Had Enough of Not Feeling Normal

[Durras]

Hi all,

I want to say first of thank you to everyone for all support given to me, all your words of advice and support are so much appreciated and I know it isn't easy when your struggling in your own battles with life.

Not feeling suicidal, but yes feeling like I have had enough of being this way. Woke this morning feeling so gloomy, heavy chested, head still going like a runaway train with thoughts and can't stop it. I just want to stop it all and thinking this is how my life is suppose to be, this is it.

I have put much positivity into posts for others to help but I guess like it can be so often, it is easier to give advice and support then taking it for yourself and harder to practice what your preach.

Don't really know what else to say but just had enough of being this way and can't see my way out of it. Have had goals, woke the other morning feeling positive but now it has gone and think I was only dreaming or wishfully thinking but na it won't happen.

Feeling guilty for not being a better person, wife,  mother and feel have nothing to offer anymore and can't see it in the future also.

Am going to doctors today hope he may help, but that's just it also, hate relying on meds to make me feel normal, to me it's not normal. (sorry so much negativity going on in me right now, hope that don't hurt anyone as I know meds are a positive helper but right now feeling negative about them and having to rely and depend on them.

Well had enough of living this way.

Durras

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Durras]

Hi Hope4joy, MisterM, ci, Sherie, Scotchfinger, White Rose and Shelly anne.

Thank you all for your wonderful and caring posts, they all mean so much to me very deeply. Big Hugs to you all as I say THANK YOU!!

I'm feeling in a better place now, during the weekend I found a nursing course which starts 8th Feb and it is close to home. I've had a good talk with my husband and showed all the information about the course and he said for me to stop looking for work and focus on this course.

While watching the news it was about the man who killed him and his two boys in the car and then driving of the cliff or was it bridge. My husband was saying (How can people do this, what makes them to do this?) I turned to him and said "I know it is hard for you to understand, for me I do, I have felt so low to take my life so I can some what relate to it thou I know it's so sad he took the two boys with him"

I carried on saying " When we suffer we don't want to be a burden on anyone, we don't want to share it with others and we feel they won't understand or we are too embarrassed and for me I worry for you as your already in a stressful job position and taking on my stuff I feel worried is just too much for you especially when you have had a little chest pain already") I have his parents here to talk to but his family have personal matters going on. My parents are helping my sister through her divorce, she has been really sick and they are often caring for her two kids. When my mum stresses too much she gets really bad and painful shingles so I have taken this on alone.

After talking with my husband last night he did say he wants to understand it more so I mentioned the BB website with lots of information for carers and he wants to read it so that is fantastic. Also I was reading last night about depression and quitting smoking which I enjoyed reading, I will put that into plan/place when I come back from NZ and after seeing my psychologist.

My doctors appointment went well, he has put me onto a mental health care plan and has given me so meds for schizophrenia and bi-polar to help calm me. I rang the psychologist but their was no answer so I left a message and will try again today.

Well I have written up my plans for each day this with my to do list. 

So glad I have found this wonderful support from all of you, your all truly very beautiful people and please know I do care for all of you.

Massive hugs to you all

Durras

X

[ci]

Durras I'm so glad you feeling more positive! 

And that your husband is wanting to understand  more, I was in similar situation with my husband I  printed off heaps of stuff the thing he found most helpful was other people telling there story explaining there symptoms and day to day living it was like a light bulb went on for him and he gets it. Even to the point he was able to explain it to our family with me. 

When I was first diagnosed with ocd and depression Robin Williams committed suicide I  had similar conversation with people as you with the man in car with kids. Everyone said someone that seems to have everything how can that happen. It doesn't matter what you have this illness effects everyone and I would never commit suicide (a number of my family members have and I know the upset that leaves behind) but I have a understanding of the place you find yourself in mentally and physically where you feel like you are doing is right. It's a horrible thing.

I also planning to study this year worried will be to much but I feel like need to focus on something other than my illness do something for me for the first time in my 13years of being a mum.

I'm so glad you doing well and making plans for the future

[Scotchfinger]

Durass

the part about not being a burden, that really resonated with me. I'm getting close to a situation where I need financial assistance from partner to survive. That just kills me inside.

It's like pressure on all fronts at once. You need a job, but are too stressed to work. Pride is working against fear of failure.

Ok I've digressed. Sounds like you are doing well, Durass. Take care.

[Durras]

Hi ci,

What studies are you looking at doing?

Yeah it is time to do something for myself thou it has been hard to accept in my head that all financial responsibilities will be placed on my husband, I still feel terrible for him but he also is the one that told me to study. It  is only for a month so I'm glad with that and hope to find work from it.

I don't really want to show much of what I'm sharing on here to my husband as I don't know and am scared with how he would take it until he truly understands. I am glad thou he is wanting to know more. It is so true that you never know what is going on behind the eyes of someone and or behind closed doors is the other expression.

Hey Scotchfinger,

How are you today?

I know it kills me too with not being able to support my husband. As I was saying to him this is the biggest stress for me, especially to if my daughter is (mum can I have $$$ for this) Well I'm  not working and I don't want it to be going all onto the stepfather as she is still my child. Does that sound wrong?

