i am having a big depressive episode and i need help

[itsbyaxl]

i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when i was in my early teens and  turned 18 just last year. i have been really struggling but recently it’s gotten very bad. i have drifted away from my high school friends so i currently don’t have any friends other than my boyfriend who i have been seeing for a few months. I want to be able to talk to someone about how i feel but my parents and i have a struggling relationship so it’s hard for me to talk to them about my feelings and i don’t want to feel like a burden to my boyfriend. i have a therapist but i haven’t been motivated enough to make a session with him and even if i did i already struggle opening up to him.

i’ve just been stuck in my room for the past few month’s completely unmotivated to do anything.  i’ve also been forgetting to take my meds or just missing them because i’ve been asleep.

i occasionally have suicidal thoughts but no intention to act on them. and they pass by quickly.  i cry almost daily. i want to talk to somone about this but. i just cant. showing my feelings is so hard for me.

i just want to not feel sad anymore. i want to have some sort of goal in life but i’m completely lost 

[therising]

Hi itsbyaxl

As you face one of the toughest times in your life so far, if not the toughest time, I feel for you so much as you struggle in figuring out ways to manage. I'm so glad you've come here to a place filled with deeply compassionate and amazing people who who can relate to how depressing or stressful such tough times can be. I've found it makes a difference when we can find people who can relate to what we're going through in one way or another. A warm welcome to you🙂

I think managing feelings can be seriously hard, especially when new ones begin to surface, ones that maybe we've never felt before. Personally, I'm a deeply feeling kinda gal and can struggle a lot at times with making sense of new feelings that continue to surface even at the age of 53 (which is what age I'm at now). I've come to realise that as I have new experiences while going along in life (good and not so good), new feelings can be a part of those experiences. 

I think we can be led to see feelings as being fairly basic things, such as with 'happiness, sadness, anger, stress' etc. Then, as things go along, feelings can become more complex. When this happens it's like 'What the heck is this feeling I'm experiencing? I can't make sense of it. All I know is that it feels depressing or anxiety inducing'. I've found the complex ones can involve, for example, the feeling of 'being completely lost/not knowing which way to go in life', the feeling of 'resisting the need for guidance' (aka 'I should be able to do this on my own'), the feeling of 'not knowing how to live under the circumstances', the feeling of 'having taken on way too much (an overwhelming and suffocating amount of work or responsibility), the feeling of 'next to no energy' etc etc. All have a very distinct feel to them. While I was always led to believe feelings are just things, what I came to realise is all feelings are designed to tell us something. The question is 'What it each feeling trying to tell me?'.

Sometimes feelings will change suddenly with a sudden change of perception. It's like I could ask myself the question 'What's wrong with me, why am I so broken?', which will have a very depressing feel to it. Then someone may suddenly lead me to a sense of wonder and curiosity when they ask 'Do you know why you tick the way you do?'. They may even add 'You are this incredible creature who is designed to feel, to sense something's wrong. The problem is you can't sense exactly what's wrong'. So, in this case, feeling 'broken' suddenly changes to feeling a sense of wonder and curiosity (love those feelings) and feeling what it's like to be told you have an ability that you may need to learn to get a better sense of, so that it comes to serve you as opposed to you suffering through it. I believe one of the greatest goals to aim for in life is self understanding.❤️