Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

The last few months have been somewhat confusing as I have discovered more about my mental / physical health and how it has all been connected. I had not put the pieces together, I am not sure why, it seems so obvious now.

I have dealt with Dysthymia since about 12 and Major Depression since about 14 but was not diagnosed until my 40s and had no idea that had been the problem all along. I knew I wasn't like everyone else but thought I was just born that way. Back then mental health was not a subject that was openly discussed and the signs mostly went unrecognised and untreated. I had about 10 years of talk therapy with a social worker that helped immensely.

I have had a sensitive digestive system for a good portion of my life, not so much that I sought treatment, just things like indigestion with certain foods, bloating and the like. I suppose I thought everyone had those types of issues.

I have also had nervous system reactions over the past 15 years, like involuntary shaking in certain situations, that I had put down to getting older and being less resilient having been through a lot of difficult challenges.

I have been seeing a psychotherapist who also does somatic work (turns out you were right mmmekitty, I did need some more help). The first session of somatic work, in this case EFT (tapping), brought up a deep and long standing belief that I did not deserve to be helped. The emotions were buried so deep that I was not even aware of them. After that session things went haywire physically for a few days and took some weeks to start to settle.

Being the type of person who needs to have an understanding of what is happening and why, I have been reading many books on the symptoms I have had. That is when I began to join the dots about how interconnected by mental and physical health actually were. It has required a lot of processing on my part, and an acknowledgement of what I have been consciously unaware of, but it has been necessary to finding a way forward. This will be an ongoing journey as new symptoms show up that need to be looked at.

I know now that there is a lot of unreleased trauma in my body that is a contributing factor in not healing mentally or physically and I know now what needs to be done to improve. There is only so much that the medical profession can do, I believe the rest of the responsibility lies with us in digging deeper to find the causes and the answers. In many ways, that in itself becomes empowering.

Take care all.

indigo

[therising]

Hi indigo

I have an absolutely shocking memory at times. I do now recall you touching on certain elements of spirituality. As I say, my memory is a shocker. I hope you don't take my poor memory personally 🙂❤️. Certain elements of spirituality can be easy to love, I think because some of what's outside the square tends to work when little inside the square can make a difference. So, it becomes about naturally gravitating toward what's outside the square (sometimes out of pure desperation), with pleasant surprises to be found.

While emotional detachment can end up being a seriously handy skill in some cases, it can definitely also lead to sufferance. We can end up consciously or non consciously thinking 'I'll detach from this, it'll make things easier. I'll detach from that, it'll make things less heartbreaking. I'll detach from these people and those people, these situations and those situations. I'll push it all down, so I won't feel it'. Such a strategy can offer some relief until it all comes bubbling to the surface or it leaves us feeling what 'numb' feels like or it leaves us feeling detached in many ways. I suppose the emotions are still there, they just take on a different form. With the 'normal' ways of living, according to those that came before us, feelings are seen as the kind of 'foolish things that can get in the way of life', rather than them being regarded as a part of our compass, directing us through life. I think with certain elements of spirituality becoming more mainstream and with certain areas of science now recognising there's something to some of that 'woo woo stuff' 😁, interesting times lay ahead. There's far more access to the kind of things we need more of in the way of self understanding.

[indigo22]

Hi therising,

I totally get the memory thing, I think it comes with the territory, I have blocks of memory missing from my younger years.

I assume you know when I say spirituality, that I am not referring to religion. It's more about diving into the layers of who we actually are rather than what we have been brainwashed to believe for centuries.

I am not sure I would still be here if I hadn't detached, I was in a seriously bad state with consistent ideation for a couple of years. It was a coping strategy that worked when it was needed but is no longer needed. My role models did not handle emotions well at all. I have been stuffing them down since I was very young so heaven knows what will surface during the somatic work. Whatever comes up, I will be glad to release it finally. My psychotherapist has made the observation that I found strategies that helped me to survive and become more 'resilient', which is the same word my Social Worker used to describe me when I was doing talk therapy a few years ago.

Hope you are having lovely evening,

indigo

[therising]

Hi indigo

I think we find what works until it doesn't and then we graduate above and beyond that, to the next thing that works. Looking back, we can then say 'I can now understand why I adopted that strategy under the circumstances, with my limited knowledge at the time'. I think that's a way of being kinder to our self, instead of chastising our self for being 'foolish' or something along those lines. 

I believe the most enjoyable thing about spirituality involves it allowing us to be a collector of ideas and practices. As we travel along life's path, with our trusty backpack, we can say 'I'll take a bit of that, maybe from Christianity, a bit of this from Buddhism, some of that from...'. So, we're never collecting any of the soul destroying elements of certain religions or faiths, only the soulful tools, ideas and practices. Our backpack is filled with a hotch potch of all the things that work for us.

