn’t work so he ignores me.

Sophie_M · ‎21-05-2021

Hi Lilith16,

We are so sorry to hear that you are feeling so low at the moment, depression is an incredibly difficult thing to live with and with the added pressure of family we can hear that you are finding it tough. It is totally understandable that you feel this way. We want to thank you for showing such courage and for sharing how you are feeling on the forums. Maybe someone else who is feeling like you are will see this and not feel so alone.

We think that it would be useful for you to speak to someone about how you are feeling right now and so we have a put a few options below. When you call Beyond Blue you are able to talk to one of our amazing counselling team that can help you feel better in the moment as well as point you in the direction of further support. Relationships Australia are great at offering support to people that are having a tough time with their partners and might be able to offer some suggestions that will help you.

Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636
Relationship Australia 1300 364 277

We hope there is something there for you that will help and that you are feeling ok. Please feel free to come back and update the forums on how you are going if you feel comfortable doing so.

Kind regards ,
Sophie M

Petal22 · ‎21-05-2021

Hi Lilith16,

Sorry you are feeling this way....

I had severe anxiety OCD....... some mornings felt like a marathon to get through....... I’d have to push through the crippling anxiety...... one thing I never let it do was to stop me from doing anything I wanted to do..... no matter how terrible I felt I had determination to do it.....

I learned a depressed mind won’t want to do anything you have to over ride it...... YOU CAN!

Please don’t allow your condition to stop you from doing things with your children..... I know it’s hard but try to push through it.....

I remember being a parent helper on a morning my anxiety was out of control but do you know what I still did it because I was determined not to let it win..... I got through it..... our soul is a tough resilient thing ..... push through no matter how your body is feeling......

I have now recovered from my condition thanks to the help of professionals....... are you in any type of therapy? I was also put on an antidepressant for my anxiety...... I did therapy for OCD.... I now have many skills to cope with OCD if I need them...... have you been taught any skills for your condition?

here if you want to chat 😊

Cee123 · ‎21-05-2021

Anxiety is different in that if you want to not let it control you - you push through and face it as much as you can, it's really difficult and a struggle living with anxiety. I know firsthand with my experience with social anxiety and generalized anxiety. It isn't easy to just face up to it. It's a long and painful struggle and it takes years of your life. Depression is a bit different in that respect, no amount of pushing through makes it better. I don't know how some people can still function, go to work each day etc. No amount of pushing through can give you the energy, the willpower, the motivation or even the clarity to function properly. I can relate to what you're going through. It can make even the most simple things in life too difficult to do. And you can't explain it to other people - they think you've got two arms, two legs, just do it... You're just complaining. But it's not like that at all. It's both physically and mentally exhausting and demoralizing.

I understand how you feel about your husband giving you pep talks. This is why we don't often talk about it I think, because other people don't know or understand the struggle. They think you can just think happy thoughts, do things you enjoy or just cheer up and it goes away. It doesn't.

I've heard good things about TMS. Never tried it myself, don't even know where it's available. I'm wondering whether it could help myself. I've also heard good things about TDCS (transcranial direct current stimulation) but I'd be too scared to try it myself. I've been on a number of antidepressant medications as well, with limited effectiveness.

Lilith16 · ‎26-05-2021

Petal22 said:
Hi Lilith16,

Sorry you are feeling this way....

I had severe anxiety OCD....... some mornings felt like a marathon to get through....... I’d have to push through the crippling anxiety...... one thing I never let it do was to stop me from doing anything I wanted to do..... no matter how terrible I felt I had determination to do it.....

I learned a depressed mind won’t want to do anything you have to over ride it...... YOU CAN!

Please don’t allow your condition to stop you from doing things with your children..... I know it’s hard but try to push through it.....

I remember being a parent helper on a morning my anxiety was out of control but do you know what I still did it because I was determined not to let it win..... I got through it..... our soul is a tough resilient thing ..... push through no matter how your body is feeling......

