Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi Whits

Hope you are well and thank you for your reply it does mean a great deal!

It is reassuring to know people understand the feeling and that I can talk about it.

Like I said in another post I was told recently that the right person will understand people like us for what we are and I think you’re approach to this issue is really productive in that you revert back to things that you enjoy not what image you want to portray as I am guilty of this.

I have been influenced in the past by social media and opinions of friends that make it seem like I am missing some key ingredient or there is some major part of myself that turn people away.

I feel I may need to just keep throwing my hat in the ring but maybe ease off some of the intensity in my search for the right person in particular as it has exhausted me to a point where it makes me question every part of myself.

You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders and although I don’t know you personally I think you will find that person you are after! Anxiety and depression does not control you when you have your attitude! Keep it up!!

[therising]

Hi Daniel

It's so obvious how naturally wonderful you are, in many ways. You mention 'Sometimes I feel I am too sensitive and too aware of feelings of anxiousness and the like and that I exacerbate them as my mind keeps pondering them instead of just recognising it and moving on'.

It can definitely be interesting, observing our self at times, wondering about so much, 'Why do I do this or that? Why do I analyse so much? Why am I not fully present in the moment? Why do I get stuck on particular thoughts?' and so on. Before we know it, we're wondering more than anything. Personally, I'm a shocker when it comes to wondering. If you sat me down in front of a laptop and then triggered me, I could go on to stay in a state of wonder for the entire day, quite easily. Could start with you asking me 'Do you ever wonder exactly why you have this/that particular behaviour?' Bamm, off I go, meditating on the question. Then I might wonder whether other people have this particular trait. Then I'd wonder from the perspective of mind/body/spirit: How does that trait interact with my mind, how does this influence my biology or chemistry and is it actually a perfectly natural trait under the circumstances? Being able to put the brakes on our sense of wonder can definitely be a huge challenge at times, with our mind stuck in pondering mode as opposed to moving on beyond it. Couple this with a compulsion to know our self better, for one reason or another, and it can feel like you're in a constant state of analysis. It can get pretty mentally exhausting at times, that's for sure.

It can be really hard to stop at times. It's like 'Okay, I've stopped wondering/analysing so much. I'm going to be fully present with the person opposite me now'. You can be listening to what they have to say and then suddenly they trigger a feeling in you and bamm, you're back wondering again, 'What is this feeling and why am I feeling it? Why is it stressing me out?' It really can get out of control. I once heard it said that wonder must be balanced with action. It's the lack of action, the lack of balance which is the problem.

I hope I lead you to smile when I say...imagine yourself as some semi mysterious mystical wizard when it comes to women 🙂 Imagine the moment you first ponder a kiss and sense its magic, then imagine what you'd need, to increase the magic so as to conjure a kiss. While other guys may simply 'go for it', you become a magical man of mystery, with his spell binding ways 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Hope you are well,

It may be a silly question but can I ask how it is obvious to you that I have this wonderful nature as you put it as I am genuinely curious.

The example you gave me about how you wonder about things is basically the same pattern I find myself in. It can truly be exhausting as you say and the fact I feel I am struggling with an identity crisis that people around me would not be aware of the feelings you describe associated with this pattern of thinking I find very hard to arrest.

I see merit in the lack of balance when I think about those words you have said. The difficulty I find at the moment is I am trying to navigate myself and my actions in a productive direction but I seem to be bouncing around from one thing to the next not really knowing what the best course of action to take is.

Your last comment did in indeed make me smile and I like the way you have put it, I will keep this in mind!

I find on the front of looking for a partner which seems to be the biggest source of these feelings I have is I see my two best friends having found partners and able to spend time with someone and I am genuinely happy for them. But It does contribute to this list feeling of not knowing where I am at as i feel despite having dated for a while now which should give me enough experience to think more critically about it I am just incredibly flat and lack any hope. It is a different feeling to that of degrading myself and negative thoughts I have had in the past, it is more a hopeless feeling that I am further away from what I want than I have ever been in my life. I would understand if I had very high standards in a prospective partner as it may be that I am not giving people a chance but this is not the issue as I have been meeting all sorts of people even some where you could say it was a mistake to entertain the idea bexause it was obvious we were different.

I have really thought about what I can do better and thinking less intensely about it for my own sanity can help but I actually don’t know where to begin with this as my wondering mind does not allow me. It’s coupled with this overall lack of hope.

