Hello all
I will preface this by saying that I am safe, and have no plans to harm myself.
I have had a tumultuous last 3 months or so. Work has been terrible, and relationships inside of the environment have devolved to a point where my so called team mates have attempted to set me up to be at the head of non compliant safety incidents (I am an engineer). Thankfully I have my immediate managers support, but honestly every time I engage with work I am either sitting blankly and unengaged or reverting to an anxious fight/flight state. I work from home, which at least allows for breakdowns and tears when everything becomes too much, but these can be set off by the smallest things now. The work environment no longer feels safe, and I am having great difficulty pulling myself out of the "humanity is disgusting, greed inspired, selfish" misanthropic attitude and even intellectually engaging with the idea that "not everyone is bad", despite all the proof otherwise. I find myself frequently having thoughts that I am so disillusioned with the human species as a whole that I no longer want to be a part of it. While these thoughts do not take the form of suicide, there is definitely a death ideation, or desire to no longer be.
I have many mental health routines that have been in place for a very long time. I have suffered from depression on and off for over 30 years now, and for the last 10 years or so have managed through mindfulness, a consistent meditation routine, and exercise. I am glad to say that I am managing to continue with my meditation and exercise at the moment, even though it does not appear to be assisting in any way.
I have always had trouble feeling joy/happiness, and stopped aiming for that a long time ago and reoriented to "contentment", as I can at least be content even in the midst of sadness and despair. Lately I have experienced difficulty even imagining that I could be content ☹️
I lost my best friend and fur baby companion (dog - Jacko) at the start of November, and then his brother Banjo (cat) less than a week later.
Between work stress and grief I feel like I have been almost on autopilot for the last 3 months, unable to feel anything other than despair/unhappiness.
I have battled since a teenager for good mental health, through addiction, suicidal thoughts, and thought I had made great progress. I have thought of self blame for letting work stress get me to this point.
I have booked in an appointment with a therapist and my GP in the next week.
