Feeling overwhelmed and lost with life

[geelt]

Lots of things are happening at once and I just need an outlet to vent my emotions.

My head is full of useless unnecessary thoughts and worries that I keep making up for myself.

I can start a new activity or hobby only for me to hyper-fixate and get myself burnt out and wasting a lot of time and money that I really shouldn't be spending. I overthink things and that affects my enjoyment of the activities I do. Thinking and worrying about buying things to do or thinking about doing things but when I get to doing things I start loathing it. I have no impulse control and stress over money when its just a dollar wasting so much brain power over nothing. No discipline.

Currently on Job Seeker applying for work with low qualification/ no education needed. I decided that I'm not going to try going back to University because it doesn't feel worthwhile, but also realized how limiting employment opportunities are. Having to rely on public transport with transit taking 1-2 hours at worst to the closest available work. I've recently begun volunteering at a 2nd hand shop as well just to get out the house and interact with people. I worry about having no time to do things I enjoy if I start doing paid work which is contrasted by not enjoying the things I do for enjoyment or overthinking and stressing over small details.

I haven't driven in a year and only have my Ls. Stressing and loathing about it wont help and it feels exhausting trying to ask help from my parents. Paranoid about crashing the car and I've been overthinking when going for walks near/crossing the road when the cars are nowhere near me but the hesitation makes worry and is affecting my alertness. I've even begun worrying when going up escalators even though the fear is unreasonable. A lot of hesitation and a lack of confidence with everything I do.

The support groups I've been going to so I can take my mind off things have had their funding cut so they've been changed to fortnightly and the counselor I've been going to won't be able to see me for a couple months.

I don't know what I want to do long term so I'm trying to change my mindset. Its fine to not make a lot of money, its fine to keep living at home with my parents, its fine not to accomplish anything grand and have a simple life. I have lots of ideas and thoughts of things to do but never follow through and just wallow in self pity and feeling restricted and limited in what I can do having to compromise I dont know

[geelt]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for your reply.

I've come to realize most of these duties are self imposed. Running around the grocery store to find what they want because I asked if they needed anything else from the store. I had a bad experience where things were tense in the house because someone got mad because they kept on not getting what they wanted from the store when my mum would go grocery shopping. I didn't want that to happen again so now I go shopping with her and am in charge of asking what everyone wants. I don't like it but as long as my family isn't able to communicate this is the best I can come up with. Being the one to ask when everyone wants to eat because they get mad when my mum tries asking. I know that its best to let others clean up their own mess but my mum just ends up cleaning it for them, while making things more difficult. She will worry that no one will eat if they were to cook their own food or plan their own dinner so she has to cook for them everyday. Getting everyone to do it themselves wont alieviate her anxieties about everyone starving so she has to do it for them.

I understand I need to say 'No' more. I need to take a step back and acknowledge i cant help everyone

I'm still looking for an under pillow speaker or another solution. I'll give smiling mind a try when im ready.

[Croix]

Dear Geelt~

Your mum is lucky to have a son who tries so hard to make her life hassle free. As you know it is placing all the burden on you -self imposed or otherwise. Doing it out of love is wonderful, however nobody is an inexhaustible well of strenght.

Do you tihnk talking matters over with you mum might lead to her doing a little more shopping for some nights and giving you  an occasional  rest (even if you have to distance yourself from any resulting arguments).

While of course I do not know how she feels I do know if I was her I'd tend to feel left out and unless if I did not provide the food and cooking at least occasionally (and then listen to everyone complain:)

You should not have much trouble getting an under pillow speaker, I bought mine from the most obvious marketplace on the internet for $10. It is round (fits in the palm of my hand, almost flat and has a cord that goes to my phone.

As a lad I lived where there was a pebbly beach, and I found a web-site with a lot of free non-copyright sounds, including waves going up the beach and rattling the pebbles as they withdrew. Very soothing to go to sleep by. Another is feeling snug to the sounds of a storm and rain pelting down.

Croix

[geelt]

Hi Croix, its been awhile. I've been meaning to respond sooner but haven't been able to get myself to do so until now.

I've been putting the food matter aside for now. I've realized that its dumb to worry so much about other peoples dinner. A big waste of thinking when they don't care unless I think of something for them then they're all critical and perceptive about what they want. I don't like dealing with other people. I've just been making a list and picking at random, then just listening to everyone's complaints about what I chose. It doesn't feel good being talked to like an idiot for the random choices. I need to stop taking things personally. I won't be able to change my Mum's shopping habits, she thinks eating old food gives you cancer and is worried about freshness.

I was dieting for past couple months and tracking how many calories I was eating each day but have stopped for the past couple of weeks.

Few weeks ago I went to see my counselor for the final free session for the year. If family is causing my trouble why don't i just leave. I'm too comfortable even if I'm not happy.

I need to stop being comfortable, complacent. Letting myself rot until its too late. False sense of security. I don't know what traineeship or apprenticeship or course I should try doing. They suggested to choose a buisness degree or anything with transferable skills just for the sake of it. Idont wantt o do buisness or anything to do with people.I agree that I'm too comfortable, to used to how things are currently. I'm afraid of other people and the unknown. I don't like picking up on the negative changes and noticing other peoples body language that I can interpret as them seeing me in an unfavourable way. I struggle to think of replies on the spot. I think too much.

I hate communication. I hate people so much. I hate having to deal with brickheaded people who wont even give a yes or no answer. i hate myself. If I was soemone else I would hate me as a person too. no merit, trash mind. no purpose other than to be kicked around by others. literally was born to be kicked around. I have so many questions so many conerns and doubts about my options but doing nothing wont do anything. thinking and not doing is useless. I communicate like a scared idiot. i tryto be thorough but dont get my point acoess so i just look dumb.

Currently I have been obsessed with building a shelf to store things to be more organised but its a distraction. not being able to sleep thinking about things. will the shelf collapse willthe shelf break will my idea work. it refkects how i approach anything. i dont hvbe clarity or enough understanding and i dont want to take a risk to try anthing in case it doesnt work out. i dont have the right tools or resources to overcome or apporah the problem but it consumes me either way. too much thinking for a simple thing.feeling like things will change when i know they wont even if i do make it. nothing will fundamentally change.

I feel out of energy. Not tired but dont feel like doing anything. I signed up for a gym trial. I don't hate the gym I end up thinking too far ahead, if I do sign up for the gym how will i fit it into a schedule going forward. if i do go back to study how do i fit it into that schedule. it takes 40 minutes to walk there and 40 minutes to walk back. 30 minutes of being at the gym. its fine when i dont have any comitments. time is important ive obly really understood. why would you want to spend an hour and a half each day walking to thje gym when you can drive there and back in a fraction of that time. dont waste time dont waste time dont waste time.

I've been goiing through the smiling minds apps on and off havent been doing it consistently recently. struggling to switch my mind off or move focus away from thoughts while doing the meditation.