Also what about things like getting hair done, I colour my hair, I started going grey at 16. Other women things like nails done, he is supporting me with smokes, DAM WISH I COULD QUIT, supports with drinks yeap have to quit that too. But he is supporting me in so many ways that I do feel guilty and that it is such a burden on him.

It SUCKS!

You take care too

[ci]

Hi durras 

I'm hopefully off to uni for a community service course will take a year full time. Hopefully I'm going to be well enough. My husband was all for it but the last month been a rough one so he's thinking I should wait till I'm better. 

I understand what you saying about being a burden I would feel  the same as you but as others have said it's easier to give the advice not so easy to do it. Your husband obviously loves you and your daughter it would make him happy to be able to take the financial pressure to give you the chance to do this as I'm sure if the role was reversed you would do for him.

I always worry about being a burden just the other day at a kids party a friend made a comment about me sending my husband to work while I stay home we run a business together and I don't physically work with him but do all the admin from home with our kids it's not easy to work around kids and not be out in the world! bugs me that people think I don't work it's more work than people realize. 

The stuff I printed for my husband to read was off other sites people's stories that had been used for research and stuff. 

Please don't feel like a burden look at it this way if it helps it's only for a short while and after doing the course I'm assuming that you will be in better position to get better job with better pay and you can spoil your husband to say thanks

[Durras]

Hi ci and thank you for your response,

Please don't listen to what those people are saying about your husband working and  you staying home. Doing the bookwork the admin is a massive part for the business to be successful without it the business would collapse just as much as if your husband do his part properly out their while working. By the sounds of it this works well for both of you, thou understandably it would be tiring working around kids too. How old are they? I was thinking if they are little then maybe you could let them watch TV for a little, lay with them and relax, or if older then I always set my daughter tasks such as something with her homework, or let her play outside for 30-45min while I have a bath.

I'm currently feeling accepting of it as it is only a month and yeah look forward to finishing it and finding work again especially into the field that I know I will enjoy. Pinching myself that I didn't carry on with it here in Australia but then I felt it was important to be home for my girl especially with no family support around.

I wish you all the best with your studies, if you need to vent please let me know and I will listen and help if I can. I did a certificate 2 in community services and really enjoyed it. I think maybe just do it (this is my thoughts only) if you put if off then when can you start it at a later date, next year.

You have so much support from here, everyone on here is so wonderful and supportive and you always have the phone line 24/7 also like you said it is  something for you. I don't want to sound like I am pushing you into a decision nor am I honestly saying do it, the decision has to be yours.

I think too once you decide yes I am sure your husband will also be a wonderful support for you as he is already.

I wish you all the best and hope to keep hearing from you with how your doing.

Big Hug to you ci

Durras

[ci]

Thanks durras

Thank-you for your kind words. Didn't mean to make my post about me just wanted you to know your not alone with your battles.

My kids are getting big one left at   home  then all at school in a year so plan was to do course pm went last one heads off to school I can get my own job on top of the business

Glad you found support here me to

[hope4joy]

Hi Durras,

i'm glad you're feeling more hopeful! Its great that you have upcoming studies and also have got support via meds and a psychologist. I'm in a similar boat with just starting meds (tomorrow morning!) for depression and will also resume and increase my counselling for a bit while i need some extra help. i started studying last year so that will start up again in feb. anyhow just wanted to pop in to say hi and thanks for the update.

kind wishes, Christina 🙂

[Durras]

Hi Christina,

How are you finding your meds. My doctor has put me on other meds for bipolar to help calm down my racing mind, it is like a constant roller coaster and I have found they have helped. He also said that he wants me to go back onto my other meds in the near future.

I meet my psychologist for the first time on 3rd Feb with my first appointment, she sounded really lovely on the phone but still feeling nervous. It is so easy to talk to everyone here on BB but face to face, where do you start? my other thought is how do you build on it and open up with it?

I start my nursing course on 8th Feb and my free online course with Mind spot on 1st Feb. I was going to tell you about that before but I forgot, it is an Australian and it is free. Look it up they do free assessments and courses.

I will be away from this Sat till next Sat but I will probably pop back on after Australia day.

Christina wishing you all the best and take care, talk again soon.

Durras (Carol)

[White_Rose]

Hello Carol

Sorry it has been a while since I wrote to you. Had an unexpected couple of days in hospital and just got home. Had some breathing problems.

You sound so positive with your plans and acceptance of your situation. Going back to study can be a little nerve wracking but when you are doing something you enjoy it makes it so much easier. Have fun.

It's great that your husband is getting to understand about mental illness. This makes life a little easier for you to know he is not going to get impatient when you get down. I live on my own and the biggest problem I have is that there is no one to talk to when I slip backwards. I know there are many people who have a partner and are unable to talk to the partner about their mental health issues. I often hear it described as walking on eggshells.

For me, it's having no one to talk to in a general way about life etc. Still, I believe it's probably better than living with emotional abuse.

It's always great to know the people who write here are getting on with their lives and finding ways to improve their quality of life. And that's the whole point of life anyway.  Great stuff, Carol.

Mary