Frozen - stuck - just not in touch

[james1]

Hello, I apologise if this doesn't make much sense. I've not been posting much because I've been struggling to work out what I'm struggling with. And after a couple of weeks (or days? time passes in a funny way now), I'm half a step closer to figuring it out.

So I feel like I'm frozen in some sort of bubble. What I mean by that is nothing I do seems to affect anyone outside of me. I don't really work while at work, and no one seems to notice. I don't talk to friends, and they don't talk to me back. Even when I try to break the isolation a bit, it's like I'm not really reaching anybody. Even if I try to think about myself, I get stuck so I'm not even in touch with myself.

I am more venting than anything. I had a psychologist appointment on Saturday and we're now meeting twice a week. I shut down completely in my last appointment - involuntarily. My mind just wouldn't let me think or talk when we started getting close to something that must've been...hard. But the trouble is I don't actually remember what it was anymore. I know I need to keep going to each appointment and I genuinely look forward to them...but I'm quite tired now.

I've tried ways of grounding myself but they only help me feel connected to the physical environment. Not other people's minds and emotions, and I need that.

James

[james1]

Hi Paul,

Thank you for the support. I had a friend mention to me yesterday that he felt like he was talking to two versions of me at the same time. One which was really trying hard to stay focussed and in the moment, and to try and figure out what was happening. And then the other one which thought, "what's in the box, stays in the box", and was pissing off the other me. It certainly feels that way.

I only cried, like really cried, once during imagery work. I don't think I was really ready for it because I completely withdrew after that, and I didn't even want to. And by withdrew, I really mean I stopped being honest and even if I felt nothing, I felt like I needed to play up that memory we worked on. Make it sound really important, even if I didn't feel anything for it. Hmm..that sounds confusing. I'm not quite sure how to put it.

Let me try again, but I'll keep what I've written in case it's actually a true reflection.

The first time we did imagery, I think something inside me broke a bit, in a good way. But then something kicked in and I latched onto my psychologists help. It knew I could really drag this one issue out so we'd have something to talk about and she wouldn't say I'm better, and she would want me to keep going. So I'd talk about it and go through the "right" emotional response so she'd still think it was an issue, when in reality, I was just going through the motions.

Anyway, my current psychologist's style is different. She doesn't give anything away which is tricky for me, also in a good way. I don't know what she thinks is the problem and she leaves a lot of pauses hanging and just makes me say things. I think she can tell I'm scattered and don't really know, and maybe she's trying to train me to trust that I can be honest. I don't know.

Well that response was a lot longer than I expected. The short story is I have no idea what's happening, but I'm not exactly the model client 😛 Not the worst out there either, but by no stretch of the imagination an easy person to help.

James

[james1]

Okay, so I guess this is my update because I have no where else to do that.

So I've noticed I've been a lot more stable recently and I thought that was a good thing. Then I realised it was because I'd decided to just cut-off from people unless they contact me first. Is that isolation? I don't know.

Either way, not having to deal with people has meant I haven't had as many freak-outs. But it does leave me feeling quite indifferent and bored.

My unhealthy coping mechanisms have turned from coping mechanisms to just habits I feel like I should continue, since I suppose I can't really be coping with anything if I don't really feel anything, right? I could stop them, but I have no desire to. I'm safe, they're not bad enough to have long-term effects (okay, admittedly I realise the caveat is I should add the word "yet") and, well, it feels appropriate somehow.

So now I'm left wondering whether boredom or my people-related freak outs are more dangerous. And while I ponder that, I realise this is what happens every time. I freak out, I withdraw, I get bored, I chase more excitement, I freak out, etc etc.

And I'm also progressively getting poorer and more likely to lose my job or, more likely, quit before they fire me.

On the bright side, I will be submitting a short story and a poem to two separate competitions. They will also cost money for submission, but whatever. I think one of them offers feedback too which will be cool. If I can make the finalists, that'll be awesome. I made the finalists in the last two competitions I did years ago.

Okay this post was a lot less satisfactory that what I hoped it'd be. I must be missing something...

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

I'm kind of tired so I'm not sure if my post will make much sense (apologies if I have missed the point).

I think it shows insight that you've identified a pattern in your reactions and behaviour. Maybe you can discuss with your psychologist why you have developed this pattern (?) Name it and tame it, you know.

Also, I wonder about the kinds of people that you have cut off. I wonder if these people were emotionally draining or just not the right fit for you hence your newfound stability. I'm not saying this is necessarily the case but it's just a thought.

The work situation sounds stressful plus I get the impression that you just don't want to be there at all. I remember you mentioned something about rethinking your career direction last year...

Well done for entering the competitions. I'm not surprised that did so well the last time you entered. You have a talent for writing. I wish you the very best!

Dottie x

[CMF]

Hi James,

I've seen you around the forums but don't think we have actually met. I know this feeling of being disconnected without knowing why. I ask myself 'am i depressed?' No not really. "Am i bored?' yes maybe. 'Do i think anyone cares?' no they probably don't. 'Do i care?'No

Sometimes i leave my house in a mess because no one will see it, no one comes over. I'm here but I'm just existing - no purpose,no feeling of wanting to do anything,. I'm just here.

Am i tired? Am I bored? Do i have too much on my plate that i just shut down? I don't know.

cmf x

[BballJ]

Hi james1,

Thanks for the update.

