Feelings words aren't my forte

[Guest_485]

My name is Kait. I have a multitude of acronyms that go with my name, CDC, GAD, OCD,PTSD just to name a few. I am lucky, because I have incredibly supportive friends and family behind me, as well as a really good doctor and a fantastic psychologist. I have access to all this help, but alas - I am lacking a fundamental skill. I cannot, in the 20 years I have been living this part of my life, talk about feelings. I'm not talking about struggling to establish rapport with someone, I mean that I can't actually recognize most emotions. Thank God for my support network. They understand that "it feels like wanting to throw a chair" means, "I'm angry", and "there's an elephant sitting on my chest", means "I'm anxious". Does anyone else have this problem? Like your mind has shut down completely to emotions, and you can only recognize physiological symptoms?

Telling my story is difficult, only because I can never get the "feelings words" right.

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[Neil_1]

Hi there Kait

And welcome to Beyond Blue;  thank you also for providing your post.

You've provided a really great introduction and a little background which is always awesome;  that gives us 'fellow sufferers' a little bit of information, so we might be able to try to help advise, guide you;  but overall, when coming to Beyond Blue two things happen:  (a)  no-one is ever judged on this site;  & (b) everyone receives as much support as we can give out (well, you know, via a computer/keyboard kind of thing;  but I can tell you, the compassion and support on this site IS real and is brilliant).

It's so pleasing to read that you've got so many mechanisms set in place to assist you with your mental health issues.  This is great to know and I do hope that everything that you have happening is working as best as it can for you.

Now I'm no expert at all;  just a fellow sufferer, who has had many many sessions with psyches and counsellors, etc;  and if I may, I would like to ask a couple of questions to you?   (You said, "yes, that's fine").  Oh good, thanx Kait.  🙂

When you say you get angry, that you want to throw a chair - is there something that sets you off to make you feel that way?  Is it one thing that you can think of that sets you to thinking that?  I only ask that, because I can't think that you'd be wanting to throw a chair all the time?  Well, I hope not anyway - not good for the furniture in your home.

Similarly about the chest and the elephant scenario - is there (or are there) things or a thing that you could say that made you feel this way?

I would now like to say that I found your post and your writing to be highly effective in getting your message across - in that you know how to express yourself very well.  So when you say, you seem to not be able to get the "feelings words" right, I actually think you could - ok ok, I don't know you at all;  but I just get the feel that you would be able to express in words certain things.  And you know, it's not even that - not to express things - it's simply to write down things;  HOW you feel;  and if you can add WHY you feel that way or WHAT made you feel that way, that'd be awesome.  That'd be a big step forward as well.

I'm about out of characters so will send this;  I would have loved to have written more, but will send;  and I really hope you can post back again.

Kind regards

Neil

[White_Rose]

Hello Kait

I join Neil in welcoming you to Beyond Blue. Great to have you on board. As Neil has already commented, you have told us your story really well and I believe I get your frustration.  I would have responded earlier but I have been away for a few days, so I do hope you come back and read these posts. Also that you will respond to us.

Putting a name to an emotion can be difficult. There are times when I know I feel something but I'm not sure what it is or how to label it. My response is to do exactly what you do, describe what is happening or how it makes me feel, and what I want to do with it.

Sometimes I get a little scared when I say something like, " I want to hit him or her". I am afraid that it sounds as though I am a violent person but in reality what I am expressing is some form of frustration or anger and I'm not sure which. All I know is that I am stirred up and need a way to release my emotion.

One of the options to take care of this is to do a physical activity. Perhaps a walk or run, gardening or even,and this is a last resort for me, do some housework. I'm not the domestic type.

But there is another way to return to a quieter mind. Talking can be most beneficial, especially when talking to someone you trust. e.g. friend, psych, family member. Also you could try writing down how you feel.  In your post you described a couple of emotions very well. Perhaps expanding on the emotion of the time and trying to work out where it come from may help. Writing down your thoughts and feelings is a good way to clarify those thoughts and feelings buzzing around in your mind. There is also the advantage that you can show your writing to your psych at your next meeting. Psychs are usually good at drawing out further meanings and helping you manage.

All of the above suggestions come under the heading of venting. I know going for a run does not sound like this, but what you are doing id releasing the stress hormones from your body. Talking, writing, activities. They are all ways of releasing the emotions so that you can go back and look at the situation more clearly. This helps you to understand what happened and start planning how to manage more constructively next time.

I do hope you reply to us soon.

Regards

Mary

[Guest_485]

Hey Neil,
Thank you so much for your kind words. Sorry it has taken so long to reply, there were some technical glitches that spooked me off a little bit, but I figure I'd persevere for a little while. Vulnerability is something I try to actively avoid, even from behind a keyboard. Probably why my psychologist set me this challenge haha.

So, I carry the label of, "high functioning". I work 2 jobs, and study full time, and have established compartmentalization skills. But there are times when those thoughts completely overrun me, and I actually have to take a week off to try and get back on top of it all. I am actually very easily triggered, but will often have quite a delayed reaction, sometimes up to a fortnight later. It is a very frustrating and painful process, trying to trace episodes back to their roots. So I am trying really hard to learn to recognize emotions, instead of just constantly avoiding them.

