How do you align yourself with the rest of the world?

[JosieH72]

I feel so out of step with the rest of the world. Is that a part of the Depression or is it maybe the cause of it?

I don't understand people. Actually I do understand people.

I understand people at a logical level. I can reason out their actions. I can look at their past. I can consider what they have said. I can watch and I can understand why they do what they do.

I don't understand them at a emotional level though and Depression operates at the emotional level.... doesn't it?

For all the counselling I've done it works at the logical level. At the logical level I'm fine. I can control my thinking. I can control my reactions. I can stop myself and take a step back. I can pull myself out of the "emotion" of it

BUT how do you align yourself with the rest of the world. How do you function in a world where you do these things and you are odd. I can't be the only one. I have so many different levels of functioning. There are days when I am "on the ball" there are days when I'm vague. There are days when I can't find the words. I fumble. There are days when I'm strong and confident. There are days when I can barely open my eyes for tiredness. There are days when I can't stop crying. There are days when I can't cry at all. There are days when I am so angry.

I'm unstable and inconsistent within myself and yet I'm a single parent and the key to being a "good" parent is consistency.

I feel the pull and push of "should". Social expectations. Expectations of individuals around me of what I should and shouldn't do. I have my own ideas. I have my own thoughts and ways of doing things and in large part it works. It works within the bounds of my life. Me, My kids. But LIFE is bigger than me. I must earn a living. I must function in this world. I must interact with others. I have a driven social need. I want to be liked. I want to have friends. But I seem to just keep screwing it all up. Why do I keep screwing it all up. Why can't I find a place. Why can't I find a way to live this life. To be able to function. To earn a living. To raise my kids and just BE HAPPY.

I am HAPPY in my world. I am happy within myself. I am happy with myself. I am angry at people in this world who just ... expect ... something I'm not capable of. The school expects me to be able to teach my kids where they are failing. I have people around me that expect me to do certain things?

I just. .. I just need to walk away from them. My perceptions of the world are so out of step. There has to be people like me out there. There has to be a place in this world for me. Somewhere!

[Dennis38]

Hello Josie,

First being a single parent is a rough road to be on. Now then Depression is a very very strange beast. This beast works not only on your emotions, it wears you down physically, and it even screws with your logic. Logic says "Well today I am ok things are going the way I feel they should," then that damned beast Depression slips up behind Logic and whispers something so faint you can't hear it but yet logic suddenly packs up its bag and goes on a lunch break.

I have days where I am doing good, I feel great, doing some school work (going after a second masters) and in general the day is an ok day but then out of the blue for no reason I will get super angry or super depressed with myself, and logic slips back in to say, "well there is no reason for this" and yet here you are depressed and wondering how the hell it happened. So try not to beat yourself up to much about back sliding a lot of us do it.

Now as to doing what social world says you should, I personally tell people where they can shove their ideas about what, who, and how I am. The only person that has the right to tell me that is myself, and ok my wife if she thinks I'm being a total f*ck wit. But so long as you are raising your kids the best that you can, and you are harming no one (your self included) I say embrace the way you are, I always say my best three traits are: I am weird,warped, and twisted! It took me 37 years to get like this why f*ck with perfection? 

Part of the human problem is that we on a whole can not or will not embrace who WE are, we want to be liked (as you said) we want friends, well I have found out something since being run over by that damned car, true friends are ones that expect who you are, not try to change you, but laugh and say "yeah that weirdo is my friend and I am proud of him/her!"

So I say to you, be yourself, worry less about what the world says you should be and simply be yourself. Find something you like to do and see if you can turn it into a job, or at least find a group that you can talk with like minded people, and I am more than sure there are a lot of forums out there that are for single parents that need an adult ear!