I too block people out and let them contact me first, isolation is I guess a bit of it but I also do it because the people who want to contact you, will. Have you bought this pattern up to your psych however?

Sorry to hear about the job situation as well, it sounds like your heart is in the poetry and writing? Is that something you would prefer to be your full time job? Good luck on your submissions to those competitions.

My best,

Jay

[james1]

Hey Dottie,

I did talk about it with my psych but I don't remember what she said or what I said for that matter. I don't really have much of a working/short-term memory anymore.

I've cut everyone off. It's not really specific. Friends from when i was four, newfound friends, friends who just invited me to a party...it's everyone really. The stability comes from not being able to be triggered by friends. People can't leave me if I've already mentally left them.

It's funny though because I don't know what else to do so I don't really want to change it. If I'm not there with someone, and they are not talking to me (and by that I mean giving me their full attention) then I become afraid I've said something wrong. But I can't even comprehend the alternative. How do I aim for something which makes no sense to me? Practice I suppose, but what if the practice kills me and stops me from functioning as it keeps doing?

I suppose that's what the psychologist is for. Hopefully at some point I might actually trust my psychologist enough to not leave me. I really don't know. People are hard 😕

About work...I don't hate it. I like the people and some of the work is alright. I've always known it wasn't going to be my long term thing, but I think dissatisfaction with the rest of my life is casting a not so good light on work. I do need to stick it out though. My psych said I seem to leave things until there's a real pressing need to do something. I think it's true. I'm always chasing some crisis to escape the boredom.

Thanks for the encouragement.

James

[james1]

Hey cmf,

I think "Do I care? No" is a pretty good summary. It's quite unfortunate to not care enough about stuff because then I get really bored. And boredom is where I lose my way.

I feel like I need a crisis to kick me out of my boredom and it seems like that's where I'm headed. My psych asked me why I can't do something for myself rather than relying on an external crisis but I don't know what that means. Well I do, but i can't comprehend it. My main problem is I always have done things out of necessity or for other people, so to do anything else is very difficult and I get stuck because I don't really understand what it means or how. I think that's where talking to my psych is supposed to help - to help identify what I'm doing when I'm doing it.

Hey Jay

Yeah I have brought it up with my psych but I don't remember what we talked about. It doesn't really bother me for whatever reason. I'll probably get sad about being isolated and then try to make more friends again eventually. That usually gives me enough impetus to pick up my hobbies again so I have something to talk about other than "I sit at home and listen to music".

Yeah I'd definitely like to do something creative full time but with a mortgage I can't really do that. I toyed with the idea of dropping to part time work but I still don't think I can do that with a mortgage on a single income. Being single again is turning out to be quite inconvenient, hahaha.

James

[CMF]

Hi James

' It's quite unfortunate to not care enough about stuff because then I get really bored. And boredom is where I lose my way.". I hear you and i totally get this. When i 'don't care' and get bored my anxiety kicks in as i have too much time to think.

I get it.

Baby Steps

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

The concentration/memory struggles sound frustrating or maybe you just feel indifferent about it.

Just a random suggestion: I take it- if your shrink is anything like the shrink that I used to see- that she or he takes extensive notes (?) Maybe you could ask her to give you a dot point summary at the end of each session that highlights key discussion topics.

I can empathise with some of your fear of abandonment. I deal with it differently to you but it's a similar fear at the end of the day. I just don't let anyone get close enough so I've less to "lose" if they leave me.

But you know what I think? Ultimately, the person we are hurting is ourselves. My thinking self knows this but my feeling self is always about 50 steps behind. Anyway...long story short is I can empathise in my own, little way.

Cool, thanks for elaborating about the work sitch. I'm glad it's at least tolerable and maybe even enjoyable at times. I guess it's okay for now.

Dottie x

[james1]

Yeah I do actually get a bit annoyed at my memory, but I think it's also part of the persona I present to others so I feel a need to continue it. The more I forget, the more excited I get about being able to have something to tell people. Probably part of some weird imposter syndrome in case they find out that maybe I'm not as forgetful as I make out to be. Now wouldn't that be devastating? 😮

Ah, she doesn't take notes. Actually, I have no idea how she remembers everything. I've never seen her take any notes. My previous one did, but this one doesn't at all, yet she remembers names and things. Come to think of it, that's pretty impressive. She knows I've got a bad memory and wonders if it's part of a wider problem where I struggle to "hold onto thoughts and feelings". I'm not sure. She listens to me blabber then puts forward lots of questions and I never know how to answer. Or I do know, but I change the topic for whatever reason.

Yeah I think our fear is the same really. My method is to subconsciously present a thing that I think they'll like, then I just have to be that person until either they realise I'm not that person, or I get tired. Then I leave them for fear of being left. Can't say this is "How to make friends for dummies" but hey, it's what I do.

Anyway, I feel compelled to say there's no need to reply to his even though I know I shouldn't need to say that. I actually think saying that is worse because then it forces you to say something on the off chance that I really do want you to say something. What an awkward situation.

I have another session with my psych tomorrow. I think I will ask what she thinks of me. I don't know why, but I keep wanting to ask and never have the courage to. So I'll just have that as my only thing to ask tomorrow.

James