I've found spirituality to promote a sense of wonder. I find it interesting, all the people in my life who simply refuse to wonder or imagine. For example, I've asked a number of people 'Do you ever hear the word 'you' in your inner dialogue or variations on that, as in 'You have got to leave that job' or 'You're hopeless' etc? I've been genuinely surprised by the number of people I know who actually relate to the 'you' factor. When I've asked them whether they wonder where that comes from, most refuse to wonder. They just flat out refuse. Personally, I can't help but wonder. Of course, there are plenty of theories on it, where it comes from. The thing I like about spirituality is it offers all possibilities, from many angles or perspectives. From psychological ones (elements of the ego talking to us), through to physiological ones (it's the way the brain's designed to work, with different parts communicating with other parts) and all the way through to intuition (natural guidance). Btw, I think a lot of people have the impression that spirituality rejects science, therefor it can be hard to have an open discussion about what could be classed as guidance. As I say to some folk I know 'I'm not asking you to believe in a particular idea, I'm simply asking you to imagine the possibility of it'.

I'll leave you with an amusing and fascinating article I read some time back, that I hope leads you to smile. Of course, given my memory, I may have already mentioned it 😁. The article was published in 2019. It involved a couple of researchers from Yale School of Medicine. While they were researching schizophrenia, they had the idea of interviewing people who hear voices yet don't suffer through hearing voices or dialogue like people with schizophrenia do. After gaining no ground with various groups of people, one of the 2 researchers noticed on his way home from work one day the number of stores that advertised 'Psychic readings'. He decided, with his colleague, to interview psychics who proclaim to hear voices (through clairaudience). As they mentioned, their research had nothing to do with believing or disbelieving in psychics, it was largely about finding out how these particular people manage the voices they hear (the good and the bad). A battery of tests, including brain scans, were performed in gaining a better understanding of 'voice hearing'. Through such an outside the square idea, they gained a lot of ground in their research. I smile when I say that I wonder what came to mind for that researcher on his way home. Perhaps it was something along the lines of 'This is completely outside the square but why don't you try interviewing psychics'. 😅

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

I have not replied to your latest thread because it is quite a specific subject and I want to allow someone a chance to respond who may have had that type of experience. I am so sorry you are being treated that way, you did the right thing walking away, but there is no controlling the way others will react to you standing up for what you believe to be the right thing. I find it difficult to understand that racial bias is still so rife, but I suppose it has a lot to do with the way people are raised and the lack of questioning their own beliefs. I am sure that you and I are very much alike in taking each person as they come regardless of their race. In fact, what race they are doesn't even enter my thoughts until I ask where they are from out of curiosity.

I hope the letter you have written will make the person think twice about the effect that kind of belief and conversation can have on others. I am so proud of you for walking away, it send a very loud message that needs to be heard.

Please keep me update on any progress.

My thoughts are with you,

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo,

Thank you so much for your support. I was doing my shopping in a neighbouring town yesterday. After getting home the neighbours seem to have gone quieter in terms of the verbal persecuting of me that I’ve had to listen to on a daily basis. I’m wondering if the woman who I wrote the letter to has read it and told them about it. I seriously doubt they will be in any way apologetic and will probably stick by their prejudice, but they might at least stop continuously having a go at me. I feel like something has energetically shifted and I’ve managed to stand tall in the face of racism. At the end of the day, I think they probably know deep down they are wrong in their prejudice but they cling to it nonetheless. And, yes, I’m sure it is the way they have been brought up and the dominant attitudes that have prevailed in their world.

In a way they’ve done me a favour in that I can feel I really don’t belong in my town. I’m already planning to leave now, though it may take me a few months to work out the logistics and exactly where to go. I need to be somewhere where there is more open-mindedness and open-heartedness. I have noticed a tendency to persecute in this town over any issue that doesn’t fit a narrow definition of what is considered “normal”. I can actually feel the social pressure others feel to toe the line in order to fit in and I cannot conform to that.

I will just have to protect myself for the remainder of time that I’m living here. I feel strong and clear though and it’s given me the impetus to change things and move on.

How are you going? I hope it has been a good week.

Take care,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo, 

Thank you kindly for your support. I did reply to you a while ago but it hasn’t appeared. I haven’t received a message from mod support so I don’t know if it’s stuck in moderation or disappeared into the ether. I’ll just wait to see if it appears.

 Hope you you have been going ok and that you have a lovely weekend.

Thanks again 🙏

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

I reported the missing post over the weekend and it has shown up now.

Wow, you have made some seriously good progress recently. You are so much more sure of yourself and it is a delight to hear how you are able to manage situations that a few months ago would have been unmanageable for you.

