Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[therising]

Hi Daniel

You are such a beautiful, thoughtful, compassionate deeply caring and deeply feeling person. This world received an extra blessing the day you entered into it.

I think the hardest time in our life still remains the hardest time in our life no matter how we compare it to what others are going through or have been through. It is such a personal experience, where only we can feel the full force of our own challenges, our own struggles and our own desperate need for answers and change when it comes to how to get through it.

The hardest time in our life reshapes us, forces us to exercise our vision in constructive ways, pushes us to change our inner dialogue, leads us to feel new emotions, refuses us the chance to stay in habits that no longer work etc. In a way, it torments us into changing in ways we've never had to before. The hardest time in our life is naturally tormenting, that's its nature.

I think if I had to comprise a top 5, when it comes to my hardest times, I'd have to acknowledge one of the common threads that runs through them. That thread is self esteem. I can look back and say I settled for lack of compassion from those around me to varying degrees, settled for a lack of answers or solutions, settled for a lack of greater understanding and empathy. I settled for a lot when I should have demanded compassion, answers, solutions, greater understanding , empathy and more, from a number of people around me.

When our intolerant sense of self begins to come to life more, we cease settling. When it comes to life we begin to demand more. When it dictates at times 'This is not good enough, you need to demand answers and respect', self esteem begins to naturally rise as a side effect. The hardest time or times in our life can bring parts of us to life that have always been there, waiting to come to life. They remain waiting for the invitation. The risk taker waits. The adventurer waits. The intolerance sense of self waits. The warrior in us waits. The list goes on when it comes to what waits within us.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Thanks for your very kind words, much appreciated!

I think self esteem as you mention is probably a massive driving factor in everything I struggle with to be honest.

I am having a very hard time at the moment trying to decipher what to do in a current situation that's really sort of representative of the core of my problems to be honest.

Basically as I may have previously mentioned I met someone & that ended, to me, unexpectedly and I gave her some space & to gather my thoughts given it came from nowhere so after some time to think I tried to be open at the time whilst being respectful just to say look I think you're worth the effort to get to continue to get to know given the values we share and how well we seemed to get along so I wanted to leave the door open to getting to know her. I already expected it but she sort of just said the same thing to me which still leaves me confused.

Apart from still feeling silly for doing that and feeling like I am weak, the issue that I am having now is id liked to try reach out as you had mentioned before just to float the idea of a coffee but I am unsure of how to do it, whether it is stupid of me to do it, desperate/silly I don't know.

It's representative of how things go for me in my mind and send me on a spiral, like I know in my heart what I "feel" like doing but my thinking side is so cultivated that it throws in every single parameter and variable imaginable that sends me into a spin where I will be like "oh no you can't you'll look desperate because of last time", "she dumped you for someone else most likely", "you have no chance"....those are examples of what pops into my head whenever I feel like doing something even though I know deep down that those are all anxious assumptions.

I just don't know like I have never really felt like something was just "right" with someone like that before and the way it ended still doesn't seem to sit right, not in a resentful way, more so in a way where I feel like I know there was compatibility there and that's what's making me think why not at least ask the question, but it's self esteem and fear of looking desperate, silly, inappropriate or disrespectful that's killing me

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

It has been a while & I was thinking of our discussions the other day as I reflected on a bit of whirlwind 6 months it's been for me and I wanted to reach out to see how things are going with you & your family, I hope everything is going well for you!

Just want to again say thank you for everything you did for me & all the words of advice and support you gave me in many of my manic ramblings you have no idea how much it helped me and I will forever be grateful for your help as well as the help of others on the forum here.

I see now with your help & the experience of the last 12 months in particular that I did not have a good grip on my own self worth, self talk, anxiety, you name it & I think I experienced an explosion of a manic state of emotions which had me bouncing off the walls from very deep & dark depressive moments to very hyperactive thinking that led to me really operating in my day to day life either exhausted or in a complete false reality about myself.

You have no idea how much your words stuck with me & I'd like to think whilst I still have anxiety (as do a lot of people) & overthinking tendencies the last 6 months things have really turned around & I often remember the words & phrases you taught me that help me through small challenges & new experiences I am facing.

For example, I am embarking on a 6 month anniversary with my girlfriend & the moment I met her my false reality about myself & how things should work completely flipped & found myself really just being in the moment for the first time in a long time and without all the knowledge you imparted on me in the lead up to that I don't think I would of been prepare for any of it.

Thank you so much, you are an inspiration!

Daniel

[therising]

Hi Daniel

So good to hear from you. All is well from my end as life offers a few learning curves. Such is the nature of life. I'd been wondering about how you've been going but wanted to give you a break, respecting your time in trying to work things out for yourself. Congratulations on your 6 month anniversary. When I read that, tears (of joy) literally built up in my eyes and I felt that news with all my heart. I am so incredibly happy for you.

As mentioned before, you've managed to shed light for me too which is one of the things I appreciate about you. The business of raising others (their spirits, their confidence, their consciousness etc) is a beautiful business to be in, hey.

I was recently mentioning to someone what an incredible gift it is to a family to have a sensitive amongst them, someone who can sense the way forward through what they see through their imagination, what they hear through their inner dialogue and what they feel with all their heart. To have a seer, hearer and feeler in the family is what it means to have a guiding light. I also mentioned to them that such a sensitive person will experience both ends of the spectrum. They won't just see the best way forward, hear the most inspiring of inner dialogue and feel the most beautiful of feelings, they will also experience the depressing end. How to manage not being able to see the way forward or seeing the worst, how to manage not being able to hear inspiration or hearing the worst inner dialogue ('You're hopeless, you'll always be broken' etc) and how to manage feeling the most excruciating and depressing of emotions comes with the territory of being a sensitive in training. Sensing it all, from one extreme to the other, offers a broad scope with which to work with.

Your girlfriend sounds like your well deserved reward for so much hard work in the way of self understanding.🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising 

I have often thought about how you have been doing also and glad to hear things are going well! You’ve truly had a great impact on my outlook on things and you really kickstarted a lot of self discovery for me the way you framed things for me so do not underestimate the appreciation I have for that!

I agree with what you say it is something that I’ve found to be true of myself, I often experience things with their full weight whether it’s good or bad and even whether it has anything to do with me or not at all. I’ve learnt what amount of energy to place into either scenario and found that it’s a balance whether it’s a good or bad emotion, I’ve found for me personally I can’t invest in either to an extreme as it seems to tip me over an edge so to speak and I easily get overwhelmed & really think the hell out of things. I’ve found that I’m at my best when I don’t have time to place too much of my thought or anxiety into something & sort of let it be what it’ll be.

The way I met my partner sort of typifies a lot of progress I feel I’ve made, as it sort of just happened. There was no thought loop or anxiety I have gone through about things like “what if I’m too nice”, “does she like me?”, “why would she like me?”, “what do I do in xyz scenario”. 
I just found myself falling into it & being really present with the whole thing, even found myself making a 4hr car trip to go see her whilst she was on placement something that just would never have crossed my anxiety riddled mind even 12months ago for fear of judgement from anyone and everyone, just said to myself I want to go & I went.

Id like to think I’m starting to really show who I am & let out the person I’ve always known I am!