first time...first post

clovercreek · ‎26-06-2014

hi,

So...gah i dont know how to really start, I think i have found myself here at Beyond Blue because ultimately i feel alone with this. I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression about 6 months ago, it was about 9 months ago that i first had a 'breakdown' of sorts and started seeing a psych and looking into medication. I am finding it all very difficult...even as i right this now my anxiety is telling me to stop and delete it, shut the computer off because no one will want to listen to your petty complaints, plus your grammar is probably woeful!

i have a lot of time at the moment to myself (whether this is a good thing or not), i have one part time job and a supportive partner who i happy for me to take time to 'get well', not that he really understands what that means. I am therefore alone for the majority of each day and that is how i like it. I am worried i am getting to dependent on this time and am now actively hiding from the world even more. I suffer all the usual symptoms that comes from googling 'depression symptoms' but i cant get past how stupid i feel every day. I still dont believe i have depression i feel as though I must be making it up, i dont really have anything wrong with me, i'm just lazy and can't be bothered trying so i will pretend to be ill.

also i am having great difficulty with medication and was hoping for some advice from others...i was originally put on medication which went up pretty quickly after i realised that it was having little to no effect. This made me very numb and ruined what was left of my sleeping patterns. I felt as though i couldnt really be happy or sad, instead of being able to cry i would have mini panic attacks. I had very bad withdrawal as i was changing to a new drug, i have started on a dose and am at least 21 days in, which is how long they tell you to test it for...i am not feeling like the side effects are going away. I am constantly fatigued, very sleepy, and almost everyday suffering one, more or all of the following; insomnia, nausea, headaches, dizziness, vertigo, constipation, diarrhoea, sweating, hot flushes, and heightened anxiety.

any advice would be greatly welcomed. thanks so much.

CC

geoff · ‎26-06-2014

dear CC, thank you for being able to post a comment here, it's never easy to start your first post because you maybe worried about what any of us are going to say, but on this site we are only people who are still struggling with depression or who come out the other side.

I am a lucky one in that I fought depression for so long it's hard to remember, but for a very long time, so I understand what you are going through, just as all the responders will also have concerns for you.

Please anyone who is asking for help is never being petty, far from that, because they have a condition which they can never understand why it all of a sudden has just happened, depression is a debilitating disease, and sometimes there are reasons why we have it, but other times there just doesn't seem to be a reason why.

In these situations we can never pin point a reason why, it just suddenly appears, and being diagnosed with 'clinical depression' is a very serious matter, that requires professional attention.

Please don't worry about your grammar, that is of no concern, we all make mistakes, so what you have to say comes across loud and clear.

One worry is that you are alone most of the day, which in turn breeds negative thoughts, but I can't blame you for doing so, because depression wants us to be by ourselves so that it can force us into a deeper state of illusion, and that's exactly what I wanted, to be by myself so that I could self medicate with alcohol, I didn't want any company.

In your situation you don't need anything to be wrong, you didn't ask for this illness, it just arrived with no explanation, and that's what this disease does.

With regard to your medication these side-effects are pretty awful, because every time I had nausea I would ask for anti- nausea tablets or injections, which only made me vomit, but this may not happen to you or anyone else, but by doing so made me feel much better, but I still hated it.

I think I tried about 6 or so different brands of AD's and have ended up taking SSRI which my body can cope with, but it was annoying, having to dry out etc. but the doctor could have given you something to ease this before you could start another one.

I am running out of words to type, but under 'resources' at the top of this page order all the printed material from BB which is free, and this will help your boyfriend understand what depression is all about, it may also help you as well.

Hope to hear from you soon. L Geoff. x

ann_s · ‎27-06-2014

Hi CC,

I'm not sure about you but have you had people call you lazy before? I used to get this a lot and started to believe it. I read somewhere once that "lazy people don't care about being lazy" so if you care about the fact you aren't getting much done, it means you aren't actually lazy 🙂 It is hard mindest to get out of, and unfortunately is one of the reasons many of us wait so long to get help. Well done to posting on here and hitting the send button, it;s an excellent first step 🙂

By the way - noone is going to think what you have written here is petty. The whole point of these forums is to get it off your chest!

With medication I have heard it can take up to 8 weeks for some people to have a positive affect. The other thing I was told is that they are more of a "gentle push". This is what my psychologist told me and went against what I originally thought, I had expected to wake up one day and all of a sudden feel completely better. I was lucky enough not to have side effects past week 2 though. I did have some bad side effects (racing heart) and went straight to the GP next day who put it down to a panic attack. The moral of the story - express your concerns to your GP and psychologist do what they suggest. It can be very hard, to start with I kept googling everything and wondering why what my GP/psychologist was different and in the end decided to trust them and take things slowly.

Why are you hiding from the world? Do you feel anxious when there a lot of people around? Have you tried maybe seeing just one friend one on one? I prefer to stay at home by myself too, but find one on one is quite rewarding. I still can't deal with large social events though, esp with strangers. Or is it because you simply don't have the energy? Have to admit I just stayed in the house for a couple of weeks when I was at my worst. It felt safe and required little effort. Gradually I wanted to get out more and just did small things like walking into town to look at the shops etc. I don't actually mind being around strangers when it's not a social situation so walking into town works well 🙂

Anyway - take care and hope to hear from you soon. Welcome to the forums!