I have no doubt you will find the right location where you will be welcome and unhampered by social pressures. No one should need to conform to the needs of the few who think they have all the power. I found my location and it is a large enough population so that not everyone knows everyone else's business, but small enough to avoid the traffic and parking problems of a larger town. I know my neighbours and we are very friendly but we are not in each others pockets. For me it is the perfect scenario and I know you will find something similar that is your perfect scenario.

I think I am making a bit of progress also although I can't necessarily verbalise it yet, it's more a feeling at the moment. I only have 4 more appointments with my therapist before she goes on maternity leave for 12 months. She is going to try to find someone she feels would be suitable for my needs to fill in during that time, most likely on line as there are not a lot of therapists like her this far from the larger towns but I am okay with that.

Hope you have a lovely week and get to spend some time in nature doing what you love.

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you indigo 🙏

Your town sounds like a good balance in terms of its size. I feel like it would be good for me to be a part of a community where a bit more is happening. The place I’m now thinking of is quite a bit larger actually. It would mean more things happening in terms of arts and cultural things, a movie cinema, social groups etc. When I arrived in my current town my mental and physical health totally collapsed. It didn’t matter at all that it was quiet and I still love the quiet actually. But I feel socially isolated here and increasingly like I don’t fit. I had thought it might be my forever home but that now starts to feel like a trap that will restrict my well-being and happiness in the long term.

Right now I’m sitting under a beautiful tree canopy on a forest walk in a neighbouring town. I’m about to do some grocery shopping here. I find myself not wanting to go home so it is obviously a strong drive at the moment to not be there.

I’m glad you feel you are making some progress. Yes, I know what you mean. Sometimes you can feel things are shifting even if there are not words for it yet. It is good your current therapist can refer you on to someone else for a while. My sessions with my psych are online and it really works fine. It makes it so easy too, just connecting from your own home.

 Hope you have a lovely week too. Thanks so much again for your support ☺️

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

I just wanted to check in with you to see how things are going. I have been a bit busy answering posts and realised we haven't connected for a couple of weeks.

Are you still working through Mark's book and the exercises? If so, how is that going?

Have you had any more thoughts about where you might want to relocate to?

Would love to hear how you are and what you have been doing since we last spoke.

Hope you are having a good weekend,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo,

Thank you so much for getting in touch. Well I planned to do the exercises in Mark's book but I seem to have gone down a similar path without doing them yet, especially in relation to some healing-in-family-context issues which seem to be now shifting and moving into a healing pattern anyway. But I did listen to a podcast with Mark last night after going to bed and I get much benefit from what he has to say. And I still want to do the exercises! One thing I am noticing is an increased capacity to begin to go through stuff of my parent's including things involving projects they started that were part of their dreams in life but they could never actualise. The fact that I can even consider looking at those things now without being destroyed by grief is significant progress.

I am going to a couple of locations in a few days to look at a possible new place to live, much bigger than where I am now. I've been drawn to the remote all my life as a way of escaping people in order to feel safe. I've realised the only time my nervous system is completely at ease is in nature where no people are present. As soon as I see a person I go into automatic hypervigilance, even though I like people and I'm still friendly with them. But I'm learning that with complex trauma you can only heal in relationship with others, not in isolation. The past wounding was interpersonal, and so the only way to fully heal is through healthy, corrective interpersonal experiences that let me know people can be safe.

I am considering a regional centre to live in that is proximate to a city - in another state! So although it is a bit of a cost to me to travel there I have managed to get discount airfares and accommodation and I will get a feel if it's the right place. The part of me guiding myself there is like that innate knowing part, like something bigger than me is guiding me. I just found myself making the bookings for things, like a deeper part of me knows this is what I need to do. If I stay here, I can feel I am going to stagnate more and more over time. I feel safe in the physical environment here and it has held me while I have gone through so much pain, but the human environment does not feel right for me and I have a feeling I will never quite belong here. It's actually a good sign I want to reconnect somewhat with the world of people, that I am less shutdown than I was. And I just need to find some like-minded souls I can feel genuinely safe with. I think I'm someone who will always have a need for my own space, but balanced with meaningful contact with others.

How have you been going? Was your therapist able to link you up with someone else while she is away? In some ways it feels like you've had some similar experiences to me, such as that feeling of kind of losing family. I can empathise with what it feels like when you don't have that kind of safety net or familial context in which to kind of feel belonging in. But I'm finding for myself that there is also something freeing in being my own agent and being able to start directing my life into contexts where I do feel connection and belonging. It sounds like you have made some good connections, such as with your good therapist who is on the same wavelength.

I hope you are having a lovely weekend indigo and thanks again for being so kind and thoughtful 🙏😊