We do a lot of written work. Not really much symbolism in the traditional sense, but just linking what thoughts like throwing a chair actually mean, you know?? I'm getting there reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally slowly, but there's been progress - which is nice for a change.

Thanks for making me feel so welcome. I really appreciate it 🙂
Kait.

[Guest_485]

Hey Mary,
Really nice to meet you. Thanks so much for your response, I really appreciate hearing people that understand where I'm coming from. Makes me feel less alien.

So exercise is a tricky one for me. Due to my insomnia, I am limited with when I can exercise. As well as that, I was a professional athlete until I was taken out by a career ending injury, so exercise can often bring my mood down, especially if my injuries flare up. It's just a reminder of the things I've lost. Trust me - going for a run sounds like HEAVEN. I just can't always do it when i want to. It depends on what my body is doing that day.

Reading, writing, listening to music, video games and playing my guitar or piano are my main go tos. I'm not a big talker, that often winds me up more than before I started. I like quiet company. I have a couple of friends that take me waterfall jumping at some local waterholes here. When I've had a bad day, its the perfect way for me to pick up and relax, if I want company. We don't talk, we just jump into the water. But sometimes I want to be completely alone. I take a gameboy and headphones with me wherever I go, so if I find myself starting to push it a little, I just enter that world for a while and have some zone out time.

I honestly can't recognize the emotions clearly enough to write about them, hence "it feels like" scenario replacements. Some days, I really beat myself up about that. Its so weird. But other days, I try to give myself some grace. In the same way I pick up learning music really easy, some people pick up the ability to clearly verbalize what they're feeling easily. That's just something I have to keep working at I guess.

And, just to clarify, I rarely actually throw things when I'm angry haha I hate breaking things. I try to just throw stones at the beach.

Thanks for replying, I love reading what other people have to say on these matters 🙂
Kait.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Kait

Absolutely awesome hearing back from you and great to get some more insights and of your thoughts.

It’s interesting that you wrote about compartmentalisation (that one word uses up a lot of characters!) skills;  I had a counsellor once tell me that doing that is not such a good thing as it’s kind of an avoidance method.   But then I went on to say (speaking personally here) when I’ve done and tried so many techniques and options and processes over the years and for the most part, nothing really worked – I decided that if shoving some things into a box in my mind helped, then hell yeah, I’d do it.  They thought the avoidance process of this wasn’t helping cause the issues are still there.   I discussed (not argued) that this is yes and no;  yes in their side of things, but no for my side of things, in that, if they could be boxed, then box ‘em up and who knows how long the box will remain closed.  The longer the better.

Also being able to lift and potentially throw a chair does take a bit of physical strength and fitness;   which out of a bad situation shows that you do possess a reasonable amount of physical fitness and in doing that, that’s also another good aspect to have going – healthy body = healthy mind.

One last thing;   I thought that Mary’s post to you provided some great comments and advice as well;  it’s always awesome reading from another person’s perspective as most times they can come up with advice, suggestions that they’ve used before to good effect.

Cheers

Neil

[White_Rose]

Hello Kait

Thanks for your reply. I did not suppose you actually carried out your "feels like" action. As I said, this is what happens to me also. But I do get a bit nervous telling others in case they asume I will carry through the action.

It's great that you have some activities to go to.  Pity about the exercise as it is such a good thing to do. Exercise has a huge relationship with depression etc. Having said that I must confess that I am rather lazy in that area. I will get out of exercise every chance I get. For me it really is a necessity to help with other areas of my life, but that does not make it more attractive.

You know, not being able to put a name to an emotion is not necessarily a bad thing and neither does it mean you are lacking in some way. I love listening to music and have tried to learn to play the piano with very limited success. Just cannot read the music quickly enough to play. I find it disappointing and frustrating. Listening to others play is great and it also makes me a little sad that I cannot do this.

I cannot paint either, much as I have tried. But I can embroider and complete jigsaw puzzles. I think if I concentrated on the things I cannot do I would be very sad all the time so I try to stay with my achievements. You may not be able to label your thoughts and feelings but you can describe them and really that is all that is necessary.

You could learn to identify emotions by associating the name with a particular emotion such as the elephant. And this could work when the feeling is the same as last time you identified the elephant.

My point is that people are often unaware of the name of the experience. I used to have paralysing panic attacks and all I could identify was fear. I could describe  the physical symptoms which led to a diagnosis of panic attack. Then the panic changed. I sat in my doctor's waiting romm and started to shake all over. Fortunately the doctor came and saw what was happening and gave me some oxygen.

This was good for me as I had no idea what was going on. I would not have identified it as panic. In fact I was wondering if I was having some form of seizure, which made my fear worse. Once explained I could relate it to other times this had happened and as my depression gradually improved (in the positive sense) the panic decreased.

Being able to name it did help, which is where you are coming from I suspect, but also just knowing that this feeling was identifiable was the most useful.

Regards

Mary