Getting things of my chest

[-Fisho-]

Ok,So, I'm new to this forum and just trying different things to help me understand things more about myself. I really just want to dive into things and avoid too much back story, but I feel in any case this is going to be a long post. I have a huge list of things that I feel needs to be attended to, but one that has impacted me the most lately has been a huge struggle in concentration, focus and memory. I don't know why or what exactly is the main cause but it is seriously frustrating for me. It lost me jobs in the past, it makes it finding employment in general near impossible. I stutter my word, have trouble thinking on the spot and blank out frequently in conversation and even at times forget what I was talking about mid sentence. Which makes almost every social encounter or interview stressful and strenuous, as I try to avoid coming of like a complete idiot. I thought it may have been caused by depression, as I have heard memory fog and fatigue is a common symptom for depression/Anxiety and stress. Which I have been diagnosed with in the past.

This year I made a huge effort to try and overcome my depression. Spent more time with friends and going to gym almost every day. However, I still feel fatigued, lazy and dumb. I still feel mindless and I can't seem to change that. I still struggle with forcing myself to think and remember things. I don't feel as bad as I have in the past, in fact I felt like my depression was almost completely gone. I still have breakdowns like once a month. But the days in between I feel happier. But, I feel like this lack in concentration is going to be what buries me again.

It's hard to explain how I feel, it's like I'm always tired but I get plenty of sleep. It's like my brain just doesn't think any knowledge is important enough to store. My mind is always foggy, I'm constantly catching myself spacing out and having to re-adjust my focus only to lose it again. It's just like my brain is switched off, it doesn't want to work no matter what I do. I've tried reading books, watching documentaries.. and I end up giving up because I get half way through and can rarely recall any of it. It's so annoying, and has such a huge impact on me in every aspect of my life. Both work related and socially. I live in an irrational fear of coming of dumb or an idiot to everyone I meet...

I'll need to continue this in the comments..

[JessF]

Hello Fisho, it sounds like you have a lot to say. Those physical symptoms sound worrying, and you don't mention seeing a doctor anywhere in your post. Have you been to see anyone about this?

It's good that you have been able to focus long enough to post, what you have written reads well and doesn't sound like the "idiot" that you fear you are coming across as to others. Hope you will post again soon and let us know more.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi -Fisho-

Just wanted to check in and see how you were going.

It sounds like the concentration, focus and memory can be quite a struggle for you. I struggle with depression and anxiety as well as a neurological condition as well so I am quite familiar with memory and concentration issues!

Have you spoken to a GP about this just to make sure that there are no other reasons for why you might be feeling this way? It's worth noting to that some medications can have an impact on this so that might be worth asking or looking into if you haven't already (or are on medication).

What sort of strategies do you have in place to help with concentration and memory? Are there certain things you struggle with more?

I personally have had to implement lots of little things to help some of which include having lists, diaries, writing things down, task management apps, etc. Implementing these has been a struggle but I have found it to be very helpful.

Feel free to post again and let us know how things are going or how we can help.

[-Fisho-]

I have been to seen numerous doctors, explained my condition and all of them didn't think it was worth resolving. I've had blood tests done and they all showed up good. Medically I seem fine, I've asked about medication to boost my focus but they don't feel like it's necessary. That and they all seem to agree it's linked to depression or stress in some way or another. I have seen a Psychologist in the past 3 years or so, and he felt like it was a lack of vital nutrition causing me to feel this way... and only recently recommended Neurotherapy which I wish he told me about sooner. As I'm currently unemployed and to trial the treatment it becomes a very expensive method... Not to mention it's an hour drive from my town and is an on going treatment for roughly 9 months.. Which the drive isn't the worst thing for me, I'm willing to make the drive and dedicate time out of my week or weekend to be able to try Neurotherapy. But unfortunately, it's out of my price range.

Plus, I appreciate the comment about how you feel I'm not as stupid as I say I am due to the way I type. But, it's only very basic writing. I don't want to mask myself anymore, I have trouble concentrating, thinking, remembering stuff ... I have the trait of a stupid person. Maybe I could word it better than calling myself stupid or an idiot. But, how I say it doesn't change anything.

[-Fisho-]

I do often take notes as reminders. But I feel that's just mitigating one problem, and sometimes I find when I used to work. I wouldn't have time to take notes or write stuff out as I worked. It often became a very inconvenient way of doing things. But yeah, I'm not going to lie it definitely helped. As to concentration though, I don't have any strategies in place. My brain just has days where it doesn't want to think. I don't know what I can even do about that. Like even having breaks between periods of high concentration won't have any effect. Because I just always feel fatigued or the thought of forcefully concentrates becomes almost stressful. If that even makes sense.

By the way, I was on medication a while a go but not any more. I felt it did nothing for me, and if anything only made my thinking even worse.. Which is kind of funny in a way, that the side effect of the medication for depression was actually the main thing causing my depression.

[-Fisho-]

I've had more time to think and elaborate on what I believe may have started this lack in focus.

One thing that comes to mind every time I talk about this is when I first left school around 5 years ago. I got onto a big construction job, I would work 12 hours a day, with an hour and a bit for travel to and from. I was working 13-1roster for 2 years and it was fine. But I developed a lot of depression since being over there. I noticed I had no time for myself and I would feel depressed almost everyday. It would continue on until about the last year of my contract. My mentality changed, I became exhausted. I lost interest in a lot of my hobbies, I would have 2-3 maybe even 4 days off work every week - and the days I did go to work I hated it.. it was boring and just a toxic place... I would have old bills coming in and I wouldn't make an effort to cancel them. I didn't care about the decrease payslips. I don't know what happen to this day.. I just gave up. I feel like that could have a huge connection to what I am experience.. I feel like my body trained itself to avoid stressful situations, and I truly haven't been myself since that part of my life.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi -Fisho-

Thanks for getting back to us.

It sounds like there might be a lot going on that's contributing to all this brain fog and struggles with concentration and memory. Have you talked to your psychologist about the job and how it affected you? It sounds like even though the job brought in money it might have caused a lot of stress that's still affecting you to this day.

I can imagine that it must be frustrating trying to deal with all these focus, concentration and memory issues as they seem to impact your life quite a bit. Part of me wonders whether it's worth seeing a neuropsychologist; I've seen one before and they can help look at all aspects of your cognitive functioning and look at how that compares to people of your age (and what's "normal"). This may help really see whether it's just the depression that's affecting you or if there could be something else you can do to help. They are in the public system too so unlikely to cost too much if you want to try this.

I personally think a bit part of what's going on has got to do with the way you treat and talk about yourself. Calling yourself an idiot and stupid is not just cruel, but also maybe making the depression worse. Someone who is stupid or an idiot is not just someone who lacks intelligence, but is generally a person who makes bad decisions or choices knowing the consequences - like driving drunk for instance. Spacing out or feeling like your brain doesn't want to think is none of those things. I struggle with that a lot and I don't think I'm stupid. I'm not sure why that would be any different with you.