Feeling unloveable

[Lyssaa]

Hey everyone,

I've been struggling a bit lately with feeling like I'm undeserving of proper romantic love, or that there's something wrong with me that makes me unloveable. I'm eighteen now and my only relationship was when I was fourteen, and I was treated like shit. Since then, I've been borderline stalked and obsessed over by a guy I didn't like back, had a bit of a thing with a guy who said he liked me and I thought he genuinely cared about me but when I asked what we were he said we were just friends, had a couple of guys add me on snap only to tell me they think I'm pretty and not make an effort to get to know me, and I recently hooked up with a guy I met at the club I met a few times before he moved to the other side of the country. But none of it has been the true actual genuine care I want- someone getting to know me and liking me for the real me, not just thinking I'm pretty or liking me but not putting in any effort. 

It's really hard seeing some of my friends and a lot of the people around me getting into relationships, or having had multiple people want to get to know them and love them. What's even harder is that my friends are always telling me that I've got so many great qualities and achievements- I'm a good artist, I've always done well academically, and I've done some modelling work; and that I'm also kind and considerate and that I'm worthy of love and am a good person. This is always hard for me to hear because if all of that is so true, then why has no-one ever actually put in any effort for me romantically and truly cared about me and getting to know me? It makes me feel like there must then be something about me that just means I'm not meant for that kind of love. 

The rational part of me knows that it's just timing and that some people are lucky enough to meet multiple people who love them early in their life, but for some reason it's just easier for me to believe that I'm not loveable in that sense. It's hard to be told by those around you that you'll meet someone who truly cares about you and loves you because that's what you deserve when that's never really happened to you. 

[sbella02]

Dear Lyssaa,

Thank you for sharing your story with us here, and welcome to the forums. I'm sorry to hear about your relationship experience in your mid-teens, and being stalked by somebody is also never okay. 

I hear you. You are definitely deserving of a loving relationship. I'm only about three years older than you and to be honest, so much changes for us when we reach adulthood. So many life changes, new decisions, new connections, sometimes the loss of older connections. We grow and we mature, and getting into and maintaining long-term relationships at this age can be challenging (but certainly not impossible) as a result, because we're still discovering who we are. I know people who are at least four or five years older than me who have never been in a relationship, and it's nothing to be ashamed about, nor is it a reflection of the person themselves. Sometimes it takes a while to meet somebody, or sometimes we meet people but not necessarily the right people for us, and that's okay.

I'm also single right now (split with my ex nearly a year ago) and it's sometimes quite difficult to watch your friends get into relationships when you're single yourself. If it's any consolation, there can be a lot more happening in these relationships than we may realise, and some people are just great at putting up a front. This is not to say that healthy relationships don't exist at our age - they definitely do, and I've seen plenty of examples. But it's important to also note that relationships aren't always what they seem from the outset.

At the end of the day, serious romantic relationships are a commitment, and can often change our lifestyle and sometimes the course of our lives. It's important to be able to maintain independence and a strong sense of self when you're in a relationship so you know what kind of treatment you expect and what treatment you will not tolerate. 

I hope this advice can resonate with you in some sense. You sound like a very talented, accomplished person in your own right, and you deserve somebody who appreciates and recognises your abilities and will support you in pursuing your goals further. However long that takes is wildly unpredictable, but I wouldn't lose hope. We're still very young with a lot of life to live, and while loneliness does take over occasionally, the right person (or people) are out there.

Take care, SB

[Fern42]

Hi Lyssaa,

Please know you are very deserving of finding the one for you. It does truly take a while to find someone that you are truly compatible with, as you said some people are just lucky to come across their person.

I hear and understand wher you are coming from as well. I have been single for the last few years,  and coming across the right person that is looking for the exact same things as you or even shows genuine interest can be difficult to find. Our dating world is not the easiest. I think social media plays a key role in complicating the dating world for us young people. Especially snapchat, It can really diminishes the interpersonal connection. It's not a place where you are likely to find someone that wants anything long term.

Have you tried proper dating apps? It could also be important to be upfront with what you are looking for. For example the guys that added you on snapchat may not have been looking for anything serious, so regardless of how beautiful inside and out you are, that won't change their mind because they are already going into it with a different preconceived idea. It's not that you are not worthy but they are instead looking for something else. The right person is out there, you just have to keep your head high and keep looking. 

You are more than deserving and please remember you are still young and your time will come!