Functional Depression: New brand same fresh hell

[Qtpye3_16]

I just need to vent somewhere and figured I'd finally use one of the 500 cop out websites we get given every "mental health awareness" day.

I'm honestly sick of being depressed. I've been on and off depressed since I was 13. But being depressed in my 30s feels like a new demon. Like I did my time and I know it never gets away but God I'm tired of this surely the relief kicks in soon?

I've worked very hard to make a relatively stable life for myself. I have a government job where I assist people in dark places, it's incredibly stressful but the pay is good and I've come further than any member of my family. I have a good circle of friends and nothing overly dramatically bad is happening apart from the vicarious trauma and constant stress from my job. So I don't really have any good reason to feel so grey every day.

And I think that's why this brand of depression feels different. It's like I'm not particularly sad all the time... It's just that everything is hard. I'm always tired. I can never keep up. The smallest bit of exercise is exhausting. I'm crying for no reason and I have to mimic connection with my friends because I feel absolutely nothing. I'm trying to keep my weight down which is exceptionally hard because I'm always hungry and struggle to cook.

Im also angry about everything all the time. I punch my steering wheel for stress relief and rage seems to fly out of no where followed closely by sobbing for what feels like absolutely no reason. I feel like I'm out of my mind most of the time.

Social anxiety has been replaced by having absolutely no interest in other people that aren't my clients. Even my co-workers. I feel like I'm constantly on some kind of out of office automated answerer. "Yes I did have a lovely weekend Martha you?"

I feel like I'm just existing outside of my body watching myself going through the motions. Everything I do is hard and I'm pushing myself just to get up in the morning. Things are so much harder then they should be. But I can't lose appearances because I have to keep up this charade so I don't lose my job or my friends or the things in life I worked so hard for.

And if I really told people on R U Ok Day "hey actually I'm not ok"

And I know it's episodal and it will go away and I'll wake up and feel like I slept through the last 6 months but just does anyone understand this?

[41singleBNE]

Hi Qtpye3.16,

I am sorry you’re experiencing this type of depression but I would like to hopefully reassure you that it isn’t unique.

Many, many people suffer through the daily grind in what you term as “functional depression”. I really like this description as it truly is as it sounds. People with it probably don’t particularly like their job and put up with it for the pay cheque only. With jobs like this it’s very easy to become overwhelmed, which ends up robbing you of work/life balance. Live to work, and work to live if you will.

You mentioned that your line of work pays well, but it is stressful as your clientele are no doubt under considerable mental/psychological duress. Are you finding it hard to shut off at the end of your workday and the stress is staying with you?

You sound like a very hard worker but maybe it could be time for a break? Taking some time out where it’s just all about you, not them.

Thank you for reaching out to BB. I’ve only been a member for a short time but these forums have been very beneficial for me so I hope you settle in and become involved.

All the best 🙂

[Pollyroo]

Hi. Yes. This sounds almost exactly like me. I feel like I’m failing a lot of people around me - my kids, husband, parents, friends because I feel so disconnected.

I’m so tired all the time would like to exercise more but can’t even seem to commit to doing 1 minute of exercise a few times a day. It feels ridiculous. I’m so irritable and my patience wears very thin.

I’m sorry this doesn’t help but just wanted to know someone here is feeling the same. I’m turning 40 soon and really want to be in a different space in my head.

[geoff]

Hello Qtpye, 41singleBNE and Pollyroo, if you can google this 'Is It Possible to Have Functional Depression? - Verywell Mind' it's rather interesting.

If you succumb to depression, everything might be going along without much concern but this illness will grab anyone at any time no matter how your life is travelling.

Being the top CEO doesn't prevent you from getting this illness, it won't stop if you have an enormous salary, a huge house or if your family is doing well, if it knocks on your door, you can't stop it.

Please remember it's no fault of yours, but it's certainly treatable, starting with your doctor, but getting there may have its ups and downs as you begin to adjust, and I'm not qualified to make this comment, but personally know this is what can happen.

I know the pain of being alone and crying until there are no more tears and know how lonely this makes you feel, and when someone knocks on the door asking you if you are alright, you say yes.

This isn't what you need to say to your doctor, let them begin the help you need.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Teek]

Thank you for writing this, and to others on this thread who said similar things. You do get fed up with finding yourself back in this place again and again after pushing so hard to create what you think is a healthy enough life to avoid this horrible feeling. It is soul destroying. After years of this same battle I am truly feeling like maybe its just too hard to beat it. And yes - the exhaustion of constantly pretending, when really we are just totally not relating to anything or anyone on any level. Just going through the motions. How clever we are that we have got them all fooled!

[smallwolf]

Hello (everyone),

Yes we can fool "them' we are ok when we are not.

To live with something like this for such a long time is frustrating and heart breaking.

When people ask how I am, my reply is OK which is an honest as I can be. For some people I might elaborate. I think that if there are people you are comfortable to be around, to say that you are not OK is perfectly fine. (I am also unable to lie (?) about how I feel - this is, I won't say that I am good when I am not. My medication also stops me from getting too low.)

To come here and vent if that is what you need to do is fine - even if everyday.

I have been seeing a psych for a few years now and have worked out different ways of coping or managing. One of these is a walk up a mountain and then going down into a valley. Sometimes that valley goes down into a cave... eventually I have to make my way upwards again, but capped due to the medication.

It sucks.

[HamSolo01]

Qtpye3.16 first can I say that I know the sentiment when you say 500 websites we get given every mental health day. I had a small giggle and I wanted to say I know the sentiment.

many of the things you've touched on I can relate to .

[HamSolo01]

I should say too that I have felt that way for past 2-3 years during covid

Going from contract role to contract role..

I've taken time to focus on what I want to do in life this year. I'm 28. So I'm close in age I guess.

I hope you find some solace and know that many know how you feel