Glass Walls

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi all, 

The old thread was getting a bit long, so I thought time to start a new. 

I thought the same with this weekend - I did my new patterns of blue and purple, wore the beautiful black and gold dress. I went to the convention I normally go to in costume. Just for one day, not in costume. It is the first time since my separation from the ex, whom I went in cosplay with. It is the first time catching up with people who I haven't seen since the break up. 

Or I thought I would.  I went and shopped a very little as I have big bills this week. I took the anti anxiety meds, tried to squash the shakes and  held up the mask for the kids. The feeling wasn't good though. I tried talking to a few friends in the costume community I bumped into but it was like they didn't even know me. They soon made excuses and left. I know its busy, they see lots of people and there are so many crowds, but it felt like they just barely recognised me, and when they did they couldn't wait to leave. 

I looked around, and it felt like I was surrounded by glass walls. Like now that everyone on my friends list knows about my depression, how bad it got, etc they don't want to know me. I asked how they were, I didn't bring it up.

I just feel dejected, and lonely, like I have no friends in the world. Like they don't care. I am irritable and not good around the kids, so I am hiding in my doona listening to a podcast. I'm really alone in this now aren't I? I say I keep going for my cats, for my little Elsa.

I hold on to the thought of watching her grow up, because  I can find no other reasons to stay.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil. She had her sleep sorted and we hashed out crisis plans for the both of us, within the relationship. She a lax shoulder and it has dislocated 4 times in two weeks, two of those times when I got home Sunday, and then very early at 3am on Tues. So I stepped out of respite and into chaos. I have put everything including uni aside to be there for her. I hafe driven and waited in hospitals, keeping her calm and advocating for her when she couldn't. I don't regret it but I am somewhat exhausted. She is on an ortho ward which will relocate the shoulder and maybe operate to fix the problem. I have the night at home to myself and I just want to curl up into a ball and collapse. As for my limbs, still on crutches but knee is no better. Was meant to pick up the cats yesterday, then today and now I dont know if I have the energy. I just feel so flat and deflated. I want to cry and i dont know why. GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

I can see why you want to cry.   As you’ve described, for you, it’s been nothing short of chaos since you left respite care.

That is you on the go almost all of the time – with no (or hardly any) downtime.   And yes, I know you are doing this because of your gf and that is an awesome thing, but if you keep on like this, you’ll come crashing down as well, which won’t be good for either of you.

I think the key thing for you in the next little while is to get your batteries recharged;   even just a reasonable night’s sleep will help massively.  And THEN go get those cute little furry balls of joy – they’ll be missing you and you’ll be sure missing them.  Spend some time with them and enjoy them for the wonderful companions they are.  I know spending some time each evening with our ‘now’ two dogs really lifts my spirits, so I hope it does the same for you too.

Ps:  have you jazzed up your crutches yet?

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, I haven't jazzed up my crutches, but I discovered that pimp my crutches is an actual website. The shoulder was popped back in and I picked her up later that night. On friday morning, despite wearing her sling it dislocated again. So hours in emergency, a night in emergency for and a night at home for me later it is still dislocated but I have been with her all day on an ortho ward. The surgeons are discussing options. Not sure if surgery would help, but we are willing to try anything. She can't get a career and be a nurse with a shoulder like this. More importantly, her mental health is deteriorating with every dislocation and hospital visit. She was needing some time respite before this started. If they relocate and send her home, with no plan for future treatment, then we have agreed to for her to go into respite, or maybe a mental ward if it is very bad. I have been trying to take time out, going for drives, speaking to my workers, but I am still on edge. I have upped my medication. I worry about uni and catching up which I was planning to to do this weekend, but chaos is still happening.  Not sure what to do, but all the sleep in the world would not fix my exhaustion right now. I am waiting for news on the doctors decision, if it is surgery, if they'll just relocate, or if there are other options. She needs my support right now. I habe asked to stay with her in the hospital overnight, and they said I could stay late but not overnight. I am worried for her mental state. I did pick up my cats in the middle of it, and theyare settling in at home, yet to introduce them to the dogs but they like our room and their cat tree back.

[Neil_1]

Hi there GA

Wow, this is sure a battle for you, and even more for your gf.

I guess you’ve just got to do exactly what you can do and what you feel is right – but at the same time, you’ve got to make sure that you look after yourself, because in this current format, I can see you becoming so worn out that you could end up falling big time also.

Please take care of how you’re travelling.

Ps:  good to hear the cats are with you.

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi All,

 It has been a while since i posted, so I will start a new thread and put the update in there.

 GA