Feeling worthless, useless, & overwhelmed

[JackFrost]

For some reason it took a very long time to ome up with a title... I was trying to be clear while trying to ignore that voice that says to make it witty or intriguing because then people will want to read it... whose brain does that?! Like, this is a thread about personal demons and I'm trying to be more engaging. Urgh!

Anyway, I'm Jack.

I am a neuroscientist with ADHD, depression, and anxiety. They say you study psychology (and similar fields) to find out what is wrong with yourself... I just didn't realise there were so many problems beneath the surface.

I could go on many tangents here about different issues, but i'll just stick with hard line mental health... I cannot pick myself up after I get knocked down. On the outside looking in, I have an amazing resume`. But on the inside, I have done nothing of worth. I am not proud of myself. I do not feel joy when I think of what I have and can achieve, I just think of how much less I have done than others. How I'm going to just get through the day without disappointing myself. I have spent years just 'waiting for Friday' so then I can turn off for a short while. And I have wasted so many weeks thinking like that. Because then it's the end of the month, then year, and then I still haven't completed that work or improved my standing as an academic and so it all starts again in the new year.

Despite having avenues of support, I cannot see passed my failures. No matter how small they are, in my eyes, they're massive.

So here I am, on a Monday, thinking about my work week, and waiting for it to be 5pm, with this huge, crushing feeling on my chest and my shoulders.

[jaz28]

Hello JackFrost,

As a soon-to-be graduate with my Psychology degree, I totally can sympathise with this. I know I have anxiety but studying for my degree has made me have suspicions that I could have PTSD as well 😄 It's not fun, but I am grateful to be well-informed about my potential mental states and what they could mean. I also have a good resume and stuff and I am proud of all my achievements considering I am still only young, but I sometimes forget all I have done as I feel I need to constantly do more and achieve better. Sometimes I think nothing is ever good enough and that I need to study more, make better friends or get better results.

When I feel like this, something that helps me is to write a list of gratitude - it helps me to remember what I am thankful for and it takes me back down to earth and reminds me of everything positive I have overcome and achieved to get here.

I am sorry you feel this way,

Jaz.

[Hanna3]

I hope you are OK Jack. I'm so sorry about your dog.

Just popping by to check how you're going. Big hugs from another dog lover!

💗

[JackFrost]

Hi Hanna

Thanks for the message. Was a loooooong day. Now that it's over, it's much easier. Sad, but easier. I have a second dog who looks like yours. Give Sam some cuddles for me.

Thank you, Grandy, for your kind words. It was peaceful and today is such a beautiful day that I think I might go for a bike ride in his honour.

Hi Jaz, thanks for the message. From experience, I would investigate your symptoms earlier rather than later (like I did) as you may be able to put some good mental health practices into place sooner. Tackling my ADHD, anx and deps after many years of going unchecked has been quite tricky. Especially to undo poor coping behaviours etc. But your idea of gratitudes is something i have tried so hard to maintain. I do 'morning pages', when i remember, and they entail gratitudes, ideas, positive feedback from the previous day etc. So your reminder has helped me to set a new daily reminder to complete them. Thanks!

Thanks all

hugs and good mental health to all

JF

[mmMekitty]

Hi Jack,

I'm sorry to hear of the death of your dog. It's a heartbreaking experience. Take care of yourself and your other dog, who could surely use some extra care, too.

I liked the idea of going for a bike ride in his honour. Anything you can do in that way is great. Would you like to share some stories about him Pets Gotta Love Them thread? Sharing my memories of Mekitty has highlighted how much I had with her in my life. She is still here, in my heart, and not gone at all.

Hmmm I don't know if I should comment about students of Psychology...being an unofficial student myself...heheheh😼as I am sure Mekitty was, figuring out so well exactly how to manipulate me!

I've simply been trying to understand - everything.

Inner critics are hard to shush. In the writers' group we had a few rules. When we went into our meetings, or when we wrote our first thoughts & first drafts, the inner critic was locked out, banned, ignored, however you put, the inner critic had no place in these earliest of explorations.

