Fragmented

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

Today I need to get some feedback from the community. This is a pretty heavy conversation so I hope it doesn't trigger anyone. Most days I am stable with my depression but I feel I am just going through the motions a lot of the time. I still can't seem to manage the day to day stuff and I don't seem to care. I have been isolating for many years so when covid hit, it didn't change anything for me personally. I am more comfortable with animals than humans, that is not because I am anti social, I just think I have been hurt too often by humans.

I feel like with every loss, every betrayal, every negative experience, I lost a piece of myself and now there are so many pieces missing that I sometimes wonder if the little that is left is worth the effort. Can anyone relate to this feeling?

I have always been a sensitive creative person and sang for most of my life along with crafts, making jewellery, in fact I have tried my hand at a great many creative things. But I lost interest in all the things that used to light me up when I went into a state of chronic depression about 12 years ago and haven't been able to get the spark back. I miss that person but I don't know how to find her. All feedback will be greatly appreciated.

indigo22

[indigo22]

Hi Eagle Ray & dig,

Thanks for letting me now, I will wait for it to appear.

I wanted to tell you about something which happens with me that I assumed was happening because my nerves were shot, but now, after listening to some of Peter Levine's work, I think it may be a trauma response similar to animals.

When I was quite young, maybe 5 or 6, mum took me with her to the doctor under the guise that it was her that needed to see the doctor. I was just happily playing with some toys they gave me while mum spoke to the doctor. Then the doctor started walking toward me with a huge needle (for Hong Kong flu) and I said "is that for me?", before I knew it I was being given and injection and the moment he finished, I ran outside and started vomiting. Ever since then, whenever I have had to have a needle for any reason, I experience anxiety before and during, then after I have either felt sick or faint.

The worst ones for me are at the dentist because they take so long and I tense up and barely breath until its over. In the last couple of decades, when its over, I go into involuntary and uncontrollable shaking, my head, hands, legs, everything shakes for the next 5 mins or so and then gradually subsides. I think this may be what Peter is talking about with releasing the energy the body has produced from the anxiety. Wondering what your thoughts are on this.

Are you still on the road? How is everything going with you?

indigo

[indigo22]

Hi again Eagle Ray & dig,

Just wanted to let you know I have taken the plunge and booked an appointment for this Saturday with the spiritual counsellor/healer. Looking forward to see how it goes and if she feels she can help.

indigo

[indigo22]

Hi Eagle Ray & Dig,

I am really glad we are able to talk about this stuff, as you said it too woo woo for some people so I have had only a couple of people to I have been able to talk about it with.

With regards to my dad, no one else could smell anything, but I knew his personal scent/chemistry, and when it didn't smell right, I knew he had an infection.

As for the dogs and cancer, I have had first hand experience with that one. My next door neighbour had a Lab who would run up to me and shove her nose in my groin every time I saw her. She knew before I did that I had vulval cancer. She never did it again after the cancer was gone.

That experience of leaving your body and being with your mum must have been quite a journey, and then to have the healing on your return is really interesting. I have read and heard about cases where people who have had a near death experience or a shared death experience having those spontaneous healings also.

I have had some disturbing news today. My friend got his results from his PET scan today and has three areas of active cancer in his lungs. As it is, he breaths through a tube in his neck and has to use technology to speak. I can't believe he has to face another huge battle and I feel like I may be losing yet another friend. I know it is too early to be thinking that way but, seriously, how much can a body be compromised before its too much. I am not dealing well with the news today, but I will toughen up again and deal with it in the days to come.

indigo 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Indigo,

I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. I understand that would be really hard right now, for him and you too coming to terms with these new challenges he has. Take care of yourself as I know it can take a toll, the emotional impact of worrying about them and feeling for them and what they’re experiencing.

Wow, that’s amazing about your neighbour’s dog. Their capacity to sense things is amazing. I’m glad you are rid of the cancer now. With your own ability to smell things, it shows you have that sensory sensitivity that I think certain people have. They are often people with a lot of empathy who’ve been through a lot from the beginning of life too. I used to smell things no one else in my family could. I remember a rat had died in a wall cavity. I remember saying I think a rat or mouse has died, but it was days before anyone else could smell it when it had decomposed more. When I was about 10 people came to spray the outside of the house for white ants. We were told to stay indoors. The chemical smell was extreme to me and I had to bury my face in a pillow otherwise I’d throw up. But my mother and brother just carried on like everything’s normal and weren’t affected.

