Help Please 🙏🏻

[Gracie_PY4]

To anyone who is reading I really need your help. 
I’m Grace and I suffer from depression and anxiety. I have the thoughts of I have no purpose, what’s the point, constant boredom, but also because of the fact the I work casual retail at a pet store that I just started at. I used to work full time at Just Jeans and it was awful. I think that’s why my depression got so bad, my managers were up and down with moods, it was the same day over and over and constant pressure. I don’t want that same experience.

I’m now stuck feeling completely little motivation for anything I do, going to bed is one of the best things to do because I’m away from life. My favourite thing to do is actually watching movies because I can distract myself from my constant feeling of this depression. 
 

My parents are really supportive and I do love them, but they’re getting more and more irritating. I’ve found that the last 2 weeks or 3 weeks have been hard around them because they’re trying to tell me what to do or they’ll say something so small to advise or guide me and then I shut off completely in a salty way. I don’t know why, it’s just like I don’t want to talk about it, and then I don’t want to talk to them. I really don’t know what to do. And I think there’s something wrong with me. 

Today I really struggled because they told me that it’s like walking on eggshells with me, and I don’t want that. I feel like I’m being a brat and being really difficult with them but when they talk to me I just don’t want to talk about that particular subject because it freaks me out so much and then I shut off. 

I feel like there’s really something wrong with me and now I don’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t want to talk to my parents anymore because I feel this way and it always ends badly. And I don’t want them to think that I’m an a attention seeker that goes “I have depression fake it easy on me” or “I have mental struggles at the moment please don’t talk to me at the moment about that stuff”. Like I don’t want them to think I’m using it as an excuse, but like it’s hard because it’s to talk about those fears and I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t really want to be around my parents. And I really am struggling (which they do know) and I’m stuck and don’t know what to do half the time and I’m just trying to do the best but like I don’t earn a lot of money, and so I have a lot of financial stress and worries. 
 

I find it hard to go out and seek for a job, force myself to socialise or do things because I don’t have the motivation. 
 

Honestly I just don’t know what to do?

[therising]

Hi Grace

Being such a complex mix of mental factors (thoughts, belief systems, inner dialogue etc), physical factors (chemistry, brain processes, energy systems etc) and natural factors relating to our nature, 'How the heck do I do life, from all these angles?' becomes the question on occasion. It's seriously hard when we're not born with an instruction manual, with troubleshooting pages at the back of the book.

I can relate to some degree to your parents and some of the challenges they face. Being a mum to a 19yo guy and 22yo gal, occasionally I question 'How the heck am I meant to be raising them through certain challenges - raising their consciousness, their energy levels, their spirits, their level of motivation and more?'. In some ways it's easy because a lot of the research has been done for me. What I mean is my son's been diagnosed with high functioning autism and my daughter's been diagnosed with ADHD, so there's plenty of info out there when it comes to the reasons for some of the struggles they face. Btw, both my kids were relieved to know (partly through a diagnosis) that they're not 'broken' in some way; there are actually good reasons for some of their struggles.

Perhaps you might be able to relate to my daughter, so I'll offer some of her struggles. She's sensitive (with the ability to sense easily). This makes her a rather intuitive person, someone who can easily tap into other people's emotions, someone who can read a person's nature and more. There is both a bright side and a dark side to sensitivity. Being easily triggered to feel or sense can be the challenging side. Sensing something depressing and/or stressful, even if you don't exactly know what it is, can also be challenging. A couple of other challenges she faces involve a lack of motivation and self discipline. While something said to me 'Look up 'What parts of the brain does army training exercise'', I did just that (earlier today). It's interesting, as it points to parts of the brain that can be under exercised or under stimulated in an ADHD brain. To begin with, it reads 'Army training exercises engage and strengthen various brain areas, particularly the prefrontal cortex, visual processing areas, and regions associated with motor processing and executive functions. These areas are crucial for decision-making, planning, problem-solving, attention, working memory, and social behaviour...'. Can the brain, that computer/processor up there in our head, be reprogrammed through certain training? Some would say 'Yes, depending on a number of factors'. While your parents may be trying to ground you (bringing you above ground, out of a depression), how people successfully lead us to become more grounded, ordered, motivated and confident will depend on our nature to some degree. Like my daughter, you may not be thrilled about a highly regimented lifestyle but you could feel the benefits or highs that come from a solid sense of structure that serves both your brain and your nature. The kind of structure that helps with dopamine production would definitely be a bonus. What that structure looks like is something well worth imagining. 

Btw, I also struggle with a number of factors you and my daughter struggle with, so I know creating change is something that can be far from easily achieved. There are times where you can feel yourself going around in circles or cycles. Cycling up or raising ourself becomes the ultimate challenge in life, that's for sure. 🙂