As someone who, as a child and teenager, had what would be perceived as a large group of friends I never felt really a proper part within these groups and I have always had feelings of do I belong here and where is it that I do truly belong in a social sense. With my friends having partners it does spark some of those feelings again

[therising]

Hi Daniel

It was some years ago when I came out of depression. This period triggered a sense of wonder in me that remains with me today. It all began with the search for my true sense of self. For that decade and a half in depression I'd defined myself through the traits of depression, so I really had no idea who I truly was outside of it. In questioning myself and all around me, I came to realise all wonder filled people work in a similar way. It's the amount and type of wondering and the number of deeply thoughtful questions that reveals when a person's on a significant quest. From my own experience, to question identity/sense of self tells us we're on a quest to discover our self.

It's true what they say, the quest to know your self can be like a 'rabbit hole experience'. The deeper you go the more offshoots you find. The more you find, the more wondering you do. Each channel triggers you to a new sense of wonder and revelation. There is so much to learn, about our self, it all just depends on how deep we choose to go. The more you learn about yourself, the more you learn about human nature in the process.

One of the best pieces of advice I've been given, by an amazing guy who's been one of my 'go to' people for self development, is 'Always remain aware of the circle you're in'. Such advice is life changing. Once you begin to develop yourself, your circle will begin to change. For example, if someone was to vibe with a circle of friends who did little other than sit around in front of a tv smoking dope or drinking that's fine if this person was content doing this for the rest of their life. If suddenly this person begins to feel what grows into a painful longing for adventure, deep self questioning, a need for greater excitement, a calling to feel love, this circle eventually becomes unbearable. With the calling to discover who they truly are through adventure, questioning/wondering, excitement (a greater sense of energy) and expressions of love, such a person suffers through the limitations of their friendship circle.

I believe we gather people as we go. We look for who'll wonder with us, who'll lead us to adventure, who'll help us navigate great challenges, who'll allow us to feel through that which we call love and so on. The search for belonging is, I believe, the search for our circle (one that can be forever evolving). I've found it's the most super natural people who will often feel they don't belong. When they connect, it's amazing.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising,

I am glad to here you came out of your journey with depression, I think you should be proud of yourself and I can tell from your posts with me you are a very wise person and although we are communicating over a screen I know you would be a great example for people to look at.

That is a great advice you were given as I can see how different social groups trigger different feelings for myself and I think this feeling I have always had that sure I am part of these groups and have friends but never really feelings a true sense that I belong can be linked to this. I do often think what would happen if I was able to hit reset on things and start where I am not known but I know this isn’t reality as I am entrenched in a certain way of life. But as you say I probably need to find those that will wonder and connect with me in different ways. I basically want someone who will understand me, it is a search for understanding that I feel I am on sometimes.

These feelings have most likely been deep seated since adolescence but have really triggered over the last 12months. Maybe lockdowns brought this closer to my attention but it was actually when we came out of lockdown late last year that I felt it really triggered. Then I found myself dating people at the same time and it may have been too much to cope all at once.

I have been reading very carefully your responses to me and have noted down parts that have resonated, which are many, and I will carry them with me through what I feel is a search to see where I finally belong as I am tired of feeling completely flat and hopeless.

Thank you again

[MangoHole]

Hi Daniel. I hope you're well.

I feel as though you and me are similar in a lot ways. I sometimes struggle with my mental health and sense of self being and I thought I'd share some tips that I use when I'm not feeling %100. I think one day you should just ignore social media for the day and try a new hobby or activity. For example an instrument, making art, reading a good book or even just going for a long walk. If you start enjoying it, it can open a whole new world to explore. It can help to open social circles, it can help build confidence and it's also just a new skill to have! And even if you don't do it socially you it's always something you can do for fun and be proud of.

I think dating has been portrayed and advertised different from real life. For example, apps like Tinder don't really show a lot about the persons personality, which is probably one of the most important things in a partner. And I know it sounds cliché, but the right person will come eventually.

Maybe you should try ignoring dating for a few weeks and just focus on yourself. Trying to sort out your own life while trying to find a partner sounds really exhausting. And if you do take some time off from dating and make a big personal discovery I'm sure that you'll feel more confident about everything else! Or maybe try it the other way. Maybe try finding a friend or date and then they might help you discover more about yourself.

