Frozen - stuck - just not in touch

[james1]

Hello, I apologise if this doesn't make much sense. I've not been posting much because I've been struggling to work out what I'm struggling with. And after a couple of weeks (or days? time passes in a funny way now), I'm half a step closer to figuring it out.

So I feel like I'm frozen in some sort of bubble. What I mean by that is nothing I do seems to affect anyone outside of me. I don't really work while at work, and no one seems to notice. I don't talk to friends, and they don't talk to me back. Even when I try to break the isolation a bit, it's like I'm not really reaching anybody. Even if I try to think about myself, I get stuck so I'm not even in touch with myself.

I am more venting than anything. I had a psychologist appointment on Saturday and we're now meeting twice a week. I shut down completely in my last appointment - involuntarily. My mind just wouldn't let me think or talk when we started getting close to something that must've been...hard. But the trouble is I don't actually remember what it was anymore. I know I need to keep going to each appointment and I genuinely look forward to them...but I'm quite tired now.

I've tried ways of grounding myself but they only help me feel connected to the physical environment. Not other people's minds and emotions, and I need that.

James

[james1]

Okay instant regret posting that second last paragraph. Kind of hating myself for it. Posted it because I couldn't understand why you keep replying to me, and wanted to push buttons but also not.

I feel I should be walking around with a post-it note that says, "do not trust this one, he lies and manipulates even when caught red handed".

Welcome to my pity party. Balloons and cake for all! 😄

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

I don't have a look-in when it comes to your motivations or thinking process, and that's okay because it's the same for everyone else. The only insight that I have is that of my own thinking. As for for everyone else? It's just guesswork.

Regardless of curiosity/pushing buttons/struggling/other or not, I generally have multiple reasons for replying.

If I'm addressed directly, I try hard to respond because I think, "hey, if someone made the effort to address me directly, the least I can do is acknowledge and write something back."

Also, another reason is if the thread owner continues to post in their thread (where I've previously replied), I'll generally post again because I'm assuming they're, for whatever reason, reaching out for further support. Even if they change their minds later, I feel in the minute they posted, they wanted to express something.

Thirdly, I know what it's like to not have consistent support in my offline life. While I understand we can't replace personal, offline support here, I still try my best to offer a degree of continuity and follow-up (because I haven't had much of it personally).

Dottie x

[james1]

Sorry if I've stressed you out at all. Blah. Yeah, I think I do need support.

I posted because I was going to quit the forums if I didn't. Not because of the forums, but because I feel like I'm taking up 1209 posts of space (oh you've overtaken me in posts!!). Totally indulging in self-pity here, and I know the thought should be that the 1209 posts have been helpful to me and others, but hey that's how it feels.

Okay that wasn't entirely accurate either. It was more that eventually people would figure out that there's maybe nothing wrong with me, or that I have no idea what the heck I'm talking about. I don't know. You'd figure something out. So best I go first. Or so the thought train went, until it got derailed by the bit that wanted to be truthful.

So thanks for persisting with this. Man, I totally derailed my original topic. I don't even know what I'm rambling on about anymore. But yeah, you rock! *insert awesome emoji here*

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

Thank you. Rest assured, it's okay. Yeah, you do sound like you're struggling.

I think, at the end of the day, the post tally is just a number. I mean, there's a reason why there's no lower or upper limit to our posts because it depends on the individual. Some post more and others less- depends on what works for each of us.

I don't even pay too much attention to my post numbers anymore( aside from the occasional bemused "how on earth do I have over 1000 posts?" moments). If I want to post, I post and if I don't want to post, I don't but I don't worry about the tally either way.

Anyway...is this your fear of abandonment kicking in? The whole wanting to leave us in case any of us "figure" you out/leave you. Maybe it would help if you printed this thread to see what your psychologist thinks (?)

In any case, you're struggling. Sometimes our reasons are clear and sometimes it's unclear. Having a "clear cut" reason for struggling isn't any more (or less) valid than having a less clear cut one. Pain is pain is pain.

Dottie x

[james1]

Yep, it sure is that kicking in, and it has a habit of doing that when I'm edgy/struggling/stuff. I will see if I have time tomorrow to mention it. I usually run out of time.

Sorry, can't muster much more thought. Got 1.5 hours to kill before a classical concert in the opera house. Will probably spend it refreshing my screen/phone while listening to Disney on repeat 😉 Meow for now.

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

I hear you on the whole fear of abandonment thing. We deal with it differently but it's the same fear at the end of the day.

The concert sounds fantastic especially as the acoustics will be incredible there! I love classical music too btw. I hope you enjoyed it and that your psychologist session went well.

Dottie x

[BballJ]

Hi james1,

Sounds like you can make friends pretty easily which is great.

It is hard when you have a mortgage, especially on a single income but well done for being the housing market as it so hard these days so hopefully you are very proud with that achievement as well.

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hi James,

Saw your post on HamSolo01's thread and just wanted to check if you're ok.

You sound a bit down at the moment and thought I'd just pop by and say if you need to talk or vent go for it.

By the way your thread about concentration is really helpful. I can't seem to focus at all except when writing online. So I am silently following that and hoping for ideas 😊. Thank you for that.

[james1]

Hey quercus,

Thank you very much for stopping by and caring about me. That's really very lovely and perceptive of you.

Ah, yeah I've had my fear of abandonment triggered a few times recently at work, online, with friends and with two dating attempts. Normally I'm better at managing how much I put myself in emotionally exposed situations but I overlooked one, and two were really unexpected.

So I'm just trying to keep a low profile and basically give myself a little break. I'm dropping things left, right and centre in terms of housekeeping and work (yeah...mouldy plates are pretty gross, and two sick leave days are boring) but if it keeps me out of hospital and relatively self-sufficient, I'll do it.

I'm glad you're finding it helpful. I've really liked the range of responses people have come back with. I suppose everyone's got a slightly different trouble with the concentration, possibly because we all have different experiences, so it's really interesting to read what people have to say.

I saw you mentioned you're starting therapy and new medication tonight...good on you 🙂 It's a long fight, and might take a while to adjust, but you're giving yourself a chance which is so courageous.

James

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

Fear of abandonment blows. I definitely have it myself- I just don't talk about it much here- so I can empathise. Regardless of whether it's justified or not, the fear can feel very real.

A break sounds good. The dishes and all the boring household chores can wait...you're wellbeing and mental health is infinitely more important.

I think sometimes when you're feeling overwhelmed, retreat is a good option to regain your strength.

Big virtual hug. Know that I'm here for you.

Dottie xxx