Fragmented

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

Today I need to get some feedback from the community. This is a pretty heavy conversation so I hope it doesn't trigger anyone. Most days I am stable with my depression but I feel I am just going through the motions a lot of the time. I still can't seem to manage the day to day stuff and I don't seem to care. I have been isolating for many years so when covid hit, it didn't change anything for me personally. I am more comfortable with animals than humans, that is not because I am anti social, I just think I have been hurt too often by humans.

I feel like with every loss, every betrayal, every negative experience, I lost a piece of myself and now there are so many pieces missing that I sometimes wonder if the little that is left is worth the effort. Can anyone relate to this feeling?

I have always been a sensitive creative person and sang for most of my life along with crafts, making jewellery, in fact I have tried my hand at a great many creative things. But I lost interest in all the things that used to light me up when I went into a state of chronic depression about 12 years ago and haven't been able to get the spark back. I miss that person but I don't know how to find her. All feedback will be greatly appreciated.

indigo22

[indigo22]

Hi Eagle Ray,

I understand everything you are talking about although I have not had the experience myself. I am so glad you told me of those awakening experiences, they are the assurance that we are not alone and the soul lives on. I wasn't sure how deeply to go into the spiritual side but with your last post, I feel I can expand on some of my experiences also.

I have had at least one psychic experience in one form or another with every loss. My brother's death opened my psychic abilities but it frightened me and I had no one to guide me through the experiences I was having. I would walk into him room (up to 6 months after he passed) and I could still smell him and the room was really cold. I couldn't make sense of it, how he could be gone but I still sensed him. I was just too young to comprehend it and I kind of shut it down from the fear.

As I got older, every time someone passed, it would open up again, like I had to be in the state of grief to connect. My experiences were all different, sometimes feeling their energy, sometimes it was an audible thing like a song, one time was a vivid vision while asleep.

I could smell when my dad had an infection and would tell mum she needed to get the doctor in. When I was younger, my dad had a lighter funnier side when he chose to be that way and he used to use an expression when we engaged in a friendly disagreement, "well alright, okay, you win", but I was unaware of where it came from. Within days of his passing, I was in the kitchen making coffee, mum had left the radio on and was in the shower, a song came on the radio and the words were "well alright, okay, you win". There was no doubt in my mind that was a message from him. A few weeks later, I had a voice message on my work phone, it was from a man who was not sure if he was calling the right number and he said he was Edward from GM Marketing. I almost fell off the chair. My fathers name was Edward the initials of his middle names were GM and our surname starts with M. As it turned out, he had called the wrong number, but had no idea of the significance of that mistake.

When my mum was nearing her final breath, in the last 5 mins, she had been unconscious for quite a few hours, I was alone holding her hand and I sensed a presence in the room. I thought "I wonder who that is" and immediately a picture flashed into my mind, it was a picture of my grandmother that was on the mantle in the lounge room, and I instantly understood that her mother was their to meet her. Mum never knew her mother as she passed when mum was 1 year old from complications that continued after the birth, mum was one of triplets (not identical), one died at birth (a boy), but mum and her sister survived.

My hope is that after I am able to move the stuck energy, this ability will be free to surface again.

I have no doubt that your awakenings have occurred because you spend so much time connecting with nature.

Thank you for your continual caring support, it is so appreciated.

Indigo

[indigo22]

Hi Eagle Ray, I send a reply but I think it is stuck in moderation, should show up eventually🙄

[Eagle Ray]

No worries Indigo. That’s happened to me before and then it’s eventually appeared. Hope you’ve had a good day 😊

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Indigo & Eagle Ray, 

Hey Indigo, that's awesome to hear about the two men that came to help with the pruning!! So heartwarming. It's those sorts of things that really touch me in my heart, too. I can understand that it almost brought you to tears, and you felt dumbfounded. For me, my childhood was very lacking in kindness. I guess I grew up learning that humans are harsh and dangerous etc. And now when I experience gestures of kindness from others, it gets me - in the heart. It can be quite overwhelming. 

Yes, you are spot on Eagle Ray, surfing is an awesome way to be 'in my body', and in flow/syc with the ocean. It's a great form of self expression too, when I use my body in a dynamic way to ride the wave. Although, there is a downside to surfing. It takes up A LOT of energy. Especially if the conditions are a bit rough and I am using up adrenaline, or if there are a lot of other people around and I am navigating waves AND people. A surf can completely drain me and wipe me out for days. I try and just take it easy, but it's hard once I am out in the water - I just want to catch as many waves as I can! Lately my energy has been so low that I couldn't even contemplate going out for a surf. So, it was nice to get out in the water again. Just being near the ocean and looking at it is amazing, too. I like strolling slowly along the beach and collecting shells or driftwood, and sipping a coffee as I meander along.....  

