Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

The last few months have been somewhat confusing as I have discovered more about my mental / physical health and how it has all been connected. I had not put the pieces together, I am not sure why, it seems so obvious now.

I have dealt with Dysthymia since about 12 and Major Depression since about 14 but was not diagnosed until my 40s and had no idea that had been the problem all along. I knew I wasn't like everyone else but thought I was just born that way. Back then mental health was not a subject that was openly discussed and the signs mostly went unrecognised and untreated. I had about 10 years of talk therapy with a social worker that helped immensely.

I have had a sensitive digestive system for a good portion of my life, not so much that I sought treatment, just things like indigestion with certain foods, bloating and the like. I suppose I thought everyone had those types of issues.

I have also had nervous system reactions over the past 15 years, like involuntary shaking in certain situations, that I had put down to getting older and being less resilient having been through a lot of difficult challenges.

I have been seeing a psychotherapist who also does somatic work (turns out you were right mmmekitty, I did need some more help). The first session of somatic work, in this case EFT (tapping), brought up a deep and long standing belief that I did not deserve to be helped. The emotions were buried so deep that I was not even aware of them. After that session things went haywire physically for a few days and took some weeks to start to settle.

Being the type of person who needs to have an understanding of what is happening and why, I have been reading many books on the symptoms I have had. That is when I began to join the dots about how interconnected by mental and physical health actually were. It has required a lot of processing on my part, and an acknowledgement of what I have been consciously unaware of, but it has been necessary to finding a way forward. This will be an ongoing journey as new symptoms show up that need to be looked at.

I know now that there is a lot of unreleased trauma in my body that is a contributing factor in not healing mentally or physically and I know now what needs to be done to improve. There is only so much that the medical profession can do, I believe the rest of the responsibility lies with us in digging deeper to find the causes and the answers. In many ways, that in itself becomes empowering.

Take care all.

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo,

It is indeed a twin flame journey. Everything I’ve read about that process is what I’m going through now. We met many years ago when we were both studying a music course. He was immediately a familiar spirit. We became extremely close and could virtually read each other’s minds. I knew things about his past and he knew things about my past that neither of us could rationally explain. We shared some childhood trauma experiences as well, not exactly the same things, but experiences that left us with the same kinds of fears. We knew we were safe with each other. Yet after a year we felt we had to be separated due to external circumstances but still spent another very uncertain year of trying to contact and then running away from the situation, before both trying to bury things and move on. It’s a lot to explain here. But the lessons from the whole thing are flooding my system now and it’s become so clear what I need to resolve within myself to move forward. His presence is profound guidance to me now. It’s extremely moving and emotional to have that support. It’s all come upon me quite suddenly with his passing.

That really is profound indigo, that realisation about wanting to live and not just survive. I’m really happy for you to experience that realisation. It’s so healing. I think what you are describing is similar to what I’m being presented with on the twin flame journey. I realised most of my life has been about survival as well and I’m wanting to break through the just surviving barrier to actually living. It’s an incredible feeling to know that isn’t it. That’s a wonderful idea to put the statement with the dragonfly next to your bed as a symbol of transformation. I feel the transformation is like an unfolding and just allowing that process to happen. Even just having the intent to fully live sets the transformative process in motion.

Thank you for touching base and connecting.

Hugs,

ER 💖

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

I am checking in with you, how are you?

If you are not in the frame of mind to talk there is no pressure to do so, just know that I am here when you are ready. I hope you are making progress on your healing journey.

Thinking of you.

Hugs,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you indigo 🙏

I feel I am making progress. It has been tumultuous though. At times I have felt severely dissociated, depressed and inconsolable, so pretty awful. But those are temporary states and at other times I’ve felt great peace and connection. This evening I feel I’m beginning to integrate, like things are balancing emotionally. I’ve had some very interesting spiritual experiences as well, as if I’d taken psychoactive substances when I haven’t. My mind just does that on its own. I feel like I’ve been in an altered state of consciousness for weeks. I’ve had all this accelerated healing of past trauma issues that have rapidly unfolded. It’s been pretty full on. I feel like a different person actually, that I have grown and feel the support of my dear friend in everything I do now. It’s quite profound having spent most of my life feeling isolated. He is in my heart and I feel different in quite a transformative way.

How are things going for you indigo? I hope you are having a lovely week 💖

Warm hugs to you,

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

It sounds very much like are going through a spiritual awakening at the same time as grieving via the difficult and emotional experiences. I am guessing that because this has come out of the blue, part of you is still in protective mode and learning to slowly let the walls down that have kept you safe. What an amazing journey you are having albeit, most likely, overwhelming at times. The story of how you met and the discoveries you made of commonalities is fascinating. I would love to hear more about all of this when you feel ready to talk more about it.

