I am scared to death of falling apart again.

[El_Guapo]

Hello everyone, I feel like I am starting to feel waves of depression, anxiety and all the other horrible things that come along with breaking down. I am 55 years of age and 22 years ago I went through Clinical Depression and it took me almost 18 months to recover. I had no help no support and what I went through only god knows. I lost my wife, house, children and my mind in the process. Eventually I recovered and unexpectedly and a new partner came into my life, she was full of love, compassion, care and thanks to her my miserable life found love and hope again. We have been together for 20 years and now she is going through a full breakdown. Between us our relationship has been one of love, friendship and love being with each other. Some 20 months ago she had a minor midlife crisis and moved to her mums, she was riddled with guilt thinking how much it was hurting me, but somehow the fact, that I knew that her issues were to do with her own and not me gave me the strength to stay strong, at peace and be there for her, always loving supportive and reassuring. She moved in with her mum for six months and unfortunately though she is not aware of it her family and their expectations of her have been a major contribution to her persona of being a peoples pleaser and thinking of others before her self. After being with her mum for six months, we found a new beautiful apartment and move in together again. While I was at work she decided to study from home but being alone during the day and not having dealt with her issues and demons slowly broke her down until she was miserable and full of self hate, health issues,sadness,depression and slowly there was nothing left of her. As much as I tried to encourage her I was unable to help her. She left 8 weeks ago and has moved in back with her mum as she can not be left alone, she was unable to stay with me because she could not be surrounded by her life. Thankfully she has good medical support and counselling. We talk to each other ever few days and as always I am loving, supportive and never put any pressure on her in any way. However for the past week my mind has gone into thoughts of fear and suddenly I am also in a very bad way. I am not eating, full of tears, fear of the unknown, riddled with anxiety and finding it hard to cope, indeed I am sinking fast. I can not let her know what is happening to me as it would devastate her. My fear is, that somehow our love with die and she will not come back. Dear God help me.

[Kazzl]

Hello El Guapo, welcome to beyondblue. I am so sorry this is happening to you. It's just the pits when you feel that horrible sinking feeling coming back. You know what it is, you know it has a life of its own, and you feel afraid and powerless. Aaarrrgghh, I know.

You're no stranger to this, but this time your anxiety and feelings of being unwell are complicated by your deep concern for your partner. I can feel how much you love her and how scared you are of losing her. I think though mate, you must first and foremost take care of yourself. You can't help her if you're unwell, and you can't see the situation clearly and possible ways forward unless your mind is clear.

You say you had no support or help first time around. This time, you need to get some. Your doctor, a counsellor. Someone who will treat and care for you. Not you as part of someone else's life, just you. If you feel you should be doing more for the one you love, then do this. A well, strong, understanding and resilient partner is vital to her now, even if she doesn't realise it. And, being well, and strong, is vital to you to get through whatever the future may hold, be it good or bad.

Seize this depression thing by the scruff mate. Don't be afraid of it, arm yourself with the means to fight it. Get help - it's there for you.

Very best wishes to you, and please keep talking here. We generally just scratch the surface the first time we reach out, so keep in touch and talk eh?

Kaz

[El_Guapo]

Kaz, 

you so much for your kind words and good advice.

Currently I am like a yo yo, one moment I am ok the next I feel like the tears are building but I am too afraid to cry. I am afraid to cry because at times I do not know if, I am in need of just letting it out or if misery loves company, and the tears will only lead me down the road of deeper depression. Yes I do need help and will seek it, I need all the help I can to try and find that peace and strength I possessed the first time in order to be able to be happy and also play the supportive role, for the one I love and cherish. Most of all I need to eat, the first time I suffered clinical depression I went from 90kg down to 48 and the battle was horrendous to try and regain my health. Once again, thank you and God Bless

El Guapo.

[Aussie_Fella]

Hi El Guapo, I too are going through a crisis at the moment with depression and the fears of loosing the ones I love. My wife knows all the thoughts that hurt me as I tell her everything. She may not have depression as your partner does but if she did I would be thankful if she told me while I battle mine. I wouldn't blame myself for her depression, I would in fact kick in the natural instinct to help her which in turns helps us to fight the battle together. Your partner may benefit knowing you both are on even ground. Your fear of loss may hurt you now but understanding that it is only a fear and not reality is the power to make change to the situation. 

[El_Guapo]

Hi Aussie Fella,

thank you so much for taking the time to chat buddy, I really appreciate it. I have told my partner I am not 100% but have not told her the extent of my anxiety or falling apart. It comes in waves of madness, at times I feel ok and then a few moments later I am fighting back the tears, anxiety, loss and fear. Aussie I don't blame myself for my girls depression as I know that the vast majority of her breakdown is to do with her own issues with her family, being a people pleaser and pretty much having giving all her life to those around her and finding herself empty, lost,unhappy and not knowing who she is. My role in her life has been one of love, laughter, good friendship and a very happy one. Unfortunately a  major problems with her breakdown is that she feels overwhelming guilt in not being with me because she is not able to cope with her own self, and anything associated with me riddles her with guilt as she believes she is hurting me in the process. Hard for one to get their head around this but never the less, that is the way she feel that being home or having me around for too long raises her anxiety levels to the point of tears. Many times with depression you can not be around the one you love the most because of so many issues that confront them.  Crazy but then again depression and clinical depression takes on all forms of madness and manifestations.

Aussie, I am so glad you are able to talk to your partner as it brings comfort knowing they are still part of your life, they love you and hold your hand through the process. It is such a horrible thing to go through buddy and there is so much of it around us, it is really sad. It is heart breaking.

You are right it is only a fear I am fearing and I know it has to do with abandonment issues from way back. Went to the docs today as I know I need help, I have an appointment with a counselor on the 15th as everyone is on  a break, fair enough, we all need one. I am normally such a strong person but today I walked into the docs and broke down, I could not believe this was happening and the realization that the journey has just begun. I pray for you Aussie and all of us on this site that are suffering mate. Take care and I send you all my love.

Mingo.

AKA El Guapo.