Going through a difficult time

[HopeDream]

Lately, I've been feeling like nothing really matters, like there is no point to keep going. It might sound cliché but it's the best way I can express it. I'm constantly irritable and numb, and everything feels like an effort. I have trouble falling asleep at night even though I'm tired. My interactions with others feel empty and I don't feel like myself. And the worst part is that I don't know who I can talk to about this, because I don't know who will understand. I can't talk to my parents about this, because they'll just tell me to get over myself, that other people have it worse. I don't know if my mum even cares about how I feel, because we barely talk and she acts like I'm a burden whenever I show my emotions. I can't talk to my dad about it because I've tried before and it only ended up in me feeling worse about my situation. And I don't feel like I can seek professional help because I don't even know what I'd say. I just know that I feel frustrated and angry all the time and I don't know why. It's like I have everything I could ever need, but it feels like I have nothing. 

I miss feeling loved. I miss being able to laugh, like genuinely laugh. I miss feeling things. I miss doing things because I enjoy them, not because they distract me from my thoughts. I miss sleeping peacefully. I miss feeling like a good person to be around. I miss seeing the world in colour. I miss being able to smile, like actually smile. I miss not feeling like a burden on others. And I just wish that one day, I'll be able to actually live, not just survive. 

[Sophie_M]

Dear HopeDream
 
We want to thank you for having the courage to post this evening, we are a helpful and supportive community here and welcome you to the forum.
 
We can hear that you are in a dark place right now and unable to talk to your parents; it’s scary reaching out with that fear nobody will understand or minimize what you are going through.  Remember no matter what other people are going through or how bad that is, is does not minimize what you are going through; your feelings are valid. 
 
You mention you don’t feel comfortable seeking professional help but please know we are here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our webchat.  Our lovely counsellors who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
A few more options are KidsHelpline on 1800 55 1800, Lifeline on 13 11 44, and Headspace on 1800 650 890. All of these options are also available through webchat, if you'd prefer:
 

• Beyond Blue 
• Kids Helpline 
• Lifeline 
• Headspace (9am-1am AEST) 

 
It’s good to talk and we know that it can be incredibly difficult to share our story, so we want to say thank you for showing such courage in posting and sharing that experience - you never know who will read this post and feel less alone on their own journey as also for you too.  We’re sure we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon.
 
Regards
 
Sophie M
 

[HopeDream]

Hello Sophie,

Thank you for responding to my post, I really appreciate it. 🙂 I mostly just needed to let out what was going through my mind this evening because I was feeling very overwhelmed. And I will definitely consider calling those helplines/using the webchat.

Thank you again. 

- HopeDream

[sbella02]

HopeDream,

Thank you for your openness in your post, and a warm welcome to our forums.

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I hear you. My own experience of feeling like my interactions with others are empty, or not feeling like myself, becoming easily irritated and not being able to enjoy myself in situations where I ordinarily would've. It can feel so frustrating and upsetting. Sometimes, even if we seem like we're physically comfortable or have an abundance of material possessions, it's our mind that can make us feel empty and alone. And just like our physical selves, our minds must be nurtured and cared for as well, and reaching out on our forums marks an important first step to achieving this. 

As Sophie_M has suggested, there are several places online that you can reach out to, if you're feeling overwhelmed with the idea of seeking professional help. I would also like to offer my own advice for some short-term strategies that I've used that have helped me when I'm at a low point.

Do you have any hobbies or passions that you love engaging in? Hobbies and passions are like food for the soul - they can divert our attention from situations or events that may be causing us distress, and allow our minds to consolidate some of our more difficult feelings. Creative pursuits like art especially can give us a goal to work towards, allowing us to experience the joy that comes with accomplishing something special that we can take pride in.

I know that sometimes when we're feeling low, it can be difficult to engage in tasks like this that require focus, and that's okay too. Even something like meditation, where our minds are allowed to disengage, can be really helpful. I listen to a lot of ASMR on YouTube too, as this can have a very calming effect on a distressed mind. 

I hope you can find some helpful advice in this post. Please feel free to continue chatting with us if you need, we're here to support you. 

All the best SB

[HopeDream]

Hello SB,

Thank you very much for responding, I really appreciate it. It is a bit difficult because sometimes I’m too tired to do anything, but I’ll definitely consider doing the things you mentioned if I am able to.

Thank you again.