I think that is a way to 'look and accept' what is going on in the moment, without judging, being an observer of yourself. Saying, 'I'm human' not unlike any other, no better, no worse.

Don't know if that helps; my method may be useful or not. I don't think it'll cost you anything to try.

Warm virtual hugs to you.

mmMekitty

[Gabs_]

Oh, JackFrost, I am so sorry to hear that.

I love my fur-baby beyond belief, so it pains me to think what you are going through. Sending you the biggest virtual hugs. I know you can tell yourself that it was the best thing for the dog, but it is still allowed to suck and hurt.

Biggest of hugs and good luck at work today.

PS. I have a little saying that I use when I have a crappy work day - "does this really matter? If not, chuck it in the f*ck it bucket". Then I laugh because I imagine myself having a bucket with that labelled on it and me throwing a problem into it a la Kobe Bryant styles. If nothing else, I hope that makes you smile.

G x

[jaz28]

All good. I hope you find relief in it. I certainly do, it helps to ground me.

Stay strong.

[JackFrost]

Well it was a long time between bouts of unending sadness, but we're back. I simply dont understand how people have this foresight, this ability to plan for times like this. When it hits, i have nothing. I try to use the mindfulness, the yoga, the breathwork, the exercise, but it all falls flat.Like I am just reacting to it, rather than being proactive about it.

I lost a friend to suicide. A good friend. It troubles me to look at someone with so much going for them and so much to offer and so much to live for, but still not able to see a way through. He was an inspiration to me. So I now live in fear that any aspirations I might have, will still be met with roadblocks so hard that theres no way through. I know my friend was stubborn, and probably never sought the help he needed, it's just hard to understand why.

Despite working in the field, my supervisor asked me to log the half day I missed after receiving the news.So I find myself a little disillusioned by my workplace that claims to support people in their time of need. Literally, it's the main focus of the company. Anyway, sundays make me sad because i know i have to return to the same thing tomorrow and I wanted to write out how i felt. Hope everyone is doing ok

[mmMekitty]

Hello Jack,

Welcome back, albeit under such circumstances. I'm so very sorry you have lost your friend. Sadly, sometimes there are simply so answers to some questions, especially 'why?'

Sometimes all we can do is go through the motions, spinning our wheels, not feeling any confidence, but just doing it because it'sall we have. Can you remember how things changed last time? I think, it's true, while we are plodding along, barely able to lift our heads, feeling this is it forever, then, again, don't know why, but something changes, & things don't seem so bad.

I think that even has happened for me, but I didn't really notice for a long time. Just looking back, somewhere something changed & the mood I was in shifted a little. & kept creeping up. I barely recognise how I once was, when things were so bad that I could barely function.

No, not great now, but here I am, Jack, thinking how disappointing about how your workplace is not the supportive place for it's workers as you had imagined it would be, how sad to lose your good friend, how I would like to encourage you to keep trying, even though it seems pointless. Remember, things get better. Maybe it takes time,or talking to someone, or putting your efforts into looking after yourself more than usual, I don't know....but we can talk?

mmMekitty

[JackFrost]

If I was bad on a Friday, imagine me on a Monday...

WTF. the world is sitting on my chest today. Very common feeling for me and hard to rearrange my thought patterns.

To be fair it's not so much the workplace, as it is my direct supervisor. Everyone else I work with is overly supportive and dedicated to making sure we're all looking after ourselves. He just doesn't share the same views.

Might logon and speak to a few people to get myself feeling a bit better.

Wishing everyone a happy monday

[JackFrost]

Well it doesn't always completely go away. Sometimes you just have good spells. I was on top of everything until apparently I wasn't. It doesn't make sense for such a small portion of my life to create such a massive overwhelming feeling of emptiness and uselessness. I cannot shake this tiny element of negativity and it grows and grows until it dominates everything else. But when it's not happening I can't fathom that it will ever happen again. I just don't get it. 

Annoyed & sad, 

Jack