I have now recovered from my condition thanks to the help of professionals....... are you in any type of therapy? I was also put on an antidepressant for my anxiety...... I did therapy for OCD.... I now have many skills to cope with OCD if I need them...... have you been taught any skills for your condition?

here if you want to chat 😊

I know you’re trying to be helpful but you can’t just push through depression. It sounds the same as ‘snap out of it’.
if I could, then I would. I already feel like a failure because I can’t do all the things that I want to do and should be able to do. I become paralysed.
my life is a constant battle. If it wasn’t for my kids I wouldn’t be here. I’m a fighter, I’ve tried everything you can think of except ect and the new ketamine therapy.
but I’ve tried all the meds and combinations, hospital stays and tms, cbt, DBT, etc. therapy, meditation, blah blah blah. I still try. I don’t give up, because I love my family so I keep fighting.
but I live in so much pain and guilt.

Lilith16 · ‎26-05-2021

Yes, exactly this.

I have limited choices because I can’t take antidepressants at all. Not only the side effects, they actually make my condition worse and that’s even when I try them in cocktails with other meds to supposedly even them out. Doesn’t happen, I get agitated depression and start self harming and really considering hurting myself.
I think as far as therapy goes, DBT is great but when your in the depths of depression... nothing touches that. It’s not just negative thoughts, it’s the physical symptoms that ruin my life. I become almost comatose, any kind of movement is painful, light kills me. My brain gets weighed down in a fog and i feel hopeless.

I try so hard to be a good mum and partner. This isn’t how it was supposed to be. And now I’m facing over 3 weeks of staying in hospital without my babies. I don’t want to go but it’s the only way to get TMS covered by health insurance. It’s thousands of dollars out of pocket as an outpatient.

Sophie_M · ‎26-05-2021

Hi Lilith16,

Were sorry to hear that you are struggling so much and having to go through the ordeal of living with depression, while being in hospital without your babies. We can only image how difficult that must be for you, which also leads to SH and considering to hurt yourself. Hopefully your stay in the hospital goes as smooth as it possibly can, especially considering that you are missing your family so much.

Once you are out we would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

You are not alone and the community is here to support you.

Lilith16 · ‎26-05-2021

Thank you. I’m not in hospital yet. I’m booked to go in on the 15th of June because I’ve had to organise help looking after the kids while I’m not here.
I’m just waiting and trying to cope now.

Aaronsis · ‎26-05-2021

Hi Lilith16

Please feel that you can share as much as you are capable of typing Lilith16, it is so great that you are able to come and chat.

I don't know how hard this is, I don't know the feelings of hopelessness you feel and mostly the pain that goes through your body when the depression is at its worst, what I do know is one simple thing you wrote "I still try. I don’t give up, because I love my family so I keep fighting." This is wonderful to hear that you are able to fight, even if it is just to get out of bed, to make it to the next moment to be able to take the next step. I hear what you say in that you feel like a "shit mum", that you feel like your husband is "disgusted" in you, I am so sorry that with all you are managing that you feel so bad about yourself. While you are not being the mum you would like to be right now, that does not make you a shit mum. You love your children and are doing the very best you can, with what each day brings and this takes courage. You are fighting for them and for you and this is not the actions of a shit mum.

I was wondering if I could ask you about how your husband responds, you may not even know the answer but you mentioned that when he tries to pep talk you that it doesn't work and it makes you want to scream. Do you know how you would like him to respond to you when you are feeling like this? Like I said, you may not know but if you do know perhaps letting him know how to engage with you or what to do or say when you feel like this so he feels like he is helping, and that he is working with you, that in turn what he is doing works for you and can get you through that moment. I think this might make you feel like you are on the same team, and also is great for him too as he can see that what he is doing might make a small difference, instead of pepping you up and you getting frustrated and withdrawing.

I also wanted to say that you are not disgusting, you are a person who is going through a rough time and you are a person who is trying so very hard, sure, you may look like something that the cat has dragged in but that is also not who you are either. Taking a shower might be the only thing you do in a day and if you can manage that then that is a huge win for you, it may also allow you to feel a sense of achievement and also the feeling of the water washing over you could be like it is washing away today's pain.

I hope to chat to you some more and see how things are going for you. If you like.

Hugs

Sarah xx

Lilith16 · ‎26-05-2021

Thank you so much Sarah. Your words mean so much to me.