Princess · ‎27-06-2014

Hi CC, I'm only new to this 'business' as well and I really understood every word that you had the courage to put on this forum!! I was feeling exactly the same. I've tried a couple of medications, the second one made me have all the symptoms you described to I was put on another one which seems to work although it makes me drowsy and my brain seems to function a little slower. It all takes time, so they keep telling me, to find the right medication.

I have good days and I have bad days. Just when I think I'm on the mend, BAM wake up teary and the bad day has arrived at my station. I too only work part time now and my partner is supportive (a little too much at times to the point where I think he is overprotective on me) but I know his heart is in the right place. Here's me trying to give you advice, but I do love sitting outside on a sunny day and listen to music - sometimes it's the simple things that get me through the day. Hang in there CC. It appears we're not alone in our 'struggle'!!

clovercreek · ‎30-06-2014

Thank you all for your responses...they have not gone unread or unnoticed...it is harder to respond than I thought it would be. It is very nice to know I am being heard and seen by someone at least! I am supposed to start a new contract job tomorrow and am very nervous about having regular 'get up' times and the Idea of regular meals...none of these things ever bode well for me. Sometimes i think that I like having depression because it gives me an excuse to do what I want (which with depression is stay in bed, sleep and block out the world). I do understand that, that is the depression but the idea or thought of fighting it or getting better is so terrifying that I find myself immobilized. I often feel like I would rather stay asleep...than face anything. I just wonder how-really-anyone else gets up and faces it when they feel like this. I hate depression-it is an illness that even I can not understand.

geoff · ‎30-06-2014

dear CC, starting this new job, do you need this for financially reasons only, which is really a silly question because we all need money, and I only ask this because I'm not too sure if you are well enough. L Geoff. x

clovercreek · ‎30-06-2014

Hey...It is for my supposed career choice which is very hard to 'get in to' and has been lined up for months...so I don't feel like I have much choice. I also feel like if worst comes to worst I can 'pull it together' does that sound terrible? I think so.

I genuinely wish i could curl up in a ball and hide from every one and all responsibility...I saw my parents the other day and they just make me feel sooo much worse. They don't get it, it's all about them, and they don't really want to know me for the person I am they want me to keep being the person I was or the one they think I am. I can't stand it.

White_Rose · ‎30-06-2014

Dear CC

I can relate to everything you have written. I was diagnosed with serious clinical depression and found it hard to accept. I also was convinced that it was just me being lazy, or stupid, that no one was interested in me and my problems etc. etc. etc. It's taken a long time to get over many of these things and even now I find myself slipping back into my old ways.

It's a bit of a catch 22. I have a bit of a bad day, convince myself that I am worthless, feel worse, everyone is fed up with me, feel worse, wonder what life is about and so it goes on.

The only difference I can see is that I was too terrified to stay at home alone. I live alone so that makes a difference. I went to work to escape my thoughts or like you went to bed. It really is the pits.

But now I am much further along the path I am suddenly starting to see things a bit more clearly. At least I understand that getting well again is not a straight path. Plenty of twists and turns, especially U turns, lots of obstacles and monsters. But before I depress you even further let me say it does come to an end.

What I have got from your post is another reassurance that the way I have felt in the past in normal and that even with "relapses" I am getting well again. I never knew how comforting it could be to find that other people are as devastated by this illness as I am. Sounds naive I know but I really thought I was the only person who had these things wrong and therefore I must be crazy.

It's true that only someone who has been there can give hope and reassurance. No matter what the psychs say, unless they have experienced depression and are willing to talk about it, it's hard to believe them when they say you will recover. Now I have to eat my words and admit they do know a few things.

So after my long rant I want to assure you that you can and will get well again. I'm here to testify to that. The road is hard and the more you fight against it the worse it gets. So take one step at a time and focus on that, not on the end goal, it's too far away.

Big hugs

LING

clovercreek · ‎10-07-2014

i find it hard to post. but thank you for your comments. they help.

Daffodil · ‎10-07-2014

Hi CC, I have only just joined these forums a couple of days ago & have found the posts very interesting & heartwarming. It does make you feel that we are not alone with our Depression. I have recently attended an Induction Day so that I can become a Volunteer Speaker to get my personal story out there & to hopefully raise awareness for this illness & also to hopefully help people recover with some of the techniques I use. I am currently well at the moment but continue to take medication. A couple of things that help me which I swear by are firstly to get out of bed as soon as you wake up each day. Next I always go for a walk for about 1/2 an hour, this helps immensely. Another strategy is to write a simple of list of jobs to do & cross them off as I go. This is a sense of achievement at the end of the day, no matter how small the tasks are on the list. I try to alienate myself from the outside world, but I find that just makes things worse. As hard & difficult as it is, I really try & stick to my routine (part time job & housewife/mother duties). Hope this gives you some help?? Take care, Carolyn