Having nothing in life

[Cee123]

Hi guys, I just need someone to talk to about how crappy I feel.

I have a massive sense of failure in my life and I feel completely stuck, I have ongoing loneliness, years of unemployment, no friends, no partner, I'm 35 soon and I should be married with kids but I have nothing and I feel like time is running out. I live at home with my parents still. They are my only real source of support. I don't have anybody else. And if I lived alone I would've lost it by now and probably taken my own life. I have depression, social anxiety... I've always been single all my life and I can't find anybody. I haven't worked in over 10 years because at my last job which was a deadend job in housekeeping I was bullied and called a retard and this caused ongoing mental health issues. Just a couple of years ago, I started going to the gym with my cousin. I'm currently still going to the gym and this has lifted my spirits a bit. It took me a long, long time before I could even go into a gym. But now I'm running out of money, and I feel like I won't be able to afford it anymore. I don't know what to do for money. I am painfully shy and awkward to even talk to people much of the time. I have been applying for jobs online and heard absolutely nothing back. I have seriously low self-esteem. I just feel sad. I have a dog who's 16 years old now who I can't even take for walks anymore because she's on her last legs. She's like my child.

I've been to therapists about my depression and they haven't helped. I've also been on medication which has helped a little bit. I went off it for about a year because I didn't like the side effects. Now I feel like I'm going to need it again. I don't know what to do with my life. I feel depressed and lonely all the time, no one talks to me anymore, I don't go anywhere because I have nowhere to go. Even at the gym it feels like I have no association with anyone. I'm posting here, I hope I won't get judged or abused because I've abused on forums before and it's been horrible.

[Guest_9871]

Sorry Cee, i guess what i was trying to say in my previous post was something like this.... is your dad aware that what he is saying to you is having a negative effect? Is he the sort of person to change do you think? Maybe he is like me and always wants to help but says things that come out the wrong way which makes things worse? I wish i had all the answers for you but I'm in no position at the moment to be giving advice. I just hope your dad comes around so you can all sit down and work on finding a solution.

[Cee123]

Hey Paul

Maybe you're right, maybe I do have some talents. I just don't know what they are. You are right about a lack of good friends. Sorry to hear about your workmates all being younger. I felt that when I went back to study. I was 26 and my classmates were 17 and 18. So not exactly like we had a lot in common. I feel like a lot of my "friends" disappeared after high school. I made some new ones at past jobs but it was more like a shallow work friendship. I don't know. I like the idea of picking one thing at a time and focusing on it. Just not sure where to begin. That sounds like a better idea than trying to focus on too many things at once... I'll just end up breaking down.

[Cee123]

Hi Randomx,

Sorry to hear about your friendship situation. Yeah I agree, it is difficult to do anything about. It sucks. You said you've been there for 4 years. Did you move to a new area? That's especially difficult.

Thanks Randomx, I'm glad people are coming up with ideas here. Because I am absolutely stumped. Just at a deadend. Yeah maybe. Maybe there's time to turn this around. You're right - a hobby would be good. Something I enjoy doing. I've got a few.

[Cee123]

Hey Paul,

Yeah I've been to him before that doctor, and he's helped massively. I always thought about what a good bloke he is. But today I went there, and it was like he just couldn't be bothered with me and couldn't care less. Even showing a fair bit of negativity towards me. When I mentioned a disability job agency to help with my mental health situation, he said it won't help and that the only thing they'll do for me is make me fill out more and more paperwork. He seemed a bit annoyed with me today. I think because he put me on a mental health plan once before and I didn't follow through. Unless I was imagining him being annoyed. Felt like he couldnt stand me.

My father seems to have changed his tune all of a sudden and is now being supportive. Yeah my parents are well aware of what I'm going through now. Even my brother. But problem is, we don't know what to do. I've just taken one of the tablets prescribed to me tonight. I feel a tiny bit better but not much at all. I've been reaching out to them a lot more now. And other people as well. I just feel better when I find myself talking it out.

That's a good idea, I never really thought if they have trained therapists at Lifeline. I did wonder that. Or even here at BeyondBlue. It would be good to have somebody who understands and that can help. I did see a therapist years ago. She gave me a pile of diagnoses and put me on a cocktail of pills everyday. It helped. She gave me a nudge to go back and study IT again. But then I ended up failing that anyway, and not particularly enjoying it. You're right.. I'm giving it some thought now about Lifeline potentially having therapists that they would recommend. I'm pretty sure they are available 24 hours a day. But the online chat finishes at 10pm or something stupid like that. I've found the chat to not be particularly helpful.

[Cee123]

That's alright, Paul. No worries. I think he tries to help, but then ends up saying things that aren't helpful. Like you say you're like that yourself, I think in some ways I'm also like that. He seems to have changed his tune now, he's being more supportive, I think because I said something to him the other day and now he realizes. Yeah I think he tries to help but then ends up saying something that isn't all that supportive. Yeah he's come around since the post where I said he wasn't supportive. Seems to have changed his tune. I feel kind of bad for saying that now. He tries, I guess.

[geoff]

Hello Cee Paul and Rx, I'm typing on an inadequate so please excuse any errors as this is the 3rd time but so e good points have been made but being the older person in class others may quietly look up to you sometimes we don't see it that way and that's fair enough.

Its difficult for us to explain how we feel to our parents because they have been brought up in a particularly different era and can't understand how we feel and could be comparing their life to ours, that's the problem

Are they interested in knowing more about any mental disorder because they might be suffering from it themselves.

Best wishes

Geoff

[Cee123]

Yeah it's interesting when you think of it that way. When you consider these days how there's a lot more awareness about it compared to what there used to be. It used to be not very well known about or recognized that much.

[Guest_9871]

I am pretty sure your dad is worried about you more than what he shows. He probably has alot bottled up as well.

[Cee123]

Yeah I think he is at the moment. And my poor mother as well. I don't know why I'm such an emotional wreck and a burden to everybody. I wish I was just a functional human being like everyone else. It really upsets me and makes me feel worse that I'm not.

[Guest_9871]

Hey Cee. You are not a burden to anybody. Please don't think that you are as you might just be putting too much pressure on yourself. I have been thinking today that we are all basically equal in this world and we need to start believing it. Things seem to change daily and not much seems to go to plan but things seem to work out eventually in their own weird way.
I think in one of your posts you mentioned that you don't use your IT skills. If you don't end up getting work in that field then dont stress. I studied about 7 years in architectural drafting and supervising but have never used those qualifications.
Maybe we just need to hit the reset button in our mind and agree that whatever has happened up until this point in our lives has happened and now things are going to change, without the worry.
I really think we can start to enjoy life again if we block out the crappy thoughts.
All i know is that for me, i really don't want to spend all my life feeling like crap and missing out on the things that i will regret later.
P.s. the sun is back out today after raining for a week.