How to be less of a burden

davethesock · ‎13-08-2015

I really ave no idea where to start with this so I will try to be as clear as I can. I have suffered from depression all my life, however, I have managed to function and hold down a job and a relationship. However, over the last few years my ability to cope has become less and less and I ended up getting divorced (that's another long story) and changing jobs. I am in a new relationship but I feel a constant burden. It seems that nothing I do is right and we have started to argue a lot I do not think it is my fault but I ave been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and a generalised anxiety disorder so intellectually I recognise that I am probably not being reasonable but I cannot make the emotional connection - it is like things are either blank inside or wound up so tight I could explode at any moment. I just do not know what to do and what would be reasonable behaviour and it scares the hell out of me.

I am off work at the moment as I try new medication but there is a constant tension and it seems that for whatever reason either my behaviour or something else a history has built up in my relationship which means that as soon as anything happens it is instantly attributed to my depression, with comments such as - I cannot talk to you when you are like this. I just can't tell if this is me being unreasonable or whether this has become a habit or an excuse.

Does anyone have any experience of how to deal with this and maybe have some form of benchmark that can help them know when they are reasonable and unreasonable - I just can't believe it is me all the time or is this something I have to get used to as one of the things that have to be dealt with whilst suffering from depression.

white knight · ‎14-08-2015

Hi davethesock

You've struck a cord with me on this one.

My wife of 4 years is wonderful about this but my ex spouse of 10 years was terrible. Let me explain.

Everytime we would argue, often about my children (who only visited every second weekend) she'd ring my psychiatrist. In turn he'd ring me "what's your dose of medication at this time" he'd ask or "I think you better come and see me". Which I would and he'd point out that such anger and behaviour was a sign my mental issues were worsening. I didn't believe so at the time and 10 years later still don't. It was unfair. It was like I wasn't entitled to disagree with my spouse and it was also like she had a supporter and I didn't.

This was all confirmed when I got together with my current wife that understood me more and much more importantly - showed me respect for my personality and beliefs.

Acceptance is the key. Just because you have a mental condition doesn't mean you don't have all the things that make you a human being like- personality, character, individuality etc. When in a volatile situation, disagreements, etc and your illness is brought into the equation it is unfair and I'm sorry to say this but unless there is a change in that behaviour then there is little hope of harmony.

Having depression can portray (from the ill) a sense of dependency and worthlessness, reliance and incapability. This can (IMO) lead to the "well" partner feeling more powerful then he/she would normally feel. The more depressive episodes that come along the more controlling the well person becomes. In this case, as you've described it, he has introduced the guilt factor and in doing this is accusing you of your natural behaviour being abnormal...but your natural behaviour is you. So in effect he is saying that you as a person is wrong.

I'm no doctor or psychiatrist...this is just my opinion. I don't see much future without a continuation of the same over and over.

Sometimes we have to rise up against wrong doing. We need to be brave against what is wrong and stay on that track. Wrong is wrong and some people will tell you it is right over and over to convince you otherwise. Being weak mentally we at times buckle and submit. We should not unless there is clear evidence (eg from several others opinions) that we ourselves are incorrect.

Don't be stripped of YOU. You are entitled to be yourself. It is your right. Partners need to separate mental illness from your own personal opinions

Tony WK

romantic_thi3f · ‎14-08-2015

Hi Davethesock,

Welcome to BeyondBlue and thanks for posting.

First of all I'm really glad that you reached out to us and it sounds like it's been really difficult on you having to deal with divorce and deal with depression all of your life.

To answer your question, I personally don't think that there is a benchmark to know what is reasonable and what is unreasonable. The problem with depression (and anxiety and related conditions) is that our line of what's 'normal' gets so foggy with the condition that we are diagnosed with. So what I consider normal when I'm very depressed is totally different to when I'm not/less depressed. This is what makes it difficult.

But at the same time that does not mean you have to get used to this feeling. I believe that the first step is identifying what's going on. I can see that you are already starting to do that by considering maybe you are being unreasonable because of your condition.

Are you seeing a counsellor or psychologist at the moment? I really think that they can help you identify what's causing you to react and you as a couple to argue. A lot of it comes down to being aware and controlling our thoughts - so seeing if they are helpful or unhelpful.

The other thing which I think is important to mention is that you are not a burden. Just because you are arguing does not make you any less of a person and it doesn't make you a burden. I think that it's really important for you to understand, because self-worth is a big part of depression.

I hope this helps.

🙂

geoff · ‎17-08-2015

dear Dave, hi and nice to be able to talk to you.

How often is a label put on someone with depression, so when a discussion begins and ends up being an argument, then typically the person with depression is always on the defence, because the other person seems to bring it all back to us having depression and 'not being able to cope', so virtually we are the underdog here with comments like ' I cannot talk to you when you are like this'.

We are not allowed to breathe or to express any comments without being picked on, so perhaps what we have to do is to prethink our strategies as this is a part of relearning our thinking, and remember when we were in depression you can pretty well say that our mind had been wiped, so we have to start again, knowing and thinking of what not to do and only proceed in a direction we know won't hurt us. Geoff.