Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi Geoff

Thanks again for replying and I like the example you have used and makes sense to me.

I am just a bit worn down as I have feel like I am going through a repeating cycle of rejection, if someone says to me as you've mentioned no thank you after a date or something I generally take it well because I would rather be told than have my time wasted and appreciate honesty, it just feels as though I am misunderstood or I am just seen as a "nice guy" because I am down to earth or might not try to get in someones pants on a first date.

The one area I lack experience is more the intimacy side of things, this weighs on my mind not because I have never done things because I have but not as much as people I have grown up around...the reason for this is simply because I come from a family where I have been raised to be a gentleman and it is just not my nature to want to sleep around or anything of that nature. I feel this overwhelming pressure that I should have just had more experience and that people I date might see this as a weakness if I don't try "make a move" in early stages of dating. It is not that I will never make a move, it is just that I am anxious about making the other person feel uncomfortable and I have friends who I believe give the useless advice of "just go for it" which exacerbates the problem in my mind. I guess I just am struggling to understand if there are people out there in my generation that would appreciate that side of me or whether it is a problem for me to be a bit slow in the intimacy regard. it all feeds into me being confused about how to act.

I am not that shy, I am just not a loud person and I listen to people and like to listen rather than drive an entire conversation and I feel I am someone the more you meet a different side of me comes out...my friends have described me as someone who when you first meet is down to earth but to get to know me properly is to give me a chance.

I guess I am just at a loss as i'm starting to ask the question "do I really make that bad a first impression that someone isn't even the slightest bit interested to get to know me past a first date for example". I'd I keep good conversation in the dates I go on and it's all very two way but it's just the same result, so I feel pressure do I need to act different or try and do something in terms of physical intimacy.

I can tell writing this how confused I am haha

[therising]

Hi Daniel

It can definitely prove to be so incredibly hard, to be yourself in this world. It really is such hard work at times. It's like you gotta put on your 'walking on eggshells' shoes before you head out the door.

I can relate to what you say when it comes to getting a feel for people before you reveal your natural self to them. People can be pretty complicated at times. Eg: You can meet a damsel in distress. First you have to work out is she really a damsel in distress or is she just acting like one, for some reason. You can meet a macho guy. Is he acting like a macho guy for some reason, to perhaps hide his insecurities, or does he just have way too much testosterone for his own good? It's like you're taking your cues from other people/actors. 'To be or not to be (your true self)?', that is the question.

Sounds like you are naturally a gentleman with impressive self control. You are naturally open minded. You're naturally a good listener and most likely naturally wonderful. For example, when you listen to what people say, do you wonder what leads them to say what they do? Do you wonder why they act the way they do? Do you wonder if they're acting? If you're full of wonder, this makes you naturally wonderful. Sounds like you're also naturally cautious and naturally interested in your own evolution. Could go on but let's just say you're an all 'round natural. As a natural, I imagine you find a lot of people around you to be a bit of hard work at times, perhaps even a little exhausting.

Don't take it personally, women can be hard work at times. I'm allowed to say this, as I'm a woman 🙂 I'm sure they'd be plenty of women who'd be triggered by this comment but let's get real. If you don't sleep with a woman who's desperate to feel attractive, she'll feel rejected. If you don't sleep with a woman who refuses to control her own sex drive, she'll look for someone else to fulfill her needs. If you don't sleep with a woman who's looking for a deluded sense of love through sex, she'll look for someone else to 'love' her. Yes, don't take it personally. If you happen to come across a woman who enjoys the work up of chemistry over some weeks, leading to intimacy, then she's the woman for you. Kind of like a long foreplay that's kind of electric/energising.

Gradually trading off parts of who you naturally are can become depressing, to the point where you can no longer recognise yourself. When you find other naturals, you'll know. It's something you just feel.

🙂

[geoff]

Hello Daniel, what you have said, I totally agree with because that's exactly how I was brought up and going out with different ladies was for one date only, I was even too shy to kiss them and the first real date was my wife who showed me what to do and we were married for 25 years, until my depression kept going on as well as I used alcohol as a self medication, so I was responsible and now deeply regret it.

We still talk as if nothing happened, always have a laugh and a joke and wonder why we still aren't together, but she is looking after a chap who has now developed dementia, so this is impossible and as I said I only wish this illness had not taken hold of me.

Getting back to what you've said, some of my mates at school boasted about their girlfriends while I remained single and although I had good mates, I never had the opportunity nor the courage to find someone and only pretended to go along with what they were saying.

It's not that you make a bad impression at all, all this means, is that you don't have the confidence, and I know exactly what you're saying.

Take care Daniel and please ask anything you want.