What you describe with the injection when you were little makes sense in terms of an unresolved trauma response. I know Peter Levine writes a lot about that sort of thing in relation to childhood medical procedures, including ones considered routine. When I was 5 Mum took me for a vaccination shot, but like you I didn’t really understand what was happening till it was happening. Next thing a needle is going into my arm and I instinctively flung my arm, sending the needle and its contents flying across the room. The nurse had to prepare another one. I think it did make me quite anxious with needles for a while, but I wonder if the flinging it away was like a defence mechanism that at least partially helped my body feel like it defended itself. I’m sure that’s something you could work through in terms of completing a response with somatic therapy. That’s what I’ve done quite a bit with my psych - complete responses where I felt powerless to do anything at the time. Those responses can be completed and the issue healed, even decades later.

I’m just back from my trip today. I enjoyed it so much. I travelled through such varied countryside. I love seeing the different landscapes, plants, birds and animals. I also really enjoy seeing different towns, each with their own feel and character, and the local personalities you meet along the way. I’m tired now but it’s been healing and seems to be a great reset for me.

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. I meant to say too that’s great you have the appointment to see the spiritual counsellor. All the very best and hopefully it’s a meaningful step on your healing journey. Take care.

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Indigo, 

That's awesome news. I hope it goes well and you feel a connection with the counsellor. I agree with Eagle Ray's comment about healing happening when the conditions are right, and the support people are there. I hope that the counsellor can hold you in a way that you need for your healing. 

I also saw in another one of your posts about your friend's condition. I'm sorry to hear that. It's understandable that it would have really rocked you. Not just because it's a friend suffering, but also because you've had so much loss in your life, and there's not many supportive people in your life. Perhaps it's divine timing that you have the counselling session on Sat. 

Take care of yourself, 

dig

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Eagle Ray & Indigo, 

Strange - my last message didn't get through mods, I can't see it anywhere... Not sure why. I shared some revelations. One was about the trembling/shaking response that Peter Levine talks about. I tried it out in nature when I went to some rockpools on Wed and it felt good. The other was about realising my sister had a different reaction to our chilhood because she was able to defend herself.

Anyway, I'm going reasonably okay today. Hope you are both going okay. 

I hope the counselling session tomorrow goes well Indigo. 

dig

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Dig and Indigo,

That’s frustrating your post hasn’t appeared. I’ve had that happen a couple of times. They indicated they’d posted but never appeared. There was no moderation message either. Your message may appear belatedly which sometimes happens.

That’s great about the revelations. In 2021 I did a few sessions of TRE (Trauma Releasing Exercises) which were quite effective. TRE activates central pattern generators in the spine that are part of the trembling recovery response. I had a spontaneous release in nature with the same process a few months after that, maybe similar to what you experienced. I remember reading in Peter Levine’s In An Unspoken Voice about how people are often tranquilised when trembling as medics don’t realise the shaking is not pathological, it’s actually how the body heals and rebalances itself. We’ve been taught to think that shaking is something bad when it is actually curative in trauma recovery. It’s part of the letting go and recalibration towards homeostasis.

That makes sense what you say about your sister. Being able to defend yourself at the time of a stress helps prevent trauma getting trapped in the body. I couldn’t defend so understandably ended up with a lot of trapped trauma. It’s like having tightly coiled springs inside of you. But bit by bit these are getting gradually released as my body starts to know it is safe to do so. I think nature can be one of those safe places where it happens more easily and spontaneously.

 I’m going ok. I’m busy with quite a lot to do having run away on my trip for 11 days, so trying to catch up with various tasks now but feeling a lot better for the time away.

Indigo, I hope you’re going ok. I know it’s been a tough week. I hope the counselling session goes well too.

 I hope you both have a lovely weekend.

[indigo22]

Hi Eagle Ray & dig,

I'm getting back to myself, toughened up and dealing with the news. I find I just need a couple of days to remind myself I have no control over the outcome and worrying in the meantime won't change anything, but it will ware me down, better to deal with things as and when they happen.

One good thing has come out of this. My friend and his lovely lady are going to get married some time in the near future and I have had the inspiration to make her something to wear in her hair on the day. The ideas came so easily which has not happened for a long time.

Dig, about your missing post - I have had problems in the past and there are 2 things you can do. Either send an email directly to mod support (I call them the Mod Squad😀), or you can go to the message you posted saying that one went missing and click the report post button. In either case, just ask the moderators to look for your missing post. I had one that disappeared into cyberspace never to be found again, but most of them were just stuck in moderation.

Glad to hear you are both doing ok, and thank you both for your good vibes for my appointment tomorrow.

Have a lovely weekend both,

indigo

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hello Indigo, 

I was so happy to hear your post about feeling some inspiration for your friend's wedding. I love it when creative ideas flow like that. Yay, for you! I hope the counselling went well for you too. 

Take Care, 

dig