Help. Pls

[Courteney92]

I'm completely at a loss, I'm suffer with anxiety and depression I also have BPD.

Ive been struggling with a drug addiction for 5 years. In that time I have lost the love of my life been subject to serious emotional and physical abuse from a ex who is in a drug psychosis. I can't hold down jobs, relationships & holding on to my remaining friendships by there last thread. I'm emotionally disconnected and numb, my once bubbly nature has become withdrawn and I find it hard to communicate & be in public settings.

And I just don't see it getting better.

i spend every day in bed, I think I'm okay until I break down. Most days I think I just live in complete denial.

I have lost my License, my house, really have no sense of self or identity and never have. I know drugs are a problem but if I didn't have them to numb me at times I don't know if I would still be here. and a lot of these issues sound like easy fix problems but they aren't I've tried. I feel as if im broken, I've studied all different things worked all different jobs I get so depressed I either get fired or leave.

im so ineed of a reason to get out of bed and a income I got in to prostitution. some days I think I do it because I like it other days I'm sure I hate it and I think I only got it to it to punish my self.

i have no idea about anything in my life I feel as if none of it's real and I'm on the verge of a psychotic breakdown. I don't know how my life from a normal happy child could turn in to this nightmare that won't end it's seems so unreal im honestly not sure if my life happening or this is in my head. I'm my own worst enemy, I'm on medication, seeing a psychiatrist and getting drug and alcohol counciling. nothing is helping and at the end of each appointment I smile and make out as if I'm okay. I'm incapable of letting my self realise how desperate, hopeless & completely misserable I am.

and each time I actually realise how I feel, I get pushed closer & closer to the edge of breaking beyond repair. Surly at some point I will give up because it's allready at a unbearable point. but in amongst that I'm so confused and lost, I don't know what's wrong with me if anything or if maybe these are just excuses & I'm just lazy and self pitying and self loathing. I want to disappear but how do I hide from myself.

pls anything I have never opened up like this before but I have no where else to turn 😔

[Starwolf]

Hi Courteney, a warm welcome to the forums.

Kudos for taking the plunge and bravely sharing your thoughts with us. It seems you have great insight into your situation and view it with honesty. But you are feeling overwhelmed. An understandable feeling when the damage done infiltrates so may areas of our life. Someone wise once told me that the best way to fix a big, complex problem was to break it into small pieces, focus first on the main source of trouble, then tackle the rest one small piece at a time.

I too once used drugs to numb the pain. So I am well aware of the trap. The only way to keep suffering at bay is to keep doing it. Like putting a band aid over skin eruptions, it hides but doesn't heal the disease. It doesn't take long to figure that drug addiction (like all addictions) is an attempt at escape that ends up taking a hell of a lot more than it gives. It defies its initial purpose, robs us of freedom of choice and self-worth. Those are our birthrights. Eventually, I could no longer be satisfied with exchanging those for an illusion.

It is the job of a psy to help you figure and work on what led you from a happy childhood to where you are now. Knowing how mental/emotional tangles came to be helps unravel the knots. I am a firm believer that whatever unconsciously created our reality can be consciously reconfigured. Hard work but well worth the effort in the long run. I wouldn't be here today connecting with you if that wasn't true. Do you feel you have a good enough connection with your therapist ? It can take several attempts before we find someone we can work with efficiently.

Our lives can easily run out of control but with the right help, support and commitment control can gradually be regained and with it, some peace of mind and quality of life.

Do you have any idea why your attempts to free yourself have failed so far ? I'd suggest you grab pen and paper and write down your thoughts, feelings and concerns. Just let it rip over several pages, no censure. You'll be surprised how much it can help clarify our thoughts to ourselves. It may cause a few ah-ha moments.

Good to have you on board.

[byproductofsystems]

I've actually met someone in a similar situation to you before, story touches home a bit.

First and fore-most, you need to focus on yourself first. As difficult as it may be, as others will state. You've probably come to the right place both to vent and hear from others experiences and thoughts on the subject.

Currently, my girlfriend and I still receive abuse and stalking from an ex of hers. It's something that has built on my own anxiety, not because i cannot do anything about it. But how far my girlfriend is willing to go to end it and the risks it may have on the family prevent it. I think it's more of a personal issue and i don't agree. But the decision is not entirely mine to make if i wish to be respectful about it.

