Feeling really bad about my body

[CourtneyJ]

Hi all, 31 female GAD, SAD and depression sufferer here. Currently medicated and in therapy. Just need to tell someone how I'm feeling right now.

I have a best friend who is wonderful. She understands my anxiety and she's my trusted confidant. She's also gorgeous and tiny (men love her). I'm a size 18 introvert who have always had problems with my body image. I've never felt beautiful or attractive (and I certainly don't inspire attention in the opposite sex).

Today was my best friend's birthday party. A group of her friends (most that I've met previously) and there was swimming and eating and drinking.

With my SAD and introverted tendencies being around a big group of people was always going to be challenging. What I didn't expect is how crap I'd feel about my body. Everyone at the party was skinnier and prettier than I was. There was this very attractive guy that I wanted to flirt with but knew he would never be interested in a woman like me. I didn't swim because I'm not confident wearing a bathing suit.

Now I've come home after the party and I just feel like crap. I either want to binge eat or go on a starvation diet to try and resolve this anxiety and negative thoughts.

Now I know that I can't immediately react and that I need to step back and thinking things through from a more positive perspective. But for right now I feel ugly, fat and unattractive and I think the world thinks of me that way too.

[BluBelle]

Hi CourtneyJ. I feel this so deeply. I am 35 and I have always been bigger than my friends. My best friend, like yours, is small, stunning and attracts a lot of male attention wherever she goes. I often feel completely invisible standing next to her, and I might as well be.

I find my weight is strongly linked to my depression. When I am in a hole, I spend every ounce of energy in me on my job so I can keep a roof over my head, so the first thing to fade is always taking care of myself. I will eat whatever is quick and filling, and I don't care how it makes me feel. Most of last year was particularly bad for me, and I ballooned out to the heaviest I have ever been - a size 26. I didn't even bother trying to go on dates, because my mental health and my self-esteem was basically in the toilet. This year has been much better, and I'm working on eating better and taking better care of myself.

There is an old quote that "comparison is the death of joy" and I think it's spot on. For a long time, I have always looked around any room I walked into to see if I was the biggest person there, and if I was it made me shrink and sadden. I am making a conscious effort to find things I love about myself. I may never fully get the point where I completely love and accept myself, but I'm working on it. I sometimes try to see myself the way the people who love me see me - loyal, funny, kind, smart. It also helps to look at photos online of plus size models and people who practice radical body confidence. The Healthy At Every Size movement is good for a boost.

I didn't mean to make this all about me. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

[TheGordianKnight]

Hello CourtneyJ!

I am sorry you feel this way, but you have overlooked something very important.

When you wanted to enter a downward spiral you stopped, thought about it and made a decision to do something else. That is brilliant and you should be proud. You didn't let a moment of weakness take you down, you learned from it and are looking to change it.

You are not fat and ugly, that's the gremlin whispering in your ear.

As a large man with a disability I can empathize with you. But I think you should consider finding clothes you are happy to swim in and go swimming more often! It is great low impact exercise and it will help you by making you more active and giving you small goals to work towards. I do a dance exercise in a pool and every one there is female! They are all lovely and they motivate me to keep up with them. Maybe you could try that?

It took me a long time to learn that other people were not looking at me and judging me. I was imagining it. People are caught up in their own lives and barely have the awareness to stay out of traffic 😉

Find your happy place to work on what you want to change. Find people who will support and nurture you while you do.

You aren't the first or the last to walk this particular road. But you can choose how to walk it.

Just take that first step.

[blondguy]

Hi CourtneyJ

Great to have you as part of the forum family 🙂

Thank-you for having the courage to post...It took me 3 months to build the confidence to write my own thread topic when I joined the forums in 2016

This is a post of reassurance about post content from other members. The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you to post. BluBelle posted a super caring post above

There are many gentle people on the forums that can be here for you Courtney 🙂

It would be great if you can stick around the forums!

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

[luvli_tears1982]

hey courtney,

i think that within everyone and i mean EVERYONE there is a certain beauty about them. Even if you might not have realised it i bet one day you will find something about yourself that you love. to be honest i think the way that you got the courage to put how you feel out their in order for people to listen is something that you should love about yourself. as for being introverted, being social and going out to party isn't everything. because they're always going to be people to be there for you to feel comfortable around, and in that you can have fun with them. i think for the most part most people are willing to wait before you take your walls down and get to know you but it is completely up to you wether or not you want to do that. As for swimming, who cares about bathing suits? i think swimming in clothes in much more fun. As someone who suffers from body dysmorphia i've never ever been someone to part take in water activities in an actual bathing suit and i am much more comfortable in my clothes, try different things that make you feel better in these kind of social situations. And even if you think you can't help it, try not to compare youself to others. because they are them and you are you. both of you are beautiful in your own ways whether or not you think so.

stay strong gorgeous.

there are always people out there to help.

❤️

[CourtneyJ]

Thanks for the support everybody, it's greatly appreciated.

After reflecting on how I felt I think it wasn't that everyone was skinnier or more attractive then me or that I wasn't comfortable wearing a bathing suit. I think it was more shock and surprise that that kind of stuff could still bother me.

Over the years I've come to accept my body for what it is and not to compare it to others. That I have qualities that others don't and I'm not less because I'm not a size 10. I genuine thought I had moved passed that type of negative self-talk. But I guess unexpected and unintentional "exposure therapy" identified that some of that negative self-talk is still there and I need to work on it a little more.