The David Hawkins book sounds interesting..... map of consciousness. Have you read any more of it Indigo?  

I am going well at the moment, having some good sleeps, and feeling okay in myself. Gently coming out of the intenseness of the past couple of weeks.....

Take Care,

dig

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Indigo & Eagle Ray, 

Wow, those experiences sound profound, Indigo. Lots of synchronicity around death/grief, for you. It reminds me of when I met my partner, on the anniversary of my father's death, that was definitely a sign from my father - he is looking out for me  🙂  

And, it's totally okay to open up about spiritual things here. I have a spiritual bent too. I have experienced many shamanic practices, ecstatic dance, plant medicine and more. I was reading your descriptions of altered states of consciousness with awe, Eagle Ray. I enjoyed reading about the images and visions that come to you spontaneously. The only time I have experienced a vision was during a shamanic drumming journey to find your 'power animal'. I had a very vivid vision of a sea turtle, in cartoon, popping up out of the ocean, and then taking me on it's back and swimming deep into the ocean, following the currents. I was definitely in an altered state of consciousness. Sea Turtle has been a very important totem ever since then. And it has such beautiful relevance to my life journey. The sea turtle has a perilous start to life, facing danger right from the get go, trying to make it's way across the sand to the ocean without being killed by predators. And once in the water, the young sea turtle still faces many challenges and dangers. And then eventually, learns to flow with the currents of the ocean. Sea turtles live for a long time - a symbol of longevity and wisdom. Oooooooooh, LOVE it!!!    

But apart from that experience, no visions or even images in my mind's eye. Except in PTSD nightmares and flashbacks. I have done lots of 'visualisation' meditations over the years, but nothing ever comes to mind in images. I am only realising now that I have been faking it all this time, haha. I might go, Ohhh yeah, I was walking in a forest along a path and I saw a wolf...... but it's more like a story that my mind is telling me, rather than images appearing spontaneously. I just wonder if a part of my brain won't let me visualize, because when I do, it can be very frightening (nightmares and flashbacks). Maybe my brain is protecting me??   

When I did EMDR therapy, it didn't really work, because it relies on visualizing a memory and I couldn't do it. I wonder if I would respond to somatic experiencing, because it sounds like it relies on visualizing, too. What do you think Eagle Ray? 

Fascinating stuff......     🙂

dig

[indigo22]

Hi dig & Eagle Ray,

Welcome back dig, glad to hear you are feeling a little better and have been getting some rest.

I haven't been doing a lot of posting myself for a week or so except in this thread, have had a few things that needed attention, but getting to the end of them now. The pruning was one that I was dreading because of the energy that would be needed, but I can now strike that one off the list. I suppose I always expect people to be insensitive to others, seems I may need to adjust my expectations a little! I didn't have a lot of kindness from my family either, although it was different to what you experienced. My eldest brother was a fully fledged accountant and I was never great at maths and figures, so I used to ask him to help me with my tax until the day he said "the only time you ever come here is when you want your tax done", I never went to him again for anything. By the way, I can count on one hand how many times her ever phoned me to have a chat, before or after that day. But I still took him into my flat for 2 months when his marriage ended. It was all quite self serving and hypocritical with my family.

The rest of the garden also needs attention, but I can do that in my own timing bit by bit. My next job is cutting my hair and colouring it, my natural colour is a boring mousey brown (with increasing amounts of grey), although it used to be blonde when I was younger. I found a beautiful colour last time I did it, it's a subtle rose gold, they have since deleted it from the range, but I was lucky enough to find some.

I can imagine surfing taking a lot of energy, it's an immense work out for all your muscles, I'm betting you sleep really well after a couple of hours in the surf.

I had a spare credit on audible so I ended up getting the audio of The Map of Consciousness Explained and I have listened to a bit of it, but I think I will also get the ebook before I continue with the audio as there is a lot of referencing on the audio which relates to the map, and they are recordings of lectures he has done on the subject. Sometimes I find it easier to follow having both the ebook and audio. But it is interesting as a way of seeing the progression of consciousness from the lowest states to the highest states and how your view of the world changes in relation to where you are.

Eagle Ray, the post that was stuck in mediation is now up, will be interested to hear your thoughts.

Hope you are both having a good day

indigo

[indigo22]

Hey dig,

I replied then saw your second post, just wanted to say that I mostly have trouble with visualisation also with the exception of colours, I have often seen an emerald green heart. It could quite possibly be a protection mechanism. For me probably because of the fear I felt when things first opened up, for you quite likely the PTSD. I will be interested in Eagle Ray's response also.