- HopeDream

[HopeDream]

Recently, I've been unable to interact normally with friends and family, and as a result I've been withdrawing from all social situations. The hardest part is that I do want to spend time with friends and family, but I just don't have the energy to. I always feel like a burden on other people, like my presence brings a certain dark mood with it. I feel guilty especially because I have a younger sister who I haven't been able to talk to recently due to my feelings of depression. And I don't know why I feel depressed because there's nothing going wrong in my life right now; I have friends at university, I'm studying a degree I find interesting and my family is generally supportive of my endeavours. It's like I have everything I could ever want but my brain is still not satisfied. And sometimes I'm wondering why I can't just get a grip because I don't really have a reason to be depressed.

I'm just so, so tired all the time. It's like I'm reliving the same nightmare over and over again everyday, but it's not so easy for others to understand when you have a mental illness. If you have a physical illness, everyone can clearly see your suffering, so they can easily show sympathy. But with mental illness, it's different. People can't see the pain, so they often assume that it's all just in your head, that you can just snap out of it, or that you're just attention-seeking. That is probably one of the most frustrating things of all, because mental illness is worse in the sense that it ruins everything: your relationships, your view on life, your view on yourself. And I wish I could see the way out, but it's really hard sometimes. I've considered getting therapy but I don't have the funds to make it an ongoing presence in my life. So I'm just constantly stuck in a state of frustration, anger and numbness, and I don't know what to do about it. In fact, I have university exams coming up, but even though they're stressing me out, I don't have the energy to study for them. And I'm worried about failing my exams, because I don't know what the future would look like if I failed any of them, but I still can't bring myself to study. I just can't function normally anymore and I wish I knew how to fix things but I don't. 

[Sophie_M]

Dear HopeDream
 
Thank you for posting this evening and sharing your experience of mental illness and the impact this is having on you, your relationships, and your view on life.
 
Sometimes there is too much pressure on us to have everything under control, for example, happy relationships, good friendships, staying on top of studies, keeping up with work and when things start to become overwhelming, the stress can throw you out of sorts.  In addition, managing these stressors alongside mental illness can become all too consuming and so your frustration, anger and numbness is completely understandable.
 
While we would encourage you to speak to your GP as a first step to rule out any other underlying health issues, it’s important to remember that it’s not realistic to be happy all of the time.  In saying that, when those moments do come along, you might find it helpful to practice that self-care, self-compassion and gratitude and we have included some resources below whilst you wait for a response on your thread:
 

• a great resource so some self-care planning Click Here
• This link has some helpful free resources for self-compassion exercises Click Here

 
As you know HopeDream, if you ever need to talk or chat, we are always here for you, just contact our trained counsellors on 1300 22 4636 or via WebChat.  We’re sure we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon.  
 
Please be kind to yourself and thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards
 
Sophie M

[Petal22]

Hi HopeDream,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

I understand it’s hard, as Sophie has mentioned you could see your gp and discuss how you are feeling and how it’s affecting your life.

Depression can effect anyone and it doesn’t matter who you are.

I understand that you don’t know how to fix things and that’s ok sometimes we don’t, like any medical issue we can’t fix ourselves sometimes. But that’s what our health professionals are for.

I really don’t know where I’d be today with out the help of health professionals.

Please consider seeing your gp if you want to.

[Amanda2000]

Hi HopeDream,

I'm with you totally. You've described exactly the way I'm feeling. I've been practising every self-care trick in the book but some days I just feel so trapped in this life. It's like an endurance exercise getting through the day, but still constantly running late. I cannot find the calmness within myself to relax and unwind. I cannot concentrate on anything - whether it's work or trying to watch tv.

Here's a virtual hug. Emotional support.

[Croix]

Dear HopeDream,

You sound as if life is particularly difficult for you at the moment, and maybe made worse because it's not possible to talk about it with your parents and get support. Like many, myself included, it has seemed just to hard to go to a doctor and say what is happening and how you feel.

I can well understand and worried that in a fact to face situation I might dry up, get confused or not paint a clear picture. I did eventually get around this by taking a few days to write down how I felt and what was happening in my life.  I then had an extended appointment and just shared the paper.

This worked out pretty good. I'd plenty of time to set down everything (much as you have done in your posts) and in the consultation basically just answered questions to clarify what I'd written.

Actually when it was all down on paper it came to be more than I'd expected.

The reason I'm talking about this is I could not seem to improve by myself and only started to get better when I had decent medical help.

For people to feel down there does not have to be anything very wrong with their lives, sometimes it just happens. I do know you have exams on the horizon, and if you are unable to do the study, rather than just trying while you are not at your best could you seek an extension or deferment? (Another reason to see a doctor)

Please let me know what you think

Croix