I am pretending everything is ok but really it's not

[Kimbles]

I am very new to the forum world am quite frankly this scares me. I have been suffering depression for what seems most of my life with periods of very dark times  followed by some times where I feel I doing ok. I am in a dark place right now and feel so alone. I surround myself with people who have absolutely no idea what is going inside. I just feel sad all the time. I have isolated myself over the last 12 months as I feel paranoid that why would anyone want to be my friend. I have nothing to offer. I over analysis everything and quite frankly I am exhausted feeling this way. I have a family but I have pushed my husband away, I am pretending everything is ok but really itś  not. I hate it, I just feel that everyone hates me.

[Zeal]

Hi Kimbles,

Welcome to the forum - everyone is welcome here 🙂

I'm really sorry to hear that you are in a dark place right now. Having depression or another mental illness makes it hard to socialise. When I had an eating disorder fuelled by OCD just over three years ago, I isolated myself socially and didn't give myself a chance to connect with others. It was like this for well over a year, and I haven't been happy socially until this year. I felt ashamed about my severe mental health condition, and didn't want to involve others. As I looked so frail and sick, I knew that people could tell just by looking at me that there was something wrong.

I can appreciate that you are probably worried about being negative around others. I highly recommend going to your GP and talking through how you are feeling. They can refer you to a counsellor or psychologist if that is an option you will consider. If you have regular appointments where you can openly discuss your emotions and feelings, particularly the negative or challenging ones, you will be less inclined to vent to friends or social contacts. If you are feeling overwhelmed with negative thoughts and emotions in the moment, try typing how you feel. Don't worry about how it reads, or spelling and grammar. Just type to get the thoughts out, however they come out. If you do this on a Word document, you can delete it afterwards. I have done this before and genuinely found it helped to control my racing thoughts. This won't work for everyone and is only a short-term solution, but is worth a try.

I hope others will reply to you too, so that you have different perspectives.

Best wishes,

SM

[claire33]

Hi Kimbles.

I understand this feeling. I pretend things are ok to my loved ones, I find it easier to tell someone who is further away from me emotionally about how I feel. I don't like to tell my partner, family or friends how I am feeling and how I think I am failing.... However, when I do tell them, I usually feel a bit better and it helps me find the motivation to start looking after myself properly by eating well, exercising and going to my doctor or counsellor to chat.

Currently, I too am in the state of pretending things are okay. I haven't told my loved ones that I am very close to failing this semester of Uni. Very stressed about it but cannot find the motivation to do anything about it. Have let my family know I am struggling... but not the extent of it.

[Lucym]

I am very new to these forums as well, I'm sorry to hear how bad you're feeling. I've tried writing my thoughts down, it helped for a little while but I found I soon kept reading what I'd written over and over again and it eventually made me cry to see how I had felt at the time. It's great that you have reached out on this forum, I have found that writing my thoughts on this forum has been the best so far, everyone on these forums are going through stuff as well, and talking feelings and thoughts through with people who have more of an understanding of what you're going through has helped me a bit as I hope it helps you. I think it would be a good idea to make an appointment with your doctor to see what they recommend. I don't think everybody hates you and I think a counsellor or psychologist will help with those thoughts. May be a good idea to eventually let loved ones know how you are feeling, when I bottled up my feelings it got worse. I hope all of our comments help you in some little way. Cherish the good times, you really do deserve happiness in life, everybody deserves happiness 🙂