How do I help my daughter

[scat]

My daughter is 27 years old. She is a very attractive woman who has never had a relationship with anyone. She seems oblivious to the looks she gets from men who notice her beauty. She has very few friends and shares a flat with a girl a few years older than her. Her flatmate has a boyfriend who lives elsewhere. I have been told by a former flatmate that they are very toxic and negative about life. I wish my daughter would move back home to get away from her. Despite studying acting for 3 years, my daughter works in a dead end retail job. She is so negative about her abilities despite being approach by an agent who saw her on stage once and offered to represent her. She closes up in social situations and becomes anxious, even around family. She escapes into her world of video games all the time. Her job is at EB games which does not help. She suffered a complete breakdown last year when we took her to visit her grandfather for his birthday. Even though she has been in his home on many occasions she freaked out completely and wanted to leave straight away. Her grandmother died 9 years ago from pancreatic cancer and she has not been back there since then. She told us she felt no connection to any of us and informed us that she was only staying alive as a courtesy to us and would kill herself when we die. Her grandfather died in April and she had another breakdown when we went to his funeral. Tonight she is staying at home with us and this subject was raised by her again. I am trying to deal with the death of my father and now I have the worry of my daughter who wants to kill herself. She is so negative about the whole world and sees no future. I know she hates her job but because she has $100000 HECS debt from her previous studies she will not pursue any other education to improve her job prospects. I want to live to be 150 just so I can ruin her suicide plans. I talked to my doctor about getting help for her and he gave me tips on how to approach the subject but she completely shut down and threatened to never see us again if we kept talking about it. Her flatmate just uses the excuse that that is the way she is and we should learn to accept it. Well I refuse to do that and I am desperate for help

[jtjt_4862]

Hi scat,

I'm really sorry for your loss, and hearing what you're going through at the moment to desperately save your daughter as well. I cannot imagine having to deal with grieve, while trying your best to prevent another one from happening. It's too much pain and stress for one person to handle all at the same time...

May I suggest giving the Beyond Blue Support Service a call? They can be reached via phone call 1300 22 4636 and they are available 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. If you talk it through with them, they'll be able to provide you with the support.

Jt

[Croix]

Dear Scat~

I'm sorry for you loss, a parent passing away can be a huge milestone in life, and one that can leave you with all the effects of grief to try to deal with. May I ask how you are going (excluding daughter)? Do you have someone in you life to support you, listen patiently to you repeating yourself again and again, not try and fix things but just be there and care? Facing things without this makes matters so much harder.

If you want to talk to someone outside your circle about your own ability to deal with loss can I suggest

https://griefline.org.au/

With you daughter I will mention one place, the Suicide Call Back Service, who may be able to make some suggestions, they are there for those trying to support someone as much as for those with suicidal matters of their own

Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467)

You said "I want to live to be 150 just so I can ruin her suicide plans", I suspect you have a sense of humor, an excellent thing.

Your daughter appears to be someone who is depressed (no, I"m not a doctor, just using normal English), unhappy and sees little point in life. Someone who retreats from others into a fantasy world, and has great difficulties with loved family passing away .

If she resists talking about her suicidal thoughts I guess there are three things I'd bear in mind.

The first is obvious but hard, and that is if you believe she is in danger then ring 000. It is better to have someone alive that may resent being the subject of emergency services than the alternative.

The next one is just as hard, and that is for her to see a doctor and get professional help. I'm not sure how you can do this, certainly a straight suggestion would not be likely to work. It is important though. I was suicidal and it was only due to competent medical support -plus that of my partner - that I improved, and am now very glad to be alive.

The other thing is if talk of suicide gains an adverse reaction don't try - at least for now. It may be better to offer an alternative approach, doing things she likes, trying to be a friend at her level, not a parent. Maybe going out together to the movies, cafés or if you are in the right location the theater, go to avant-garde and ask her to explain what you saw. Get across the idea you respect her and her experience.

I guess I'm saying get her not to see you as a threat but a companion. Maybe she might teach you a computer game.

There are all just my thoughts - what do you think?

Croix

[S_D]

Hi Scat,

Really admire you reaching out on here and how much you obviously love and care about your daughter. I'm also very sorry for your loss. I know it would be so hard to hear what your daughter has been saying about ending her life however it sounds like she does not really intend to follow through with this, it sounds like she might be simply trying to express how she is feeling and the intensity of her emotions. Hopefully with time all of those things will improve however in the mean time I would suggest that the best way to help her would be to let her know you are there for her no matter what and when she wants to talk to someone you will be able to listen and support her without any judgement. I truely believe having a non-judgmental person to vent to, who can listen with unconditional positive regard for that person is the best thing for someone in your daughter's shoes. It might be tricky at first because it sounds like you do feel that some of the influences in your daughter's life aren't best for her right now however I think you will find the more you can simply be there for her, listen with empathy and kindness etc, the more she will be honest and open with you and feel comfortable talking to you about what's really going on for her. I also hope you have your own form of coaching/ therapy/ support to turn to when things get tough as it's not always easy supporting a family member and it would be amazing for you to have your own confidential space to voice your concerns without fear of any judgement, in addition to these forums! 🙂

[scat]

We have set her room up at home again and she is spending some time in it. We did go see a movie together last weekend and she stayed home a few nights. This is a vast improvement on 12 months ago when we did not see or hear from her for months on end. Apparently a lot of people her age feel the same way about life. They believe the fear mongering in the media and are not planning a future. I remember being 26 and so excited to be buying a block of land and getting married. Em tells me she wishes she had never been born and it breaks my heart

[scat]

I hope you are right. I thought about calling her "bluff" and telling her to do it now so that I don't have to live everyday of the rest of my life in fear knowing this. But if she did I would never forgive myself. She will actually be very well off when we die. At the moment we are asset rich but cash poor. We own our home and a small farm so she may decide life is worth living. Earlier this year my biological father died and left me $5 because I haven't spoken to him for 40 years. He was a wife beater and child abuser. My REAL father died in April. He and mum married in 1986. he was an amazing grandfather to the girls and a good father to me. I lost mum 9 years ago. So that leaves me holding the remains of the family together and I have no intention of burying my daughter. I am going to and organise a "check up" at the doctors for her and see if he can crack her armour a bit and get her to open up and seek help