I have had a bit of a frustrating week so far. I had planned on Monday to put the blower/vac together and get outside to do some more of the weeding. The first snag was not being able to get two of the pieces of plastic pipe together properly and none of my neighbours were home to give me a hand. I got some spray to try lubricating the pieces which turned out to be no help at all. One of my neighbours came home so I rang and asked him if he a few minutes to help me, by this time it was about 6pm already. He had just arrived and I went to throw something in my garden bag, without realising I had tripped I suddenly found myself on my knees with my face in a bag of mulch and thinking wtf just happened. I got up and knew I wasn't badly hurt and laughed about it but my knees were a bit sore from hitting the concrete. Later that evening I realised I also pulled a muscle that runs between my lower back and upper leg so the weeding still hasn't been done although the blower/vac is now good to go. So much for my plans for the week, the muscle is slowly getting better so perhaps in a couple of days.

I hope your journey begins to get a little easier for you in the coming weeks, you have such strength in you so I have no doubt that you will heal much of the past that has haunted you.

Thinking of you,

Warm and supportive hugs,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Hello indigo,

I’m so sorry to hear about the fall. It’s a shock isn’t it when we are going along and then unexpectedly something like that happens. I do hope the muscle heals soon and you can be back to your gardening activities.

This morning I’ve been getting hit with waves of grief, starting with sobbing while hanging out the washing. I’m actually grieving loss on a number of levels. All those years ago I had to suppress a lot to get on with life and I think it’s all coming out now. I’m just going through different stages.

I’m not sure I feel able to divulge a lot of specific details on a public forum, but basically it was like meeting someone who is another version of yourself in terms of perceptions and feelings. We connected to everything the same. Very specific things that had been deeply meaningful to me since a child turned out to be central things in his life’s journey. For example, a particular obscure song that meant so much to me from age 9 without me knowing why, turned out to be a deeply meaningful song for him in the context of his life. He wanted to sing me another song once and was very emotional doing it, and it was a song my parents had connected with hearing the artist performing it in a subway shortly after I was conceived. My parents, who had so much conflict, rarely expressed connectivity with one another. Yet they did when they told the story of this song. It was like he understood this about my life and my parents, while having no prior knowledge of this information. We both had precognitions about where we knew the other would be at a given time and place. I could think something a few days earlier and when I next saw him he would tell me the thoughts he was having which were identical with regard to plans and ideas for the future. They weren’t even approximate, they were specifically identical. I’ve been recently listening to a podcast on telepathy in individuals with non-speaking autism which is fascinating. I know it’s real based on what I’ve experienced along with the capacity to know things beyond conventional understandings of material reality. He was a spiritual person in the same way as myself, drawn to all the same things. Despite being separated after a certain point, our lives moved in a kind of parallel, studying similar things at university and working in fields helping others, including in education. I think both of us went too far into our intellectual minds though and became disconnected at a soul level to some degree. Not a total disconnect, but we were both a bit off track and really should have remained connected, as we were the mirror we needed for each other to know what our life path was meant to be. The lesson for me now is seeing that life path clearly and following it. Both of us got drawn into the expectations and pressures of others. We both had past trauma which is part of that pattern - appeasing others instead of prioritising and even seeing your own needs. It’s a massive lesson to learn.

I now feel him with me all the time, his sense of humour, gentleness and supportive and intuitive kindness. It is a gift even though I hurt like hell at times as well. If I go into a negative thought spiral I can feel him bring me back gently into the present and a sense of peace. If I start to feel anxiety he calms me down. It’s like he’s really there. I’ve had traumas that were still in process for me come to the surface and he has guided me through the process of healing them at a deep somatic, emotional and spiritual level. So I feel very tender and blessed and like a different person.

Anyway, I do hope the remainder of your week goes well. I still plan to read the Avalon book you mentioned. I might just get the electronic version for the Kindle app on my phone. I might do that next week. I’m heading to the city tomorrow for work to be done on my car and spending a few days in an area I’m checking out as a possible place to move to.

Take care and thank you for kind support. Warm hugs 🤗 

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

I am not surprised you are experiencing the grieving process more intensely, I know I supressed a lot for a while too until there was no holding it back any longer. It is a dreadful feeling while you are going through it, but I think there is also a feeling of having washed the pain from your body to some extent when the process has come to an end. I am so glad your twin flame is with you and you can feel his presence, I imagine it is a real source of comfort for you at the moment.

I find your story completely fascinating, I have only ever read about twin flames and was not sure how much of what I had read was accurate. Hearing about your experiences, the synchronicities, the knowing, the telepathic connection and everything else is truly amazing. It really is a pity that we can get pulled into other peoples expectations at times and lose sight of what is important to us. You said you feel like a different person and you also sound like a different person, perhaps for the first time, you are walking through life accompanied by someone you completely trust to have your highest good at the fore at all times. A security I am sure you have rarely ever felt until now.

I had a thought come to me one morning recently. I was thinking of my brother as it was recently 50 years since he passed. I was thinking how different things could have been had he lived, for example, teaching me ride a motor cycle and going on rides together, having him come along to gigs and play his blues harp when he felt like it. Then it hit me, if there is truth to multiple parallel universes, then those things happened somewhere and that made me happy even though it was not my reality.

I'm off to see the physiotherapist tomorrow as I am not getting better, I think I actually pulled something out of alignment and the muscle is not where it should be. I have been having an aching back when I stand for too long as well so time to get it sorted.

