GUILTY AS CHARGED!!!

[Emily_Grace]

This is the first time for me so please excuse any mistakes or even if I have the wrong forum.

I have suffered deep depression and high anxiety for over 60 years (completely hidden for over 45 of them), and I don't think I have ever been so down as I am at the moment. This is just all too hard for me to deal with.

I have just had to admit my husband to a nursing home as I could not deal with the stress of his illness anymore. He has Parkinson's disease and, as he aged, the more it progressed. I promised him years ago that I would look after him until the day he died but, unfortunately, I have had to break that promise. Now I live with the extreme guilt of that decision.

It just breaks my heart to visit him and tell him he can't come home. It has been four weeks now and the pain is still there and nothing I do will make it stop. My brain is racing with all the thoughts that come with the fact that I have let him down.

Everybody keeps telling me I have done the right thing and I have to think about my own health. That is cold comfort when he was the very person who was there for me through many suicide attempts. I couldn't even do that right as I stuffed them all up and alienated my children who just could not handle a mentally ill mother. I still deeply love each one of them, but the mother child relationship is broken and I don't know how to fix that.

At first, my anxiety took over and I was too hyper to be depressed, but I knew it was there. The blackness was still underneath me awaiting my fall. When I did crash, bed was my only comfort and, most days, that is where you will find me living on powdered milk and apples.

I am not a suicide risk at the moment as my husband needs me and I think I have to live to keep punishing myself for what I have done.

Oh, will the pain from my actions ever stop? This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with and I know he would never have done this to me. He is a beautiful, gentle man who deserves better.

Thanks for listening.

[MarkJT]

Emily, very sorry to hear of your battles that you have doing on. That is a whole lot going on. Very well done on posting your thoughts, that what is what the forums are for.

I want you to stop, take a breath and slow things down. I want you to learn how to breath. This may sound pretty silly but you need to learn to regulate your breathing. Big slow deep breathes in through the nose and slowly out through the mouth. Put a hand on your chest and a hand on your tummy. You need to tummy breath to get your diaphragm working, this is a super effective way to chill yourself out and lower anxiety.

Now as much as you may not want to hear this, i am joining your chorus of friends that say you have done the right thing with your husband. I will give you an example why, I am a member of Victoria Police and some of the most fearful sprays I have given are to young Constables who have gone against what i directed and therefore put either ourselves or others in danger. The moral of this story is, i or my partner are of no assistance to the people that need us if we are hurt on the way there. Your health is priority number 1, you cannot effectively help people nor try and create a new relationship with your kids if your health is no good. Life is tough, it wasn't meant to be easy so things get thrown in front of us that changes the course of our lives. Yes you have had to break a promise but you are fully justified in doing so.

Do you know about mindfulness? It is a brilliant way of grounding yourself and settling down anxiety. I practice mindfulness every day, one way or another. The more you practice it, the better you get at it. Had worked for me on numerous occasions and also really good for when you are in deep depressive moods.

See this link for all the forums posts on this subject: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/general/search-results?keywords=mindfulness&page=1

Never forget either that if you want to chat to someone, please ring the beyondblue helpline on 1300 22 4636.

I know that you said you are not suicidal at the moment, "at the moment" is concerning but make no mistake, you are wanted, you are loved and your presence on this earth is required. You can smile again, you can live again. Do the small things right, i love that saying. If you do the small things right, you will be okay. Get some exercise - do some walking, practice mindfulness, eat good food. Get yourself right and then you can work solidly on other aspects of your life.

Regards

Mark.

[Wandercharm]

Hi Emily,

I'm sorry you are suffering, and enduring this trauma in your life. You are patently a deeply caring and conscientious person. The kind of person I'm glad to be cohabiting the world with.

Like Mark I recommend the benefits of mindfulness and deep breathing. It helps to take that step back from the pain and think a little clearer. Maybe it will help you to see that you've made the best decision you can. It sounds like you have taken a necessary and logical action, despite any pain it causes. Please remember you were never meant to be perfect. Being beautiful is enough, and your love for you husband is only one beautiful thing about you.

Although I think my relationship with my children is good, it isn't 'normal' and I have had to make tough decisions regarding my ability to parent them in person, in order to look after myself. To talk of it brings a lump to my throat, and has taken a couple of years to become manageable, but is more evidence that the pain is not eternally all-consuming . I try to not blame myself for regrets I have about circumstances (and mental illness) being beyond my control. Like you, I am only beautiful, not perfect. 😛

Wandercharm.