I know what you mean about overthinking too. I play out weeks worth's of scenarios in my head before I even take the first step haha. Have you ever tried asking Google what you're thinking or feeling about? I think it might be good to try it if not. Like, for example: "Are people staring at my eyebrows?'. It might give you relief if you know you're not the only one looking for an answer. It also might be a temporary distraction from whatever you're thinking. Another benefit by searching whatever you're thinking is that you might find a rabbit hole to go down and find something you're really interested in. I know that when I search something up I usually end up looking at 20 different Wikipedia articles that I had no clue about until I searched it up. I think sometimes if you end up thinking about the question too long it all just starts jumble up together, kind of like repeating a word over until it loses it's meaning.

I think it's really important to try new things though. Even if it's only a new flavour of chips.

I think it's really brave of you to ask for help. I know it's not always easy.

Good Luck out there!

[Daniel12]

Hi MangoHole

Thank you for replying and offer advice it's greatly appreciated!

I think what you have suggested is a great idea and I will start trying to put this into action as quick as I can. I used to play guitar but given the way I have felt I lost the urge to do this but maybe I can use it as a trigger to get myself right again.

I want to take a break from dating and focus on myself but I also have this loneliness that would be filled by a partner or friend but my mind tends to be too clouded trying to juggle all of this and thats where I start to spiral so I need to find ways of creating a balance.

Thank you for all your advice it is very sound and I appreciate it!

[geoff]

Hello Daniel, your body can move with what everyone else is doing but are you emotionally tuned in to what's happening and if not there could be reasons why this is happening, ask your psychologist why this may be the situation.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi Daniel12

Lockdowns definitely offer plenty of time to think. You can be left analysing the hell out of every aspect of your life and that's not such a bad thing (analysing the hell out of everything) but when you're analysing the hell, fixating on it, questioning it, stressing about it and you still can't work it out (of your mind), what you're left with is feeling yourself stuck in a state of hell on earth, so to speak.

MangoHole offers sage advice - in summary, start inviting some heaven in. Try new things in a way of coming to know yourself better. If you want to take it up a notch, come to know yourself through your senses

• Taste - Does this/that food lead me to feel a sense of joy, excitement, peace etc?
• Touch - Does the feel of particular clothing, the sun on my face or my fingers connecting with my guitar etc lead me to feel a sense of calmness or something else?
• Smell - Does the smell of the essential oils in my new aftershave, the ingredients in someone's cooking, the rain coming, the lawn being mowed etc lead me to feel a sense of happiness, peace, more energy and so on?
• Sound - Does the sound of various songs, the rain on the roof, a particular chord being played etc lead me to feel a sense of hyperactivity within myself, peace, motivation and so on?
• Vision - Does the sight of certain people lead me to fell a sense of agitation, peace, joy, anxiety and so on?

It's incredible how much we feel through our senses. It's an amazing way to get to know yourself. Personally, I feel which perfume to buy based on whether I'm shopping for a sense of joy, excitement or peace. I'm such an emotional eater. A lot of emotional eating during lockdown. Black Eyed Peas' 'Monkey business' is one of the few albums that'll get me on the treadmill. There are some absolutely pumping songs on that. The quality of speakers or earphones/buds make a massive difference to how we feel music, something my daughter's just taught me. My revelation expressed aloud, which led her to laugh, 'Oh my god, that's what music's meant to sound like and do to you!' Praise Apple's commitment to quality.

It's amazing how our language starts to become more about 'I feel this or that' as opposed to 'I think this or that'. When you return to dating, you can say to the person opposite you 'Would you like to feel pure joy? Let me order you a Creme Brulee' and if she's triggered by smell, she may even say 'I love your aftershave, it makes me feel so happy'.

You lead others to feel more 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I will definitely make a concerted effort to implemented the strategies of feeling more and being in touch with my senses like you've mentioned as I think it will be productive for me.

I often use music to calm myself so that is one avenue when I really think about it where I am in touch with how I feel, different songs/albums bring about different feelings and motivations I think music is a great avenue.I know the Black Eyes Peas album you mentioned....great album and definitely the headphones make a difference!

I would like to also say to you that how thankful and grateful I am for your continued replies to my posts and advice and wisdom you have imparted on me. As someone who has never felt they really truly belong in a social setting it is very heart warming to receive responses such as yours and others to know their are people out there that have similar experiences and want to help! Whilst the interaction has only been online I can tell you are a very wise person and your daughter is lucky to have you! I wish you and your family all the best!

Daniel