How do I explain depression to my children who resent my symptoms?

[Mares73]

Hi

im struggling with my two children (daughter 16, son 11) who constantly put me down, criticism me & call me names such as a "druggie" who is "off my face". They are referring to my antidepressant medication which makes me very tired by about 8pm.

its been a roller coaster the last 12 months with my husband having a bone marrow transplant as the only hope to treat his leukaemia.

Then I'm involved with the Royal Commission & a civil case against a priest who abused me as a teenager.

i love my children more than anything but I'm so hurt they are drifting away from me. My daughter who I've always been close to now doesn't ever want to be at home & is angry at me.

my son just wants his dad all the time & refuses to do anything with me. He is the most sensitive beautiful child & everyone comments on how lovely he is yet behind closed doors he only communicates with me aggressively if he wants something.

its breaking my heart. I've asked my husband to have a talk with them & explain depression & anxiety. But he won't-he says we all need to talk as a family which yes it would be ideal in different circumstances. But I don't think they'll say how they really feel if I'm in the conversation. They need to have space to talk openly without feeling restrained by my presence.

i understand they resent the times I havnt been able to disguise my symptoms, the times I've cried, the nights I've fallen asleep early due to exhaustion. I'm terrified they will grow into adults & only remember the symptoms they have seen me battle.

I grew up in a very abusive family & from the time my children were born I was devoted to raising them to be confident & able to express themselves. I wanted to give them all I could & I even started sending them for things like massage from when they were very young. I even gave up working because they wanted me there for them after school like other mums. I've instilled in them that no matter what situation they may face in life I will always love & protect them & never judge them. An example is recently my daughter drank alcohol for the first time & was very sick. I just went & got her, held her, made her food & gave her lots of water & told her I'd always be there for her. I also talked about the effects of alcohol & the dangers of losing control. I never shame or embarras her. I treat her with unconditional love.

But I'm losing them as they resent my depression symptoms.it breaks my heart.

Depression is so cruel.

mares 

[Paul]

Hey mares - Big Hugs. 

I can imagine that it's so tough with your kids not quite understanding what's happening and them being a bit horrible, add to this the commission, and your husband being unwell - you're already a super hero to me. That's so much to deal with.

I get the feeling your husband isn't sure what to say to the kids about depression, It can be hard even for us who know depression so well to express to someone what it's like.

If I were to explain to my nephews about being depressed (as I have no kids) I think I would approach it like this; Imagine it's dark and you feel alone even though there are people around you. Imagine you want to have energy but it doesn't come. Imagine that you aim to be happy all the time but it doesn't come. Imagine crying on the inside all the time but being brave on the outside. I'd explain that's how I feel when I am sick. I'd try to add that comments that hurt from people who you love make it feel like you've done the most horrible thing. 

Maybe the kids would be receptive to that type of immersive narrative to hopefully allow you to then explain that's how you feel and hopefully their empathy will open up the discussion.

Another approach might be to ask them whether they know that you have an illness, explain depression and what it feels like, why you take medication and that feeling a bit sleepy is much more preferable than feeling so miserable that you can't get out of bed. There are some resources in the "Supporting someone" menu at the top of the page. There are also resources that you can print out and let the kids read if they like. I guess if you treat them like adults you'll get an adult response.

What are your thoughts?

Take care.

Paul

[pipsy]

Dear Mares.  Oh dear, you are on an emotional roller coaster.  There is no easy answer to your dilemma.  Your kids daughter 16, son 11, unfortunately at this age kids tend to be that wrapped up in their own world of teenage angst, peer pressure from school friends, needing reassurance from you that they're normal.  They can't cope with the fact that you're not behaving like their friends mums and dads.  Your daughter is not angry with you so much as angry at a situation she has no control over.  Mothers and fathers aren't supposed to get sick or tired, they are supposed to function 24/7, when they can't, it's beyond the child's comprehension.  It's easier for your daughter to 'run away' than it is to try and figure out what to do.   At 16, she wants the freedom her friends have, she doesn't want the responsibility of caring for sick parents.  If anything serious was to happen to you and she wasn't there, she would never forgive herself, but at the same time, she doesn't want the responsibility of having to make decisions that might be wrong.  She's terrified of losing you and dad, so's your son, but they don't know how to express it without sounding 'sissy'.  They're more angry with themselves than they are with you, but frightened of sounding stupid by saying how they really feel.  Kids are supposed to be 'hip' and 'cool', or something, they're too young really to grasp what's wrong.  The name calling is a form of release for them, typical in that age.  Their friends name-call anyone who doesn't 'conform'.  I wouldn't take too much notice of that, hard I know, in this day and age, people who are 'different' to the 'norm' are called names to suit whatever the thought might be.  My ex is great at name calling and he's 63.  What chance do kids have with that sort of role model.  Try and be a bit patient with the kids, try including them in family fun.  Once they see you aren't going anywhere, they will probably settle down and start staying home more.  I think they're scared they're going to lose you.