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Indigo,

 I too was not sure how much to say about such things as it is woo woo for some people, but when you have such experiences it’s very powerful and real. I think what you describe with those people from your life passing, it’s like the magnitude of the loss involves a heightened state of awareness that opens you up to different levels of consciousness.

The awakening I described above was around my mother’s death. I was with her when her heart started failing and called the ambulance. She died in the operating theatre when my brother and I were in an adjacent room. I had a strong sense of her presence at the moment she passed, even though we didn’t know she would die at this point. But what distressed me for a long time afterwards was knowing the fear she would have felt, as she had multiple experiences of not being able to breathe between the first episode and when she lost consciousness. I knew this as I’d spoken to her on the phone before I got to the hospital myself. So during this awakening experience this year I felt myself leave my body. I literally went through these breathing episodes with my mother and was feeling them with her. This sounds scary but it actually wasn’t. I understood what was happening. I was supporting her retrospectively.

Following this I came back into my body. My whole body began to unwind from huge amounts of stored trauma and stress. It did this on its own via stretches and movements and I knew just to let it happen. I then went into a deep, peaceful sleep on the floor. My body had just done deep processing. For the next few weeks I felt the deepest peace and joy I’ve ever felt. In the preceding months I’d been really, really not ok. Now everything was in flow and I felt truly connected to life and everything.

While I’ve slipped back somewhat, I know now what deep healing feels like. I’ve had other similar experiences that would take too long to explain. But under certain conditions I think our senses become acute and we can feel and sense things. What you describe about smelling when your Dad had an infection makes sense. It is known now that dogs can smell cancers in their owners, sense when someone is about to have an epileptic seizure etc. I read of a woman whose dog kept shoving his nose into her lower abdomen. She was getting annoyed with her dog but then it was found she had ovarian cancer in that location. Us humans have faculties, especially attuned during shifts in consciousness, that pick things up as well. We’ve just lost touch with it much of the time. We spend so much time in our “rational” brain but disconnected from body, heart and spirit. For me, connecting with nature brings me back to the body, heart and spirit. A kind of natural healing occurs when we are held by nature, and also in the loving presence of others which is like the same support energy. Hard to put into words, but healing naturally occurs in the right conditions.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Dig and Indigo too,

With regard to visualisations I don’t think they are necessary for somatic experiencing to work. They come up for me so that’s why I mentioned them. But I think you can work with just feelings and sensations in the body, and during a session the body might go through a series of movements, feelings and responses. My psychologist is not encouraging me to have visions. She just encourages me to sense what I’m feeling in my body, following me explaining an incident of a traumatic nature. It is all done gently and slowly. It’s just very common with me that as part of that visions start to emerge and become part of the process.

Working with these different states of consciousness is being done by medical researchers in the treatment of intractable PTSD via the use of psychedelics which of course often produce visualisations. Recent studies have indicated a high level of efficacy in treating chronic PTSD that hasn’t responded to other treatments and in some cases has been present for decades. I haven’t used or needed psychedelics to induce such states. They seem to happen naturally for me both in nature and in the kind presence of a safe, other person I trust. They are natural healing mechanisms that other cultures have understood and practised for millennia, but got lost from Western perspectives that separated mind from body and started to exclude spiritual components of healing. In our culture there is such a focus on “mind over matter” which anyone with PTSD knows doesn’t work in practice. You have to meet the body where it is at, not try to control it top-down.

In mentioning psychedelics here, it’s important to recognise they aren’t safe for some people such as those with psychosis, which I feel obliged to mention in case anyone reads this and thinks it’s the answer to their struggles and they fall into a category of people for which such an approach is unsafe. That’s why certain groups of people are excluded from the research studies being done.

But as I’ve experienced it’s possible to have these altered states without psychedelics. The process might be faster with them, but I think for me I am working to shift things at a pace I can handle as I gradually integrate the many challenging experiences I have been through.

 I think the key understanding for me is that healing processes will naturally unfold in the right conditions. For me it is literally a physical unfolding that occurs. There is a method called myofascial unwinding that was developed by a guy named John Barnes. It’s the release through the fascia that occurs as the autonomic nervous system rebalances itself. I’ve learned this too, and I think that’s why my body responds well to the shifts on consciousness and starts to myofascially unwind. Animals in the wild do it naturally in response to stressful and traumatic situations, and tend to recover much faster and more easily than us humans in response to traumatic events.

Anyway, know there is hope for healing and parts of us know what to do to heal. We just sometimes need some of the right supports and conditions for the healing to unfold.

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. Indigo, I responded to your post from a couple of days ago that was in moderation and now mine is in moderation, so may take a while to appear too.