how to trust that I'll cope?

[hope4joy]

I'm feeling scared. I've noticed how depression has wiped out so much of my self confidence. I've been a bit tired the last couple of days and am worrying about whether another bout of depression will start again soon... I've just come out of six months or so of a difficult low period. I'm about to fly overseas in less than three weeks - for student exchange through my university - and I'm so fearful about whether this is the right decision or not. I've been approved to go for a year. It feels so difficult to leave everything that is familiar - home, house-mate's cat, car, uni, work and the few friends that I have in my city. And everyone I talk to is so excited for me, its hard to air my worry and fear. I have lived overseas before and travelled a lot, but I lack so much confidence in myself these days and feel so much less strong. I think going is worth the risk, well I hope so... but how can I trust that I'll cope?

How do you get your confidence back when you've finally accepted that you have life-long mental illness?

[white knight]

Hi again hope4joy

Feeling vulnerable... Yep. Loss of confidence also if you have received abuse for your illness which has occurred to me a few times. It rocks you.

Faith. Any faith that helps build those blocks needed to lift you up is worth pursuing. It may or may not include religion, spiritual peace, reading etc

Faith that when you arrive at your destination you know that the chances are high you'll take time to settle in and once done so you'll relax.

In effect as our feelings are an extreme of 'normal' we have to claw our way towards that point whenever we can. Have faith you will make some progress. Effectively you should endeavor to control your illness and not let it control you.

See its so easy. Lol. Of course it isn't. But trying gets you some confidence. As you age experience in these matters allows your faith in yourself to improve. Indeed you eventually know your limits better.

So being realistic and knowing there is likely no solid reason to feel fear is the way to go but mere anxiety is likely with 98% of others doing such a trip. So feel OK when you are anxious and give it time to settle into your new environment.

Tony WK

[blondguy]

Hey Hope4joy 🙂

Always great to read what you have to say and a great topic too!

You will have that much to distract you the anxiety will only be what they really are....just awkward feelings...and vague memories. You wont know yourself when you get back! You will be the same legend you are now except stronger again!

Your confidence is always there, you dont have to get it back, especially after the great help you have given others on Beyond Blue.

Its just a blond guy's humble opinion....you arent taking a risk....you deserve this...big time 🙂

Here for you. Paulx

[hope4joy]

Hi Tony WK,

you're spot on about feeling vulnerable. The thing I always try to run away from - well in the past. I'm starting to learn that often when I feel vulnerable it is when I have the most to gain - like reaching out to others, taking risks, following my heart and passions. But yeah its kind of excruciating too, cause there is so much risk of failure. Or maybe that's not a helpful way to look at it, maybe its just an alternate outcome, and something good might come out of it too, indirectly. I really appreciate the support I get here in the forum, I don't have many friends I can chat to about this stuff, and I can feel self conscious for being 'too intense' or having the 'wrong' reaction to things. Still working on self acceptance I guess. I kind of feel like self acceptance is the crux to all my healing, its the penultimate goal, but is also fluid and can ebb back and forth. I guess self love might be after that, but that seems a bit hefty for now, acceptance is a good goal.

And yes I think I'm feeling especially vulnerable because work is throwing me a surprise farewell do this morning - which obviously isn't entirely surprise anymore - and that is really confronting for me, to be appreciated.

And you're right Tony KW, opening up some space and acceptance for fear - for it is a big change - will help soften things. I guess I've been judging myself because others are so excited for me so I feel that I too should be excited (and at times I am) - but then again a few of those very same people said they would never do what I'm doing, because they're too afraid too. So maybe they do feel the fear just like I do.

I hope your travels are going well,

Kind wishes, Christina

[hope4joy]

Hi Paul,

Thank you for your generous heart-warming support, I really needed that.

I think you might be right too, that confidence doesn't go away, maybe it just gets buried under a layer or two of dust and can be back in action in no time. It has been something I've grappled with for quite a while - how to identify with having mental illness - yet also feel capable at the same time. I'm still looking for the middle ground on that one. I guess my family have very negative limited views of mental illness, like others who stigmatise it, even though everyone in my family has something going - they're just not diagnosed or seeking help for it. Maybe this is also about accepting me - and my contradictions - and that all of it is okay.

You have a great way of seeing things from a new perspective Paul - how lovely that you think I might deserve this trip. I did work very hard at uni to get the high score I needed to be accepted and I have spent a fair bit of time planning and organising for the move. So yes, I do hope I can enjoy it. And you're right there will be so much going on. I remember when I moved to Alice Springs a few years back I had constant anxiety for the first two weeks, and then everything settled down. Maybe I've become a bit too attuned to reading my emotions - a bit hyper vigilant - I think having my emotions in the background a bit more would do me good. Like know they're there but not make them the centre of my universe. I remember that was a big part of a CBT course I did for anxiety/depression, to stop scanning and checking one's body for anxiety/depression all the time.

Its so good to be able to write freely on here.

Kindness to the blond guy!

Christina