Feeling out of control

[wishforbetter]

Hello, any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

I've experienced depression on and off since I was a teenager, so this has been over 20 years now.  Normally I am depressed, seek treatment, am fine for a while then I sink back down into depression again.  It constantly cycles. My most recent experience of depression is really starting to scare me.  I'm in a job that I hate (and have been in for a long time now, and the feelings have been getting progressively worse).  I am paralysed though and don't know how to make a change.

Increasingly, my depression is taking the form of anger and complete blind rage, my partner is the one suffering the brunt of this and I'm really scared to lose a really good person from my life.  I don't know how to change my situation and really have no idea what else to do. The pressures at work have been getting worse and worse and I don't know how much longer I can keep turning up there.

Every little thing has been getting to me and making me so angry.  I'm seeing a professional but it is really not helping me at all.  Lately, my frustration over life has been getting so bad that I fall into an uncontrollable rage and I yell, swear and throw objects across the room.  I'm at a total loss.  I don't want to be dead, but I'm putting on a big fake, front in my workplace and I don't really feel like life is worth living either.  I don't want to be so frustrated, exhausted, upset and angry all of the time!  Any advice appreciated!

[Chloekat84]

Hello wishforbetter. It doesnt sound like your in a good place right now. I really wish there was something i could do. Have u had a chat with ur husband about your feelings and how ur not coping with everything. How long has it been since u saw ur GP? maybe a follow up is needed. Wish there was more i could say or do but i hope things get better for u real soon. Take care x

[AGrace]

Hi wishforbetter,

Welcome to the forums. I can hear from your post that you're at a total loss. I hope by coming here we can offer you support, and the much needed advice you are looking for.

Before I go too much further, if you are having thoughts of suicide, please contact Beyondblue, Lifeline, or 000.

I wanted to start with the professional help that you are receiving. Are you seeing a Psychologist or Psychiatrist? Is it worthwhile seeking a second opinion? It would be a shame to continue wasting money. What sort of treatment have you been getting over the past 20 years? I always find it best to tackle depression from multiple angles, with medication, Psychological therapy, and support groups. I also wonder whether you need an alternate diagnosis?

It sounds like your work is a major stress for you. Is there an opportunity for you to take some extended leave, resign from your job, or at least just look for another form of employment? My work environment was a huge contributor, in the end I decided to just leave. You may also want to have a look at whether you have any form of income protection insurance. Also look at what you might be entitled to from the government. Many people don't realise that carer's payments for example are not means tested.

In terms of your husband, does he understand what's going on for you at the moment? Would it be useful to order some of the resources available from Beyondblue? I'd also suggest once you find a medical professional you are happy with, get your partner involved with your treatment plan, even if it means him attending a couple of sessions with you. This was one of the best things I did for my partner. He now has access to my Psychiatrist and Psychologist whenever he needs them.

In the immediate term it sounds like you want some advice to help control the rage. Some things that have worked for me in the past are:

Self soothing activities - walking, a bath, massage, listening to calming music, reading, writing, art/craft

Mindfulness - you can google this, it's a really effective coping strategy.

Meditation - My favourite is a guided muscle relaxation on youtube called 8 minutes to calm

Breathing Exercises - Breath in for 6 and out for 8, try to elongate the out breath as much as you can.

These things all sound really simple, but you want to try to practice them as much as you can every day, not just when an episode hits.

I hope some of this is helpful, and I hope we will hear back from you.

AGrace

[wishforbetter]

Thank you both for your replies! 

My partner is really supportive, but now that the anger is getting out of control he told me that he worries more than ever. I am so worried about all of the stress and strain I am putting him under!

I don't feel suicidal but I feel really really low and I don't want to simply exist (because that's how it feels right now). I'm just so flat and unmotivated to do any of the things I really love to do (like photography!).  I resent work and the intrusion it has on all of my free time.  I feel trapped by my job because if I leave, my support and income prospects are limited.  I'm not able to claim income protection insurance for this condition and I have NO desire to approach Centrelink! Family is too far away to help. My partner is only on a low income and if I stopped working, we could not survive on his salary. The nature of my work means I have to do many unpaid hours to get ahead.  It's so frustrating!  I am also limited because my job is extremely secure and safe with good pay and conditions and who would want to give that up?

I will have an option later this year to apply for a job with working out of work hours very limited but at the moment applying for this job is a couple of months away.  It's killing me waiting in the meantime as I'm not coping with the job I am doing now.  I also want to go to part time but in my industry I would probably be coming in teaching classes 5 days a week anyway.  This does not work, because I want to retrain in another field and I need two clear weekdays per week to do this course.

This inability to find solutions is making me feel worse, completely overwhelmed!

I've been able to schedule an emergency appointment with my psychologist for later this week, thank goodness. I think I will take your advice AGrace and take my partner along for the session.

I have income protection insurance but am not covered if I leave work for mental health reasons.  It's a clause I had to agree too because of my past medical history.  The insurance advisor said if I wasn't upfront with my medical history, it could lead to termination of payments anyway, or legal wrangling with the insurance company. Here we go again, with discrimination due to mental health issues! 😕

Thank you Chloekat84, yes we often talk to each other and even though my partner is wonderfully supportive, I think even he has his limits 😞

Thank you for your kind words

wishforbetter

[geoff]

dear Wishfor better, I'm sorry for how you are at the moment, and the anger comes out from frustration, which you have suggested.

What annoys you and all those suffering from anxiety/depression is that no matter what type of insurance that would cover us such life insurance or income protection we are either heavily penalised or not covered, but I know that BlueVoices are looking into this, so I would suggest that you sign up with them and email your concern, as they may have other options which you could use.

There is medication which your doctor can give you which would help with your anger and perhaps help also with your depression, I know that it's not going to solve your work issues, which I'm sorry about.

One thing is that your husband is supportive and the session together hopefully will help, but please stay in touch with us. L Geoff. x