Feelings of shame - where do they stem from?

TheBigBlue · ‎11-04-2021

Hi Team,

I’ve been on a long journey in my battle with anxiety, depression & CPTSD. A few years on & find myself in a “better” mental position. I joined a local soccer team. It was a fantastic step as it meant I incorporated exercise into my routine, I get out of the house for training & game day & I’ve met some people from my local community.

Now we are an over 40’s team, so aren’t the fast, most athletic or skilfull team you might come across, but we can match it with the other teams in the comp.

So I’m unfit, haven’t exercised in over 10 years & it seems I have lost my sense of balance. I fell over twice in the trial match, & again today I fell over twice. My legs just turn to jelly & down I go. I can’t even stand/balance on one foot anymore.

so today I stacked it while trying to run, got up, tried to run & stacked it again. I felt fine, but my legs just weren’t working like they should. Immediately one of my team mates called for an interchange because they thought I was suffering hypoglycaemia (low blood glucose) with my type 1 diabetes. They did the right thing, they did the safe thing. But I knew it wasn’t low blood sugar. I wear a continuous glucose monitor which is stuck in my arm, & it communicates with my insulin pump. I just need to look at my pump screen & it tells me my numbers & gives me a graph so I can see how my levels are trending.

So I go off, people are offering me juice/candy etc but I did a blood test to double check & all was fine.

But the amount of shame I now feel is immense. The embarrassment of being uncoordinated, maybe having some weird balance issue I was unaware of, my diabetes, looking like a fool. I’ve been angry at myself all day. I don’t want to show my face to those teammates again cause I feel like I’m the one they have to treat “special”.

I grew up being ashamed of my type 1 diabetes diagnosis as people don’t understand the difference between type 1 & type 2, & just assume I ate the wrong things growing up. FYI type 1 is an autoimmune condition where your immune system destroys the beta cells in your pancreas. The beta cells are hat produces insulin. Once they are destroyed you can’t “fix” them or grow more. You rely on injected insulin for the rest of your life.

So now I have all this childhood shame back where I worry that people think “I don’t take proper care of myself” combined with the humiliation of falling over & im back to hating myself again.

Why is it being uncoordinated brought all that shame back? 😞

white knight · ‎12-04-2021

Hi, welcome

Things have come a long way. My brother born 1953 was 2yo when he was diagnosed with diabetes. My parents had to leave Tasmania to go to the mainland (where we stayed) so he could get good treatment from the Royal Childrens Hospital. He passed away at 26yo sadly.

He had many diabetic low glucose "turns" as we called them. He was on one needle a day which years later proved much of the problem. So many times he was in a public domain. He was a teacher so in front of pupils he got embarrassed also, at tennis, at the pool and so on. At 3.5 years younger than him I was caring for him always.

I'm 65yo now and what I've learned is that most of the population out there has some sort of medical issue. Epilepsy, blood clots, muscle issues, amputations, diseases, plates to strengthen broken bones etc. Many of these things are never brought to our attention as they can hide them if they wish. That might give you some solace that you arent alone with an issue.

You are more concenred for your shame, I get that. The only thing I can comfort you with is to say that most people if not all in your club is kind and compassionate. Most also do not worry about your issue unless it becomes an issue like the other day when they'll swing into action. So your embarrassment is justified however it should not last beyond the day the incident occurred. If you believe it is overtaking your thinking too much then a GP visit would be a good start to seek treatment.

All the best.

TonyWK

CalmCat · ‎12-04-2021

Hi TheBigBlue,

Thank you for sharing something so personal with the forum!

The White Knight has listed some great tips, with visiting your GP a great idea if things don't workout.

I'd just like to suggest Pilates! I was once super unfit and started doing Pilates! IT changed my life, my back pain went away, I felt fitter and stronger and lost 8kg!

I can recommend it enough!

Let us know your thoughts!

Regards,

CC

Guest_206 · ‎12-04-2021

Hi there TheBigBlue,
Thanks so much for your post. Isn't it funny (But not funny) how certain situations bring back all the childhood shame? It sounds like you've done such an amazing job getting out there and joining this soccer team, and now suddenly you're finding that your body is triggering these shame feelings.

If this was happening to me I would try to identify my thoughts and what core belief they are relating to.

I get that you also don't want to face your team mates again, it's such a human response, but our bodies are all different and have quirks and I'm sure your team would be sorry to lose you.

X g

TheBigBlue · ‎15-04-2021

Thanks Tony.

I do see a psychologist, a psychiatrist & have a peer support person. I’ve been medicated for a couple years.

But sometimes those negative feelings can still surprise you out of nowhere in the most unexpected places.

I’m still feeling bummed, but I DID have the courage to rock up to soccer training last night & it all went ok. Proud of myself for that at least

smallwolf · ‎15-04-2021

I inherited my mother's sporting abilities - very little. They are her words and not mine ... FYI.

In work situations, I can feel like a fake and that I will get found out etc. Let us say this is a side-effect of things that happened during school days. And if something goes wrong I will blame myself and that teen comes to the foreground. Perhaps what I need to do is look at what my strengths are etc.

Just on your soccer issues.... My kids are competitive swimmers. And swimmers use particular muscles. Me, I walk. My kids who are much fitter than I get tired when walking up a hill. Only because different muscles are get used. And you mentioned that you had not really exercised in 10 years. With practice and time you will regain the endurance required, muscles used etc.

And best of all, you went back to training. There are also exercises to help with balance as well.

Soccer is healthy and I hope fun.

Tim