Here I go again

[Hopefullseeking]

I am so tired of the roller coaster that is depression and I am sure I am not alone in this.

I have been working off and on with a psychiatrist for 20+ and at the begining of the year I agreed to work with a psychologist as well. My shrink and i felt I was stuck and no matter what we did nothing would shift it.

So I have been seeing this psychologist every fortnight and touching base with my shrink every other fortinght. We all felt I was making progress with the different apporach that the psychologist has taken.  I spent 10 days last month interstate staying with a cousin and had a terrific time came back about a week ago and have sunk to new lows.

Why what went wrong.

My shrink said people often are down after a holiday but I am more than down, back to old thought patterns, feel teary and lost.  Dissappointed that I have gone back down agian.  Yes I have a lot on my plate but that doesn't explain it.  I had a lot on my plate before when I was feeling better.

Does it ever end.  The psychologist says the depression will be with me for life and I just have to learn to manage it. That doesn't make me feel very hopefull for a better frame of mind either.

[A_Tech]

Hi A,

Honestly I'm not surprised to see this post. I was concerned at the tone of your last post in our other place, not that you said anything exactly, but that's the point I guess.

I have also suffered depression on and off since I was a teenager, but you sound like your in a pretty bad place at the moment. I wish I could do something for you, I want to just give a huge hug and let you cry!

I saw my psychologist yesterday and she put it perfectly. 'A mother absorbs all the pain that others refuse to show when it comes to her child'. So when we hold it all together for everyone else for so long just to get through, when the worst part, or danger moment is over, we completely collapse! A total heap.

I had been telling her about how when I heard the final news, it was just like a TV movie, I let out one of those blood curdling screams and collapsed into my husband. I never thought I was capable of that, and yet I did it. I still hear it every day in my head and it was a month ago.

I force myself to be and act happy on the outside, as a front, but a huge part of it is fake!! I know we have each other here, online, but it still just feels so alone sometimes doesn't it? I wish we (the few of us from other place) could actually meet up one day, because besides us there is just nothing out there as far as support.

I'm in Perth, so I feel even more isolated from anything and everyone! Are we allowed to exchange personal emails?? I would like to keep talking to you, but don't know how much to say here.

Please take care, I'm glad your seeing both doctors and then there is always us too 🙂

Donna xx

[Chris_B]

A Tech said:

Are we allowed to exchange personal emails??

Hi Donna, sorry but we don't allow for personal details to be exchanged. This is an anonymous forum, and the rule is there to protect the privacy and safety of all our members. 

Our support service should be able to provide you with some contacts for offline, face-to-face support in your area.

[A_Tech]

Thanks Chris, that's why I made sure I asked so you guys could see it and let me know.

Cheers

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Donna,

It is a shame that we can't share email address but I understand the reasons why to.  If it wasn't for the anonymity many wouldn't be here.

We are many miles away from each other, I live in Brisbane.

I have had depression all my life but at times it is far worse than others.  This bout that has been set off by my sons troubles has been the worst and many times I thought I wouldn't make it.  I am a lot better than I was but I guess having that break and coming home to an empty house and no word from my son set me cascading down again.

I have also been in terrible pain, I have osteoarthritis throughout my body and with all the walking and stuff I did on holidays my arthritis took a battering.

I force myself to put on Fake Face as I call it all the time, I find it easier when people are around and then when I get home I often fall in a bit of a heap.  The psychologist I have been seeing has come up with some wonderful strategies that have really helped, my brother has paid for her visits as I couldn't afford it but I don't think he will continue after the end of this year and I don't want to ask him agian. I think my shrink would like me to continue but can't afford it.

Yes that alone feeling is terrible, none knows what we and others on the other forum go through and you can't describe it to some either.

Thank you Donna for your support, it does ease the burden abit.

A

[July]

Hi A, 

I'm sorry to read of your depression not giving you a break, we all here, have that same 'monkey on our backs' and  as we know some days are  good..... other days we want to run away and hide.

My counsellor told me to try and avoid "stressful situations" pretty hard in my life ...as you know, and I find I cant confront the people who are causing me stress at work so I just retreat, so its hard to avoid that situation, if I could quit I would, but I need another job first ...not that easy.

I know what you mean when you say to put on that "fake face", and I wish some days, I could just feel genuine happiness  without that feeling in my heart reminding me that all is not well, but I just put one foot in front of the other and just get through one day at a time, I think not looking to far forward helps, like not thinking "what if this happens" or "that happens".

Try to think of all the other beautiful things in life to enjoy.... a sunset, children playing, we are blessed to live in this country , there are a  lot a positives we just need to put our energy in to that , you are a very strong person to get through what you have been through...have no doubt about that.

You are not alone in this, I believe in you, do what you need to do to keep moving forward and you are in our thoughts always, take care.

July

[July]

Hi Donna,

My heart just skipped a beat....I'm in perth to , I guess this world is a small place, I have lived here all my life, I thought I was all alone here to in regards to our situation... wow!

Not sure where to go from here hey, we are for sure in the same boat , hope you are well ,talk soon.

July

[July]

Hi A,

That post below yours that I wrote to A tech was meant for you sorry, my eyesight is getting a bit dodgy lol.

Take care 

July

[A_Tech]

Hi July,

Well it's likely we both worked at the same hospital then? As an anaesthetic tech we were regularly in the ED with the anaesthetist to assess patients, help with emergency intubations, and transport up to theatre. I bet we even spoke to each other! From some of my other posts it's probably obvious I was at RPH, my sister in law is at Charlies, also a tech, and I briefly started at Freo just before I finally had to quit. 

Wow, when you first said what you did for a job I had this feeling that you might be here. Strange hey?

Have you returned to work yet? FINALLY after 9months my salary insurance has come through, that was part of my super, but only gives me 2yrs. They've back paid the 9mnths, so I've got just over a year to figure out what I want to do. I would love to go back, it was such a passion for me, but right now I'm so scared because thats what caused the PTSD. If I do go back, it'll be Freo. They were amazing to me in such a short time. I was fortunate that the manager there had dealt with a staff member previously with PTSD and se helped them successfully return. She also told me she'd have me back any time I want. That made a huge difference.

Anyway, talk soon. Still shocked!!! xx

[A_Tech]

Hi A,

I agree with the email situation too. I do understand, it's just a shame in our case. There really are only the few of us that understand this situation. You and July have meant so much to me over  this last year, just getting through.  

I know what you mean about the reality hitting you again after a break. We had a weekend away just before sentencing to try to unwind and relax. And it did help without a doubt. But as soon as we got home, the next day was court, the media were all over us and sent me into a full blown panic attack in the middle of the city.

I actually made a complaint and was quite surprised to receive a letter acknowledging the event and apologising for the situation it caused me!

We will always be here for you, because the situation for all of us will never go away. We will always need support, I hope that we all continue to do that, even when things get better.

I know it's not much, but I agree that it does help a bit 🙂

xxxx