Holding on to what I'm losing

[Mares73]

I pray to wake up without tears of dread.  

I pray that my children will see me smile again 

i pray that the empty, lost person I am

will one day learn to live again.

I don't think I'm asking for the world. I'm asking for myself to be found under the crushing pain. I'm asking for help to lift that load so I know how to live in freedom again. The hopelessness, despair & self hate are my only companions, beating me down to the point I myself can't be found. Please please help me, I fall lower each day and the fight gets greater each day. I have no one. My husband can't handle it & finds solace in work, I've isolated myself from everyone I know. I used to be the life of the party. Now I don't recognise who I am.  It's so true what one member wrote-that she didn't want to die but more importantly she didn't want to live. Yes that's me. I have to live for others but I can't find a reason for myself right now.

[Guest_3712]

Dear Mares,

always here, no advice. just here. I get it. I understand.

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[Chris D]

Hi Mares,

Sorry to read that you are going through such pain and despair. I totally understand. Mares, you may not see this or think of this about yourself but you are such an amazing person you have the STRENGTH in you and i also have HOPE, BELIEF, FAITH i n you. You will make it just try and take it one hour at a time, break each day down into smaller segments.

You are with Jo and myself walking up the hill towards the LIGHT OF LIFE.

Iam with you all the way Mares.

Take Care

Chris

[Mares73]

Geoff-if you read this are you able to share what got you well enough to the stage your at now? If you don't want to disclose that-as it is personal-I understand.

Stressless your msgs to me always mean so much so please don't stop responding out of fear you'll upset me-quite the opposite. Knowing you understand & we share so much...please write to me?

And Chris-it was so lovely to get a msg from you. I felt honoured that you thought of me whilst undergoing treatment for yourself.

Each of you has lifted my morning. Thankyou with all my heart, Mares 

[strangebrew]

Hi Mares,   I don’t have any advice, but want you to know you are not alone.   I too just want freedom from the pain, have happiness, learn to find myself and my place in the world again. I don’t want my daughter to see me suicidal or in severe panic attacks anymore. I don’t want to push my wife or family away, but I am also aware I have been isolating myself. But the times I have tried to put myself back out there have been hurtful and difficult so I have been retreating again.   But please stay with us, and keep going and keep fighting. We all have to. I pray you will find your peace and happiness within yourself, I have already seen you have lots of love and support here.   SB

[Jo3]

Hi Mares

I'm sorry I just saw your post.  

Pls hang in there, you will be okay.  I am here for you, you are not alone and never will be because we all care about you.

Pls keep fighting, you have to for your family, your children.

Remember what Chris wrote - he is by our side walking up that hill.

Take care Mares

Your friend Jo xxx

[cancerianmoon]

Dear Mares,

I feel your pain as I'm in a similar place..I can't cope with what life throws at me, increasing isolation; don't want to go on living like this but have my son and I could never leave him!  

Hopefully we can all be here for each other. I know (becoming apparent) this is the only way I can ask for help,  Actually asking is difficult and hasn't got me anywhere.

I saw Chris's quote from a NZ ambassador for a similar cause: "if you ask someone for help and don't get it, keep asking until u find someone who will..."  I'm holding onto that thought.

Warm wishes,

Cancerianmoon

[Neil_1]

Hi my special friend, Maresy

I'm so sorry to hear that this low and dark place you're in continues to be just that and perhaps even more.

It just is not fair and it annoys the absolute crap out of me that I usually can offer you advice of sorts, but I'm stuck for words Mares. 

It's Thursday ... when do you have your next appointment with GP or psych?

Mares, how are your gorgeous children doing??

Kind regards

Neil

[Rosa-eve]

 Mares,    I know you don't know me,  but I think we almost met. I live near Canberra and was going to turn up at the bus thing in Civic.  Didn't do it though. Wish I had. Wish you had.   I'd be saying now ,  hey, you're not alone, find a way to pop back down and have coffee.  I understand.  The words you wrote here are just how I feel.   And I have to be here for my son.  And I hate myself that I say I have to be here for him. Not that I am happy to be here for him.   People say they would die for their children.  We live for them and that's actually harder.   

You are still there. You can be found.  Ive seen what you have written here for other people. And you are a beautifull person.  There is nothing to hate about yourself.   That's how I feel about myself.  Should I?  You don't know me,  but I bet you'd tell me that I am worth something and not to hate myself.   So I'm telling you not to hate yourself, you are worth alot.  But if I say it to you, then  I have to say it to myself too. Because we are comming from the same place.     I don't know how to be happy. My happy moments have been to few,   but we don't deserve to feel like this.   You don't deserve to feel like this.    There has to be a way to make it better.  You're not alone.     People here care.     Take care from Rosa 

[geoff]

dear Mares, I promise I will today Mares, trust me I will.

I have someone who comes around every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for a coffee at 6.15 am and then take him shopping as he is legally blind, which is a lose classification, but I will get back to you very soon, I promise. L Geoff. x