[geoff]

dear Emily, this is truly a heartbreaking post one which could affect any one of us in the future, and the promises we had made to that particular person maybe broken, not by choice but by necessity, but your love for your husband will always be there, no matter what.
For you to suffer for 60 years from depression and anxiety has been way too long, but I suspect that in those early years it wasn't something where people tried to get help as it is for today, as it was regarded as taboo, oh how wrong that was to treat people in this manner, because you had nowhere to turn to, and felt guilty even trying to find a professional who may have been able to help you, so it's been an enormous struggle for you and your husband.
We can never predict what will happen long term, but all we want is to wish that our dreams do come true, but that's a promise we may not be able to keep, because different circumstances change or they may inhibit us from keeping that promise, so it's not your fault that this has happened.
My wife told me a long time ago and promised me with her young lovely eyes that she would always look after me no matter what, well that promise she had to break because we are now divorced, although she still vows that she would if something happened to me.
For you there shouldn't be any guilt because you are now giving your husband the best care he can get, much more than you would be capable of doing, even though the love for him is still there, because all those difficult everyday chores you had to do for him and are now unable to do so, the nursing home will just take that roll over for you, but the love still remains.
He would understand that it was getting very difficult for you and must have felt a bit of frustration and would know that is was getting very hard to do them.
I don't think that you have let him down, you feel as though you have, but he would understand that something had to be done, even though he may or may not have mentioned it to you, but would realise that living at home was now a forgone conclusion.
I haven't enough room to talk about your children, which I'm just so sorry for, but will do after you may reply to us. L Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

Dear Emily

Hello and welcome. It's been hard for you to write in here, I can see that. Making hard choices is what we are often called on to do in life and by the the very nature of the decision causes us grief and pain. I had a psychologist once who used to tell me to "listen to your body". For a long time I had difficulty in doing this and sometimes even understanding what he meant. Just lately I have made decisions of enormous difficulty for me. So how do we do this?

For me it was a process of pros and cons, but I also talked to some wise and trusted people in my life. Not to ask them what I should do but to allow me to bounce reasons off them. I talked about my reasons and possible consequences and gradually came to a conclusion. As I talked the decision became more clear. Listening to my body was the final test. That doesn't mean I feel good about it. I still feel guilty, just as you are feeling guilty. I know I will continue to question my choice and wonder if there was a better solution, but underneath it all I do know I am doing the best I can and the right action.

When you were thinking about what to do I expect you talked to various people about the best option. Probably medical people explained how your husband would be better cared for, friends explained how you would regain your health. No one tossed around options or your feelings. I suspect this also contributed to your depression and the way you now feel. Although the decision has been made you can still work your feelings and the reasons you took this step. I think, using myself as a guide, you will find this will help you and to some extent mitigate your grief and self-blame.

I had to smile a little about your diet of powdered milk and apples. It reminded me of when my depression was very bad and I lived on one cheese sandwich a day. I only ate this because I thought I may faint or something if I didn't eat something. Just shows how our thought processes can get messed up.

So how can you talk about your husband and be sure you made the right decision. One way is to chat with your GP, depending on your relationship with him/her. Tell your GP you only want to talk your husband, not agonize over your decision. Your GP may suggest grief counselling because what you are experiencing is a huge amount of grief and loss. I believe this would be beneficial for you. Just talking about the life you and your husband experienced and the joys and sorrows. Out of word count, please reply.

Mary

[Emily_Grace]

Hi Mark, Thank you for your kindness in replying to my posting. It means a lot to know someone cares.

I did a course on "mindfulness" the last time I was in hospital but was always too anxiety ridden to master it.

I have just been sitting here thinking about that with a new perspective. Maybe it was a "control" issue and, as ever the perfectionist, I tried too hard and had to do it 120%. In doing that, I defeated any chance of using it.

Shall give it another try.

Thanks very much.

Emily Grace.

[Emily_Grace]

Thanks for your reply Wandercharm.

It helps me to know that other people with mental illness have issues with their children. I keep blaming myself, but I really couldn't help being "me" and I gave them every bit of the "me" I had at the time.

Your thoughts are a great help to me.

Emily Grace

[Emily_Grace]

Thank you Geoff,

Yes, there was a very real stigma about mental illness many years ago and, sometimes, I am not sure if it has really changed.

Thankfully, early diagnosis has saved many people going down the route that I went but I sometimes wonder if, as a society, have we really changed. Judging by some of the taxi drivers' comments when they drop me off or pick me up at the "psychiatric" hospital, we have a way to go.

Thank you so much for caring.

Emily Grace.

[Emily_Grace]

Hi White Rose, Thank you also for replying to me.

I think the biggest problem I have is letting not only my husband down but also myself. I always think I can overcome every obstacle life throws at me and I do but with huge costs to my own health in the aftermath. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it?

Your choice of cheese sandwiches makes me smile also (and that is pretty hard to do these days) because, during one pregnancy, all I lived on was beetroot sandwiches. Had to be at 11am every day also but they kept me going.

Again, I thank all of you for being so kind to me with words of encouragement. I am going to print them all out and read them often to absorb their content.

Emily Grace.

[MarkJT]

Emily, yes definitely give mindfulness another go. I understand what you are saying because i used to be a perfectionist and always catastrophised as well. I have learnt to settle my racing brain when it starts to go into spin cycle and if i make a mistake then that is okay. If i dont master a new type of mindfulness I am trying, then that is okay. I will come back again tomorrow and try again.

I am sensing a swing in your mood here. It is more upbeat which is super awesome.

I read a passage today, "A toddler falls over 100's of times before mastering walking, it never occurs to he/she to give up". Same can be said for us with mental health battles. The more we fall down, the more opportunities are presented to work out where we went wrong and to make small adjustments so we don't make the same mistakes.

Keep going, you are going so well by the look of it.

Cheers

Mark.