Geoff.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising,

I appreciate getting a females insight into some of the things I have said as I do not have many female voices in my life that I can talk to about things, I have grown up in a male dominated environment

I have, to use your label, grown up around a lot of “macho men” within my friends groups and as I would say I am the more placid character within the group it does create this sense of pressure that I need to be more like them in order for me to find someone or attract someone as I seem to be falling at the same hurdle all the time.

I am a deep thinker, which can be to my detriment, so I really analyse if I am doing something wrong and there have been times where I can pinpoint things like maybe relaxing my intensity can help and I have been working on this.

I think now I would really like to find a proper connection with someone that I have never had so far in my life, I also start thinking sometimes is it concerning that at 25 I’ve never had a relationship or really been close. Whilst I’ve dated it has never eventuated past a 3rd date for example and I don’t know if women see this as a potential red flag as the honest answer is it just doesn’t seem to happen at the time.

I also have grown up in a very traditional family whereby you get an education, get a job, find a partner and have a family and it’s all very sequential. Whilst my parents have changed their tune and suggest there is no pressure on me to find someone until it’s right I feel this incredible weight on my shoulders as I know they expect this and they say things or compare me to others within the family that have partners that make it clear.

In the current climate also online is really the main source of trying to meet someone and not just a partner but even friends and I feel so quickly judged and this comes back to the whole “boring” thing I have mentioned. I look at myself on paper and think I’m really not that much tbh I just work, study, exercise and then maybe go out for dinner every now and then so how can I come across attractive when I just seem really normal tbh.

I have looked into ways to join certain classes for example to broaden my circles but I get crippling anxiety to do this

it just feels as though since I turned 25 I’m driving through a fog and I can’t see where it’s going to clear, my mind races from one thing to the next and I get down and exhausted

Also, I really like the way you write and examples they use it makes a lot of good sense to me so thank you!

[Daniel12]

Hi Geoff,

It sounds like you have been able to come through the other side of your problems quite well from the way you speak and I think the fact you have a great relationship with her to this day is testament to who you are and I admire this!

I can relate to not being able to for example make the first move to kiss the girl. It’s something that just makes me anxious, I have done it in the past but I have not done it with someone that I really connect with and when I meet someone I like I get tense and anxious about it whether they’ll like it if I do do it or if I don’t whether I am weak so my mind races before the possibility even presents itself.

I guess the dynamic I have grown up in has been like a very “locker room” type of situation where people talk about the different women they might have been with and this has never really sat well within me mostly because of how I have been brought up. It has also fed into my constant overthinking of what I am supposed to be or how I am supposed to act as when I try to just be myself I feel it’s not exciting enough or I am worried too much about what the other person may be thinking that I can’t enjoy the moment

I would not say it’s overly noticeable when I am out it’s more a voice in the back of my head that keeps going and going as I am in situations and I feel I am not fully there whilst I may seem it to other people

I know all the things I am mentioning seem trivial compared to the worries people have in the world and I am grateful the for the good that I do have i guess I have just been feeling down, flat and confused and I’m trying to find answers in an environment where we are in lockdowns and I can’t seem to find a break in my thought patterns and it wears me out.

I thought I would have figured this stuff out by my age and given I have been dating I thought experience would help, which is has to a degree but it’s also contributed to more down moments as when I do meet someone and it inevitably ends the same way I try to analyse why and it exhausts me

i don’t know what other avenues I can try other than online, I would like to try a class or something but I fear my anxiety would just take over and my natural self won’t come out

[Whits]

Hi Daniel,

Firstly I just want to remind you that what you're feeling is SO normal. Literally no one has any idea about who they really are at 25. I'm 33 and still have an identity crisis weekly.

It's such a falsehood that having the 'great job' and 'great apartment' equals happiness. Honestly, the people I know who fit this description are the least happy.

I struggle with anxiety and depression myself, and the main things which keep me grounded is appreciating the simple things, being in nature, being around solid friends, animals etc. Just connecting with what you actually enjoy, and not what you think will make you 'likeable'.

With regards to dating - this is an absolute mindfield for ALL! I detest dating, I feel it the cruelest form of torture.

Most people view me as confident, charismatic, decent looking.. And let me tell you before any date I am absolutely freaking out. I feel like they have an expectation of me that I cannot possibly satisfy. Full on existential crisis.

That said, when you do meet the right person, it just kinds of.. works? I know that sounds annoying, but honestly you will go on 100 bad dates, before the 101st makes it all worth while.

Just know you're not alone. I still haven't found that person myself, but I have hope that eventually my introverted self will stumble upon that one person who appreciates and loves my quirks.

And I know you will too xx

[geoff]

Hello Daniel, I don't think for some of us it's not easy to give someone a kiss, especially if you have been brought up in a family where eternic and manners dominate, especially when someone like our grandmother wants to give us a kiss with all the makeup applied, puts us off, so we go hiding, none of this helps us with confidence.

