First time posting

[OllieOnline]

lately ive wished that my family didn’t exist so I could end my pain

[Sophie_M]

Hello OllieOnline, 

Thank you so much for your post and welcome to the forums. 

It seems like things are very tough for you right now, so we are really glad to see you are reaching out. 

We know how hard it is to feel like our pain is too much to manage, and it sounds like this part of you really needs some support and nurturing. 

What support do you feel you most need right now? Perhaps we can start there? 

You might also find Lifeline and Suicide Callback Service are very helpful resources for you to explore at the moment too. 

Lifeline Australia - 13 11 14 - Crisis Support. Suicide Prevention.
Mental health counselling | Suicide Call Back Service

Please know that whilst these feelings can be very overwhelming, our community are here for you. And more importantly, they understand what it's like to feel this way. So, don't hesitate to reach out and read or comment on others' posts, or call our support line directly - we are available 24/7. 

Talk to a counsellor - Beyond Blue - Beyond Blue 

Warm regards, 
Sophie M. 

[therising]

Hi OllieOnline

My heart truly goes out to you as you struggle so much with how to live life. While being able to relate to depression, I've found 'anchor people' can be seen in 2 ways. They can either be seen and felt as an unbearable weight that stops us from moving on (in the way you describe) or they can be seen and felt as anchoring us to this world to ensure that we don't leave it while we're facing such incredibly depressing challenges. Having come out of a depression, we can end up being incredibly grateful for our anchors. In the meantime, 'How to manage the need or temptation to leave?' becomes the question.

I've found, through my own experience, it pays to become conscious of the nature of the people who keep us here. Sometimes this can help explain things, such as why we feel the way we do. While there are those who love us, ensuring we don't leave this world, are those same people actually raising us in the ways we need them to? Some of these ways may include

• raising us to become more conscious of what our deeply depressing struggles or challenges are really about. Raising us to become more conscious of why we feel those struggles or challenges in the ways we do (mentally, physically, chemically, emotionally, soulfully or on a soul destroying level etc)
• raising us to different perspectives. Different perspectives, beyond our current perspective, can end up being liberating in certain ways but they need to be perspectives we can relate to. What we can't relate to will not change our mind or the way we see things or experience life
• raising us through words. Well meaning people can be triggering, with words such as 'You'll be right' or 'You just need to smile more' or 'You just need to get on with life' or 'You need to stop being so sensitive' and the list goes on. If the goal is to be raised upwards out of a depression, none of these well meaning words 1)raise us or 2)offer any sense of direction. If we're deeply feeling people, we'll be able to feel the words that raise us, inspire us, shift our perspective, offer some degree of enlightenment, direction and dopamine etc. We'll be able to feel the words that make no difference at all, keeping us where we are. We'll also be able to feel the words that bring us down even further
• raising us to reach certain goals (no matter how big or tiny) so that we can gain some sense of direction, progress and achievement

It's a long list, so I won't go on.

Took me decades to work out that my circle of anchor people must include someone who is going to raise me in certain ways, especially when I'm in a depression. It can feel impossible to live without such a person or such people. It can feel incredibly depressing at times, trying to raise our self on our own.

[tranzcrybe]

Your pain and your family might be mutually exclusive.

Wishing for one thing to enable another avoids discussion about the essential problems you are facing and can lead to resentment, guilt, or blame on both sides.

Raise your concerns for how you wish your life to be navigated on your own terms to find an understanding.

Sometimes we endure pain to keep the peace, while at others we seek some justification for those in our lives as being the source of our discontent.