My thoughts are- If an ex is in psychosis you need to protect yourself first and foremost. Their current state of mind is not your issue, nor is it your responsibility to manage especially theirs prior to managing your own health first. As hard as it may be, you need to be in a healthy state of mind and situation to truly help others. Least you run the risk of just masking your own issues by staying busy for the time being, it is ultimately setting you up for another failure and making the conditions worse.

It sounds like you need to contact a local police station to your area, states/territorial laws vary, seek police advice about how to pursue an AVO. In the event of a psychosis it may at least force some rehabilitation time in a clinic for drugs and mental health. I think in my opinion that is your best course of action there.

Persons Obsv- I feel modern life when leaving the nest egg of the family home has a way of teaching you how little we truly know, and how little those close to us know and through internet and social media, we are becoming too easily aware of how much people really don't know. So how do we help ourselves. It is a vexing question, but one that i think you're ready to travel down to find your own answers. Sources like BB are a great outlet, both for anon posting and i think maybe if you wish with moderation meet others in a similar position.

Prostitution- its a tough one, my own mother did it. I can't say i agree, but aso i can see the attraction at times to do the work especially when it supports other vices. Ultimately i think its a destructive environment. I think seeking help, friendships, proactive activities will steer you away the work and drugs. Google "Cabin Fever" sounds like you may get it also.

[geoff]

hello Courteney, thank you for your post which is quite extensive and rather damaging for not only your safety but very much your well been.
You have so much to cope with as one problem has led onto another and then another which is going to make it very confusing on where to start, but there has to be a purpose in life, and it's not about quitting the drugs, making sure you get your ex out of your life, stopping prostitution, making out to your psychiatrist that all is OK, when in fact it's not all of these, all of these can't be fixed at once, you rectify one problem then the chain reaction begins, meaning that another problem will be easier to stop and then another will follow.
There may have been a suggestion to go rehab, that's fine while you're in there, but as soon as you come out it can all start again, that is not what we want, because it's only a temporary solution, not unless your hard enough to avoid it, at the moment you're still vulnerable.
You now have to own up to your psychiatrist, because lying is just adding onto all these other problems, this is where some strength will develop and that's what you are now missing, but it's something you are trying to find, you need direction and influence from someone you have trust in, that's your first port of call.
I would like you to start to reading and I say this because I want you to learn about depression, drug usage and what they all involve, but know it's not going to be easy to begin with, but as soon as you read something that really makes sense then it will become a bit easier.
We hope that you will come back to us and talk so more. Geoff.

[Michelle_C]

Hi Courteney92's,

Anxiety Depression and addiction are issues that are hard to deal with, i to suffer anxiety and depression and would say it is quite severe, medication has helped me along the way the most important help factor for me has been accepting this illness within myself and being honest about my feelings, there is no benefit in disguising or hiding the way you feel i have found talking to the right people and asking for support helps and understanding that you will get better. i am not saying it is easy because it is not. some people assume depression is having a bad day unfortunately it is not that simple. feeling hopeless helpless anxious withdrawn trouble eating and sleeping being paranoid of other peoples perceptions of you .... the list goes on. thinking tomorrow will be a better day and you wake up and it is not. this is the reality of anxiety and depression. i also went through a period of using alcohol thinking it would lift me when i was down and admittedly it did whilst i was drinking but the after math of the next day was horrific. On the bright side slow steps and finding a good friend family member or professional that you trust and can confide the whole truth in, without feeling judged makes a huge difference. I used to be so embarrased discussing depression but i have now come to the realisation that it is an illness like any other. It needs treatment maintenance and time,

Don't give up you are not alone you will get well but you need to be honest about how you are feeling try doing activities you used to enjoy when you were feeling well, if you cant don't feel bad or torture yourself it takes time, you have made a good step just like i did visiting this site and reading other peoples posts it has really helped me. Feeling isolated is probably one of the worst symptoms and i use the word symptom wisely as that is what it is- an illness that needs treatment like any other. i wish you all the very best and there are people to help us.