Feels like depression is my comfort zone

[Lambofsam]

This is extremely difficult for me to talk about, as it always is when I even try to talk about my depression and anxiety.

I'm 26 year old male who worries about eveything, was in a long relationship about to get married, and she ended it (which was the best thing for both of us, but lonlyness is a hell of a thing), everytime I get close to being a little happier I screw it up for myself,still hung up on my father's deaths when I was 17. . I quit my dream job out of fear of time off due to endless hours of wanting to end it, pretty much every day and I had to put on a face of basic maleness as just pretend shit was good. It got to the point where I just couldn't do it anymore so I left.

I have tried to hold 2 jobs since then but all I seem to do is struggle getting out of bed and have to try and get through it. I'm on my third job now which I actually enjoy, everyone is nice and I enjoy the work. But I have had time off and I'm so early into the job again. I'm back on my medication on a high dose which has messed me up big time. Headaches, feeling worthless, the usual?

Today I had to take another day off because I had a massive panic attack before I was about to leave and just felt off, feeling numb and just not myself today. I don't know what to do, I'm probabaly going to lose my job in the end I think.

Honestly it feels ever since everything that's happened, I try and I try but it never gets better, it always just goes back to shit.

I don't know what to do anymore. If you read this thank you.

[SammyB]

Hi Lambofsam,

Sending you a warm welcome. I recognise how challenging it can be to talk openly about your depression and anxiety, especially how draining it can be to communicate your struggles, which can often bring up some unhelpful thoughts and feelings. I appreciate you sharing. It sounds like you’ve had to manage a lot of grief throughout your life which can seem to come and go and re-surface at times we least expect it. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. It sounds like this was an extremely overwhelming time for you especially with the expectation that you could not express your feelings and emotions which I would guess has made it difficult to work through your loss. I can imagine this experience of ‘putting on a face’ to also be very exhausting and as you've mentioned, has made depression feel like your comfort zone. Yet, time and time again you have shown to be able to make it through these tough moments, while also managing several jobs, so I definitely admire your strength in pushing forward. In regards to your relationship coming to an end, while acknowledging that it was the best decision for you and your partner, it is still a loss which can trigger some strong emotions including grief. From what I've gathered, it sounds like medication has been helpful to you previously? However, I would suggest checking in with your health professional if you’re concerned about certain side effects.

I’m wondering if your employers would be able to accommodate you at work, that is, if you’d feel safe in disclosing your mental health with your manager? I understand this can be a challenge in itself but it can be helpful to create a support network at work and even at outside of work to help manage any hard times. Is there anyone you would feel comfortable turning to? If not or if you’re not sure how to start the conversation, we are here to help. Hope today's been a better day for you.

Sammy