Husbands Heart Attack

[Guest_23103482]

Hi.  My husband had a major heart attack 3 months ago.  He is well and truly on the mend now .. looking and feeling really well, but I am struggling.

He is a joyful character and takes great enjoyment in telling his story to anyone who will listen.

I’m finding it really hard to listen to his story over and over. I’m so happy he is feeling well again but feel miserable within myself.

He occasionally makes mention of his smoking that he has given up but jokes about taking it up again and it really destroys me every time I hear it.

i don’t know what to do. I’m know he doesn’t mean to upset me but I’m still terrified of losing him. He’s only 55.

He always uses humour to get through any difficult situation but I’m struggling to find him funny at the moment.  I try to exercise when I can and eat well.  I’ve always worked and enjoy working but can’t seem to find the joy in anything at the moment.  I just want to be alone and not talk to anyone.

Is there anyone else out there feeling like this? I feel selfish for feeling miserable as it was he who had the heart attack not me.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Guest,

I am wondering if what is happening is that you are kind of re-experiencing the original fear and worry from the initial incident of the heart attack? So each time he talks about it, even if he is joking about things and happy himself, it is re-triggering the feelings of distress that you got when it originally happened?

If your nervous system is stuck in this pattern sometimes somatic approaches that release trauma patterning in the body can help. I have done a method called Somatic Experiencing that I have found very helpful. Some psychologists and a range of other practitioners do this method. It's always important to find a practitioner you gel with. But there's a range of other approaches that help to release stress responses in the nervous system too. Another I have done is Bowen therapy. This involves very gentle movements of the fascia in the body. It can help the body to release hypervigilance.

The wanting to be alone and shutting down can be what happens when hypervigilance has been active for a while in a response to an incident that is stressful or traumatic. After a while of being in the fight-or-flight state, the body can go into a stuck freeze response. The freeze response tends to be associated with depression and the fight-or-flight response with anxiety. So it might be a case of finding a way to somatically release the body from freeze. This will lead to the body passing through fight-or-flight on its way back to homeostasis.

That is just one way of looking at it, the goal being that once the body memory of feeling the stress or trauma related to the heart attack is released, you will probably find you are not so triggered by your husband talking about it. However, there are a range of other approaches that may help too, including cognitive ones. You could perhaps try a few sessions with a psychologist to help with how you are feeling and some strategies for working through it.

Of course, just being open with your husband may help too as he may not realise how him talking about it is affecting you. Maybe his way of coping is to talk about such things and it might be kind of cathartic and helping him process the experience. Perhaps just having a good chat together about how you both feel may help? He can say what is helpful for him in his process and you can say what is helpful for you, and then you can work out a way together where there is interpersonal understanding and some strategies. For example, he could maybe reserve talking about it for when you are not present, or reduce the amount he discusses it. He may be very happy to do this if he understands how you are feeling.

I'm not sure how helpful those ideas are, but I do hope you feel better soon.

Take care,

Eagle Ray