Had Enough of Not Feeling Normal

[Durras]

Hi all,

I want to say first of thank you to everyone for all support given to me, all your words of advice and support are so much appreciated and I know it isn't easy when your struggling in your own battles with life.

Not feeling suicidal, but yes feeling like I have had enough of being this way. Woke this morning feeling so gloomy, heavy chested, head still going like a runaway train with thoughts and can't stop it. I just want to stop it all and thinking this is how my life is suppose to be, this is it.

I have put much positivity into posts for others to help but I guess like it can be so often, it is easier to give advice and support then taking it for yourself and harder to practice what your preach.

Don't really know what else to say but just had enough of being this way and can't see my way out of it. Have had goals, woke the other morning feeling positive but now it has gone and think I was only dreaming or wishfully thinking but na it won't happen.

Feeling guilty for not being a better person, wife,  mother and feel have nothing to offer anymore and can't see it in the future also.

Am going to doctors today hope he may help, but that's just it also, hate relying on meds to make me feel normal, to me it's not normal. (sorry so much negativity going on in me right now, hope that don't hurt anyone as I know meds are a positive helper but right now feeling negative about them and having to rely and depend on them.

Well had enough of living this way.

Durras

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[Durras]

Hi Christina,

Sorry to hear you weren't feeling well and were in hospital with breathing problems I do hope your ok now. What was the cause of it? I ask because my husband had light chest pain the other week and I noticed his breathing during the night so we went to the doctors and they sent us to the hospital where they ran tests on him. They still have no answer but the doctor is now sending him to a specialist for cardiac assessment.

Sorry Christina I thought or maybe I should say assumed you were with your husband but you are living alone.

Before I opened up to my husband I had been suffering in silence for years until one day I lost it, couldn't take it anymore and had a box of my blood pressure tablets in one hand and on my 3rd Bundy rum in the other. I was crying and the only one home, I was alone. I live with my husband and his family while we are saving to buy our own home. Back to what I was saying. I didn't take any but  I had done previously before I met my husband.

I rang my husband at work and through my tears and trying to breath I managed to say come home immediately I need to go to the doctors. well I am glad this happened cause now he rings me every day and asks if I am ok. This happened about a month ago. I wasn't on anti-depressants then but I am now.

Since this time I was feeling all alone, I don't want to talk with his family as they have their problems.

I didn't want to talk with him about it as he  may not fully understand, he may not know how to help, I don't want him to worry so much. I had all answers for why I shouldn't.

I can't talk to my family as they are in NZ and my mum is supporting my sister through a divorce, helping with her kids and when she stresses too much she gets bad painful shingles ( I think it is shingles)

So I know what feeling all alone is like and nobody to talk too, but in the long run this past week even thou on medication it was worse and worse in my head, my mind and my whole being and I couldn't handle it, I was feeling so guilty for who I was, how I was, bad mum, bad wife, useless, all my thoughts were eating me inside making me feel so paralysed.

Last week I woke one morning and thought ENOUGH I had like a light bulb go on in my head and it was about nursing. I started talking to my husband about it and before I knew it I was connecting it to my depression.

Here on BB we are a family we are here for you. Did I go off track from your post then. Sorry

Carol

[Wah]

Carol 

After reading all the posts I am glad you have moved to a better place and have some positive things to focus on. Sometimes medication helps to create some stability in our thinking and function. Just like the blood pressure meds stabilize readings.

I have seen several psychologists. I find they help me take a step back and manage the emotion around how I am feeling. I can then think more clearly and plan how I am going to manage or respond. Sometimes I think I hold a lot of emotion in by not talking about it as I think no one is going to want to hear my rantings! Sometimes I can identify my thinking is out of whack and try to take a step back and put a hold on that. 

I am sure you will find it a positive experience, as that person will be there just for you. 

Good luck with your study.

Marg 

[White_Rose]

Hello Carol

Thanks for your concern. I feel much better today. Not a big fan of hospitals though I know we need them on occasions. Just talked to my GP and organised further investigations of difficulties. Probably not a huge problem now that cardiac "stuff" has been ruled out. It could be oesophagus spasms, a form of indigestion, ulcers and a couple of other things that I cannot remember. Nothing life threatening but painful and upsetting. No doubt all will be made clear.

Just a small comment. My name is Mary. I hope you meant to respond to me and not Christina. (smile)

There is no need to tell the world about your struggles, particularly when others have problems of their own. But part of marriage is to help and support each other. But no matter how it all came about, you and hubby have started to talk and that's great. He may never fully understand the impact of depression, but he can understand it is a real illness and you are not being hysterical or attention seeking or any of the other motives ascribed to those with depression. So I suggest you stop struggling to manage on your own and lean on your husband a little.

Generally I am OK on my own. It has been a huge relief at times, but lets face it, we are social creatures and need the company of others. So when I feel as you described yourself above, I need to hold on tight to get through it. My GP is great and if I am in a really bad way I can always get an appointment.

I used to feel I was a dreadful mother, though I think my ex encouraged me to think this. These days I am more philosophical. My children have turned out to be great adults, kids become more understanding as they grow up, especially when they start thinking they are not good parents to their own children. Seen in retrospect, I think I was not as bad a person as I believed. There are people who like my company, find comfort in talking to me, my grandchildren love me (usually) and I have a satisfying life on the whole. Now if I could only bring the Black Dog to heel it would be peachy.

It's hard to have your family far away. I emigrated here from the UK in1970. No other family here. I made a couple of trips to the UK and came to realise how much better I found Australia. Still, it was sad when my parents and elder sister died.

I went to uni in my 50s often wondering how I had been accepted, convinced I had somehow tricked them into believing I had a brain. But I completed my degree and I'm not stupid anymore.

Keep going Carol.

Mary

[hope4joy]

Hi Carol,

its nice to see more conversation here - hi Mary and Marg too!

Thank you for mentioning mind spot Carol, I'll go and check it out. Its funny but I feel my meds are already working - a SNRI antidepressant  - i'm not sure if this is just my positive hope for them, but i guess it doesn't matter! I had a really quick reaction to  different SNRI antidepressant last time, so fingers crossed this means this new SNRI antidepressant might be helpful to raise my mood. I guess I also feel positive because I'm trying to find new ways to address the depression in my life and it feels like i'm moving forward (very slowly, but forward!).

 Its difficult having to wait so long to increase doses and to see if meds are effective - but I guess we're all in the same boat. I'm glad your bipolar meds are helping.

Yeah its an interesting thing starting with a psychologist. My experience is that they can be really helpful in asking questions at first to help to get to know you. And I often write down some goals of what I'd like to get out of seeing them - like i'll write down some things i'm struggling with and would like help in. And for me i'm quite a private person face-to-face, so it takes me a bit of time to get to know a new person, the same with a psychologist. I guess a great thing about therapy is that the psychologist is there to help you, they are on your side, and want to try to help you overcome problems. So if you have worries about therapy or are uncertain of what to share or how much, you can ask them to help guide you. And maybe keep posting here if you have any concerns or doubt etc - plenty of people here to help you out!

And cool, you're doing nursing. Are you continuing from last year or this is a new course starting? I'm about to start year two in visual arts.

I hope you have a good time away Carol,

kind wishes, Christina