I also wanted to let you know about a webinar Beyond Blue is holding in a couple of days on peri-menopause and menopause. The Melbourne doctor you talked about will be part of it, the link is below if you are interested.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-involved/events/the-menopause-mind-field

I hope your week goes well and I will be in touch again soon.

Warm hugs, you are in my thoughts,

indigo 💜

[indigo22]

I meant to ask you, how did your trip to the city go last week? 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi indigo,

Until this happened I was skeptical about the twin flame things I’d read. I was interested to a degree, especially because of what I’d been through in terms of emotional and spiritual connection with this person already, but thought it was more of a construct than something as real as what I’m currently experiencing. It doesn’t have to be called “twin flames” but it is a something whatever it is. I’ve read and watched other people’s accounts and it describes very much what I’m going through. What you say about someone I completely trust having my highest good at the fore at all times is exactly what I’m feeling. It is profound.

Your thoughts about your brother make sense to me. I feel he has likely been with you all along even when you may not have sensed him. But also my sense of multiple dimensions is quite high at the moment so the idea of parallel universes feels familiar. In my case I’ve had a sense of him being present with me at different ages but also from different planes of existence at different times. It’s so out there. I hesitate to write such things which I know are not believable to many, but when you begin to feel these things you experience something beyond the material world. 

How did you go with the physio today? I hope they were able to identify the issue and provide some therapeutic support. I imagine they will have given you some exercises to do. I hope you have some improvement very soon.

Thank you for the info about the webinar. That looks good and it is great it is being talked about more openly. It certainly was a taboo subject a lot in the past and women had to soldier on or would succumb to the impact of the mental health symptoms and sometimes end up institutionalised. It’s pretty bad the things that happened in the past, but even now I’ve heard some sad stories of what women have been through in the mental health system recently where the hormonal aspect was not understood and treated. I’m really glad BB are looking into it and providing information.

Warm hugs and kind thoughts to you too indigo 💗

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

What I thought I had done was not too far off, I have overstretched the hamstring where it connects to the pelvis which makes sense as it would have been contracted when I landed. It's typically a 3 week recovery, mainly resting it. He treated it with ultra sound as he says this often helps with the healing. My lower back was also tight so he gave me a loosening massage with heat ointment and doesn't expect I will need to see him again. So I guess the garden is going to have to wait at least another 10 days before I can get back to it, by then those weeds will be even more out of control unfortunately. I guess the lesson here is always pay attention when you are walking 😏.

What you are experiencing is out there but only because our brains can't truly comprehend it unless we experience it plus our beliefs can block the experiences. You are experiencing some of the things that Christina experiences at all times, like having a foot in each reality for want of a better term.

Did you manage to see the webinar? I didn't watch it, mainly because I am so far past that stage, but curious if you got anything new out of it. We had a champions meeting on Monday and I said it was about time that open discussion on this subject was out there. Perhaps now the doctors who are so far behind the research will get themselves caught up on what women go through and what they need to help them through menopause, unless they want their patients to be more knowledgeable than they are 😅.

It is such a beautiful day here, I think I might go out and catch a few rays while having a gentle walk around the garden. Talk again soon.

Warm hugs,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Hi indigo,

I’m glad the physio could diagnose and treat the injury. It sounds good that it only needs the one treatment but obviously it’s annoying not being able to do the gardening. But at least it won’t be too long before you should be able to get back to it. Maybe you can enjoy some nice restful time reading or as you say for today, just enjoying gentle time in the garden 🌿🌸🌼

What you describe about having a foot in each reality is very much what it feels like for me at the moment. I’ve always felt like this to an extent but it’s acutely heightened at the moment. A couple of weeks ago I had a very strong sense someone else had died or was dying or had become very unwell in some way. I felt it really strongly in my own body, almost like having a stroke. I narrowed it down to 3 relatives and one friend who it could be, then it was just two relatives who are sisters but I didn’t know which one. Well this morning an aunty rang to tell me that one of those two relatives had just died. She is someone who had become estranged from our family years ago. Various issues of serious abuse had occurred in her family. It’s too long a story to tell. I asked my aunty had she become unwell prior to death and she said yes, she had recently become unwell. I’ve actually spent time in the past couple of weeks looking at the history of this family because I could feel something was going on. I had some not great experiences myself in relation to this family as a child which I won’t go into. But I just knew something had happened there. So I’m picking up everything like a radio receiver at the moment.

I did not end up seeing the webinar though I was interested. I was just a bit distracted this morning after my aunty’s phone call. I also thought I probably know the content they will discuss as I’ve so looked into it already including Prof Kulkarni’s work. But I think it would have been both informative and engaging with the people on the panel and I hope a lot of people tuned in and got something from it.

I hope you really enjoyed the beautiful day. It’s been cloudy here today and rain is forecast in the coming days. I’ve been outside cleaning up the area where my new hot water system is being installed tomorrow. The broken old one is elevated in a way that isn’t practical for servicing and is actually a bit dangerous given it almost collapsed a couple of years ago when a bolt rusted through. So although it adds to the cost, I’ve decided for the new one to be positioned at ground level.

I hope you are having a lovely evening indigo and may you heal quickly 🙏✨

Warm hugs 🤗 

ER