Frustrated

[TitanFlys]

I'm feeling very frustrated with my depression and anxiety at the moment.  I've done so much therapy and really sick of it and don't want to do it anymore because I would rather put that time into working on myself to heal from previous hurt/trauma etc.  I'm on an antidepressant which I don't think is doing much.  I seem to be just stuck in the same swinging pattern of burning out, falling in a heap, getting back up and repeating again however this time I'm stuck in the low longer than usual.   I'm supposed to be working on building my support network and friendships, but I feel like I really have no clue how to make friends.  I have lost a lot of self-confidence and feel socially awkward however I can put myself out there in a professional capacity but not personally.  I find this really strange. Not really sure where to go from here.  

[Croix]

Dear TitanFlys~

Welcome here to the Forum. It's a good move as if you look around I'm sure you will find others who have, or used to have, the same cycles. You may see how they coped.

I too have depression and anxiety conditions. I've had htem for a very long time and they have had ups and downs, semi-regularly. I could not improve myself, reading self help books, trying exercise and all the normal things to improve my state were not effective. 

I eventually tried clinical assistance, and to start of with this was no real help. medications either seemed to do nothing, or make me dopey. Therapy actually made things worse for a while, resurrecting memories I had put behind me. I'd come away from sessions upset, edgy or angry, and felt I was wasting everyone's time.

Fortunately this did not last, I eventually went with a psych who was flexible, tried medications until one finally clicked, did what it was supposed to in elevating my mood, or at least my coping skills and at the same time engaged me in talk therapy which basically discussed life as I was living it, with less emphasis on the past.

Came up with strategies when I was down and used my happier times to compile lists of things I enjoyed, so I had resources to look forward to when all seemed black.

I'm not sure how you can work on yourself, it's a phrase I've often heard, but do not really understand it. Maybe you can explain?  I worked with my psych, and he basically steered and came up wiht the ideas.

I've never been able to deliberately go out and establish friendships. I have found the  friends I've made have come about becuse I'm doing something that interest me - like volunteering for instance -  and while doing that  I'd very occasionally find a person I clicked with. With a common interest talk became natural.

I admit I was very lucky with choice of meds and therapist - and method of therapy. This came about becuse I was not content to remain where I felt at odds wiht the therapy, or derived little benefit from the medications.

May I suggest you talk to your clinicians and tell them their efforts have not been successful and ask what else is available, or failing that a second opinion.

While I'm not saying what happened to me happens to everyone - after all we are all different - I do think being proactive increases your chances of a more effective outcome -and a happier life.

What do you think?

Croix

[therising]

Hi TitanFlys

I feel for you so much, given the number of challenges you're facing. I think we can be facing what feels like some monumental challenge only to realise it's comprised of a whole stack of little challenges that are each quite significant. The fact that you're able to break so much down, to make greater sense of, is a good start.

Not sure if will be of any help but I found that the cycling is about cycling up. Btw, took me some decades to work that one out. It doesn't always feel like we're graduating (upwards) through cycles. It can more so at times feel like we're stuck in a never ending cycle, just going 'round and 'round in life. I find each challenging cycle is pushing me to come to know myself better, develop certain skills, uncover certain abilities, let go of certain beliefs, make sense of what's led me to the point I'm at etc etc. This can help explain the exhaustion aspect. It can be such incredibly hard work. Can be easier at times when I find my 'fast trackers', those who can help me gain a better understanding much faster than if I was trying to work it all out on my own. Do you feel your therapist is basing the therapy on one level of self understanding and self development but you want to go 'next level' which you get a sense will be more groundbreaking, while offering you the revelations you really need? 

I can relate to what Croix mentions when it comes to developing friendships. Being an introvert and a feeler, I should mention it's not always easy. I feel certain interactions through a combo of my mindset and nervous system. I agree it's more about finding things of interest and if the opportunity arises to develop friendships with others through that common interest, sometimes that can be easier. Sometimes there'll be someone in a shared interest group who says to everyone in the group 'Do you want to go for coffee?'. That's the cue. As I say, not always easy to do, go for that coffee. When inner dialogue's a natural challenge for us, the stresser in us or the critic in us can become so convincing, leading to missed opportunities. The inner stresser: 'What are you going to talk about? What if people find you boring? What if you can't manage the conversations? It's better if you just don't go' and so on. The inner critic: 'You're hopeless at small talk. They're not going to be interested in you. Don't even consider going'. I find better understanding and managing inner dialogue can present as a significant issue when it comes to graduating through challenging cycles in life. The dialogue or aspects of self that are going to raise us, as opposed to bringing us down or keeping us down, are well worth exploring. Coming to better know the self or what we individually call 'my self' is a life long exploration, with there always being something new to discover. 

As a gal who's developed a serious sense of wonder over the last handful of years, I've found it pays to wonder. A sense of wonder is how I manage my mental, physical and even soulful or natural sense of wellbeing. I can either reach the wrong conclusion, such as 'I'm broken and/or hopeless' or I can wonder why and how my mind is messing with my nervous system, what I'm feeling that's depressing and where I am at this point (including what's led me there). It pays to become a wonderful or wonder filled detective of sorts. You sound wonderful, wondering why you can put yourself out there in a professional capacity but struggle personally. Definitely something worth wondering about. Do you think it could involve how well educated we are through our work experience, and therefor confident, compared with a lack of a variety regarding education and practices in our social experiences? 'How and what to begin practicing, socially?' is the number one question. 

[TitanFlys]

Hi Croix,  thanks for your response.  What you said makes sense.  I saw my GP yesterday and he has come up with a new management plan.  Just going to have to give it time to see if it helps. 

[TitanFlys]

I love the 'wonder filled detective'.  I would be happy to try wondering more to see things from a different perspective that leads to a healthier way of thinking. My inner critic is the worst.  A change of therapist will be part of my new management plan where I'm hoping to get to the next level as I've gained so much self awareness but couldn't seem to move past that phase.   I'm definitely well educated through my work experience but have come to the realisation that I struggle to communication personally and sometimes make myself shrink so to speak.  This is something I will be looking at working on.