None of your worries are trivial, this is a problem that concerns you, so to you, it's very important and we must treat every problem on itself, not compared to how others are feeling, and who's to say that person A has more or less problems than person D, so every person who writes a comment, we must take it as being serious for them and that's certainly how I take your comment because it's certainly none less than anybody else.

Daniel, you have my full support and it's only now, at my age that I have overcome these fears because I'm never sure what's going to happen.

Take care.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

There is definitely no set order to things. My brother recently became a father at 55 and he's so glad he has the maturity and experience in life with which to guide his son. He's an amazing father, husband, brother, son, philosopher, commander of his own life, sensitive loving guy and successful businessman, amongst other things. He really is a sensitive guy in so many ways. Like you, he senses the need to be a self questioner, which explains why he's evolved so much. He senses the need to love people to life, pushing them outside their comfort zone so they find the best in themself and they do. He also does not suffer fools. He can sense foolishness easily. He'd be the 1st to tell you that he has never been immune to feeling fear. I believe his secret is he imagines this feeling as a rise to courage. It's the feeling of courage that drives him outside his comfort zone. He thrives on it. It defines him as courageous, which he is.

Coming to know yourself is no trivial matter. Sometimes it can actually be serious business, such as with significant mental health issues. And while we can be grateful for what we have, such gratitude should not stop us from achieving more. There can at times be a sense of sorrow when it comes to settling for less. Would you want to settle half way when it comes to fully understanding yourself? Would you want to settle in the same house you're grateful for, for the rest of your life, while feeling the deep need for change?

I've found some feelings are definitely tough to identify at times. There can be times where I think 'I know what I'm feeling' but it turns out I'm way off, when I've come to make better sense of things a bit later. Wondering if you can relate to any of the following. Put me in a busy restaurant and I can feel my sensitivity to sound (you know that semi muffled everyone talking at once kind of sound). It does my head in. Give me a wine or beer and I'll feel the second the chemical reaction becomes significant. Tell me I have to order quickly and I'll feel the urgency/agitation. I can't be hurried when I go out to relax. If you sat me with folk I'd never met before, I'd be able to feel if they were reading me. Most people can feel when they're being judged. If I was taking in every detail of that restaurant, I'd be able to gradually feel my brain becoming too hyperactive for my own good. A lot of these feelings I used to put down to anxiety, not knowing what I was feeling.

Oh, to be sensitive 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Hope you are doing well!

Your brother sounds like a very assured person despite the fact he may admit to being fearful in some cases, I believe this is a strength anyway. I’m sure he has been a good role model for you or voice to lean on or an example to look at. He does sound a bit like my father in a lot of respects, whilst my father is old fashioned because of cultural traditions largely he does often draw on that rise to courage to get himself to adapt to different situations.

I know I want to push to achieve more in my life it is just the means as to how and this general lack of identity within my sort of social group that I feel is holding me back as I believe I have automatically revert back to my comfort zone out of fear of letting myself fully discover who I am and more to the point letting people see who I believe to be the real me as I have been terrified of being left out and not accepted since I was a kid with respect to social settings. Sometimes I think the difference between myself in the family and outside within society is quite startling and I struggle to fully let go when I am out.

I am unsure if you were asking me if I could relate to some of the feelings you described when you are out at a restaurant for example but to answer anyway, what you describe is very much how I feel in situations such as this. I can sense the people around me there conversations and sometimes I even judge myself based upon looking at people who look to be having a great time yet I feel trapped inside my head. I often feel I am present without actually being present if that makes any sense, I am aware of what is happening around but there is a battle going on within myself where I try to tell myself to relax but what I think to be anxiety takes over. My friends and family do not recognise this at all as my general demeanour and how I act doesn’t show this and a bystander may even look at me as I look as others. But I often feel confused, worn down and flat at the end of a night out.

sometimes I feel I am too sensitive and too aware of feelings of anxiousness and the like and that I exacerbate them as my mind keeps pondering them instead of just recognising it and moving on

[Daniel12]

Hi Geoff,

Hope you are well

I really appreciate your support and time in responding to me it does give me a boost to know people understand and I can talk about things.

I think you are right about upbringing affecting this as I believe that is a lot of what it is and I am aware their is self esteem attached to this. But I think upon really thinking about it I feel it’s just an anxiety that I will be cast away by the other party and I have struggled with this sense of being accepted since I was a child and it is very much a social issue not within my family thankfully. The common feeling is I want to but I convince myself not to or I feel unnatural. I had someone say to me recently that the right person will understand either way and I hope this is true.

I know I am confused at the moment and am struggling with a bit of an identity crisis in a time where lockdown makes it hard to escape these thoughts but I have reconciled that I committed to finding the answers I want!