First time to reach out in a long time

[Kram21]

Im a 52 year old male that suffers chronic pain and depression for many years. It has cost me most of my "friends" my wife and I see no way out.Last month or so I have been falling back down the dark hole and I can see no end in site.I have lost 2 friends ( in Thailand ) due to covid and many more there are suffering the economic effect of it. Yes they are worse off than me and I guess I feel guilty of just being a sook. I have battled depression for over 15 years and most of the time I manage to keep it fairly normal. Last month I have been loosing control of it and I dont know how to stop it. Now some days I dont even get out of bed ( apart to go to toilet and get water ) My body hurts I sleep a LOT and find pleasure in nothing. I dont want to end up the suicidal train wreck I was years ago as I dont think I have the strength to go through that again. Times are tough for everyone I know but I have no real trigger for this to happen to me now.

Thanks for listening to the rant of a soon to be crazy mad man AHHA

[Sophie_M]

Hi Kram21,

Sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time with your chronic pain and depression. It sounds like it really has cost you a lot in your life. It must be so tough to be dealing with the grief of your two friends and also seeing the suffering and economy decline in Thailand. It can be difficult to get out of bed or do anything when depression creeps in and we would like to offer you some support. We have contacted you privately regarding this. 

There are also other services for you to access whenever you need them. We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 

MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/ 

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

You are not alone and we are all here to support you. This community is always here to listen to you and to hear your story. 

[Kram21]

Thanks for reaching out.

Im not suicidal stage yet and hope I dont get there again. I know there are people that need the service more than I do at this time and I know there are limited recourses. Yes Im on medication for depression and yes I have been taking them. I have withdrawn from society and isolated myself this time. Nothing to do with covid Iso I just dont feel like talking to people. I have no idea why I posted here but I guess it was in the hope someone had a great idea for me.

Thanks again

[Kram21]

Is anyone else out there have their loved one overseas and unable to be with them? It is taking its toll on me but not the only factor

[Whippet24]

Hi Kram,

I see you using phrases like 'I feel guilty of being a sook' and 'there are people that need the service more than me' and I want to assure you (if you're thinking this way) that your depression is just as real and valid as anyone else's. Maybe I'm projecting because I have thoughts like that sometimes, where I think of all the good things in my life and then think that I should be more grateful and I just need to 'suck it up'.

Personally, I've really benefitted from going to psychologists for years because it allows me to hash out my feelings and negative thoughts in a completely safe and judgement-free environment i.e. where the person has no preconceptions of me which, in a weird way, gives me comfort. If thats not your thing thats fine.

Also have you thought of having like regular catchups with loved ones via Zoom or some other program like that? That could be a good way to connect with people who live far away. For example, I've been having Netflix Watch Parties with family that ive really loved and were pretty easy to set up.

[Kram21]

Yes I skype my love but it is not the same. I would be in Thailand if I could but I cant as we dont have a shared bank account. Im not an antivaxer but I cant get it here. Im not over 60 and under 30 ffs. I went outside tonight and saw the stars and I am thinking to see them. My love thinks Im crazy now and I will loose her too. Im all alone depressed so why go on?

[Kram21]

Out side for first time in 2 days. No one there. Tenant come home and I loose my shet

dam this

[Kram21]

Spiral down and down. Im out of touch . no way out. I have not been this dark for a long time. Last time didnt end well for anyone . Im none aggressive to others. I think I have lost touch with the real world. How did I go from normal to mental in a few hours?? What a ride, Ill tell you all if I come out the other side

[Sophie_M]

Hi Kram21,

We are so sorry to hear about what you're going through; it sounds like it has been a tough time. Thank you for being part of our forums, it takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support. If you want further support you can reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14.  If you feel unable to keep yourself safe please call 000 (triple zero).

[Summerinvincible]

Hi Kram21

I hope you are safe. I’m sorry you’re going through this ridiculously tough time.
You’re not a ‘sook’ and your feelings are completely valid. I hope to hear an update from you soon.