Feeling ok & not ok

[Jo3]

Hey everyone

I really don't know what's going on.  The last week I have been doing okay, keeping busy, housework, gardening, walking, coffee with hubby down the street, sessions at the hospital - things look like they're okay.  But then I think okay if I am doing okay why aren't I much happier in my life.  And how happy should I be?

So why do I feel so sad.  I read a lot of people's issues on here and I feel really down.  I wish there was something that I could do more for these friends.  Reading about how much they are suffering, it makes me really sad. And I know we shouldn't take in others issues but it's too hard because I can relate to a lot of the posts on here.

I then thought before - so how long will my depression stay with me - will it stay with me forever and I will have good days and bad days. I guess the more work I do as in therapy the more I will feel better.

Jo

[Jo3]

Hi John

Thanks for the kisses and your post reminding me that it is okay to feel good and then not feel so good or so depressed.

I think that I have a lot of work to do with my psych regarding black and white thinking and also I know that at times I catastrophise things quite a bit.

John, can I ask you? How do you move on after losing your baby?

I know my story is so different to yours but I am struggling accepting (and that's a big word) my abuse, accepting who did it to me and accepting that little Jo has lost so much of her childhood, trust, closeness, love.  How does biig Jo (me now) let go.

 I feel that acceptance is a big thing - something I need more work on.

Hey John, how long to go now for the big trip?

Take care

Jo

[Neil_1]

Dear Jo  

This post is still a positive one – don’t forget that.  You’ve advanced so far, just in the last month, that to be honest, you must be exhausted.   

Now this is definitely not meant to be a downer – it’s just saying it how it is – and that’s with depression (and you probably know this already anyway) – that when you feel like you’re coming out of the fog, the storm that you’ve been in for so long now – and you experience a beautiful time/moment and you think, holy (I’ve now gotta watch my p’s & q’s, I’ve been a bit naughty over the weekend with some of my words here) I can’t believe the way I’m now feeling - that's you saying that Jo, not me :).  

You're feeling happiness and delight and brightness – the first time for a long long time.  However, the depression hasn’t lifted yet.  It’s still there and it will come back to bite.  And when it does, like it did with you Jo, you’re going to think, was the other day a mirage?  Was it a dream?  

But no, it wasn’t – it was real. 

The thing now is to soak it up when the next time it comes along, because it will.  And later there’ll be another and then another. 

They’ll start to happen over and over again.  

It’s good Jo – it’s all very good.  

Neil  

Ps:  John, I feel your pain – and I know exactly what you mean – it just creeps up and hits you for absolutely no reason at all.  And that’s why I just don’t know.

[Jo3]

Hi Neil

Thanks for replying to me especially at the moment when you are so down.  I hope today was a better day even if it was a little better 🙂

Neil, I honestly don't know what's going on.  I had a session this arvo with my psychiatrist (the one that admitted me to hospital) and he said to me that he feels I am using my depression and BPD to gain extra support and love from my husband and family.  But he says it is not right because I should get the love and support from hubby and kids even if I didn't have depression or BPD.  So we have an issue there where we will be working on this with my psychiatrist.  He also stated that I am wanting to self harm or run away to show my husband and parents what pain I am in - that he said children do as attention seeking or to say i am in pain; but as an adult what would I do? I said to him an adult would talk to their husband. So we are going to work on this as well.  He asked me so many questions about self harming and the details - to which I didn't want to tell him much at all; but he reassured me that he was here to help me and that our communication should be open and honest. We also talked about having my mother in law with us for 18 yrs and he said that is not fair on me or our marriage and now is time to put my foot down.

This is not easy.  I told him that my hubby is the only family she has, no one else in Australia.  She isn't a bad person or causes problems; its just that i want my house to myself and my children.  I don't want her to be part of me anymore - i must sound like a real horrible person to everyone who is reading this.  no one understands what it's like to have a mother in law with you for this long, unless you have gone through it yourself.

i'm not a bad person, i just need my space. is that too much to ask for?

I came out of there feeling emotional; confused in a tangled web of not knowing what I want to do.  

jo

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Jo,

You have asked me how I moved on after losing a baby. I guess hoping I could give you a clue, but I can't.

If I am any good at auto critiques, I'd submit it is from a number of factors. But first let me point out that while I think self criticism is healthy and necessary for our growth, I also believe that too much of it can be self destructive, like running ourselves down.

If John Gray (of Men Are From Mars fame) is right, men and women grieve differently. Men are expected by society to hold it together. I was also a policeman and we are definitely expected by society to hold it together no matter what. Stiff upper lip and all that stuff.

Also, I had two other children I am responsible for and ended up having two more. I love being a dad and it is the rewards and responsibilities of that role that kept me away from some very dark places in my head at the time.

Finally, and this is the bit I'm hoping may help you, the line you have probably heard a thousand times, "It is what it is." That's it. Full stop. My understanding of that phrase is that some things cannot be changed. The sun rises in the east. Time is unstoppable. Dead people cannot be resurrected (resuscitated, yes, resurrected, no.) 

No matter how much I would like to change something like my daughter's death, I cannot. I am not brave, I have no choice. Life kept going and I have to keep going because there is no other choice if we want life.

Somebody told me once that losing a loved one is not an illness you get over, it is an amputation you learn to live with. Jo, the horrible things done to you were wrong, but they were done and they cannot be undone. You lost a part of you when they happened, your innocence, your self esteem, your trust. I hope you can find a way to see that it cannot be undone but, like so many others, it is possible to go on. 

You will always be a different person after having such events shape you, but you can go on.

I hope I have been helpful.

Kind regards,

John.

[CrashCoyote]

Jo,

I just posted you but was writing while you posted this.

There is nothing wrong with getting your mother-in-law out of the house no matter how nice she is.

In my book, my relationship with my partner is the highest priority. If something comes into conflict with what makes her happy, I always resolve it to make her happy. That is because I love her and her happiness is more important than the external conflict. (See parenting rule 4-7-18; Kids are exempt from this rule!!)

Even if it was your own mother, she'd still have to go. Any adult that could see you struggling should have the good manners to leave without being asked.

I am sorry for being so opinionated on this, but by any measure it cannot be helping you.

Kind regards, John.

[Jo3]

Hi John

I understand what you're saying - but it's not easy, I am scared of everything that will happen; i'm sorry i can't do this at the moment.  I'll come back later on to chat. Need to clear my head.

Jo

[Jo3]

Hi John

OK, I think I have calmed down now, had tea and time to think about what happened to me before.

I think I had a mini melt down, an anxious time where I was going everywhere in my head.

I know exactly what you're saying about my mother in law.  I just don't know how to appraoch the subject with hubby.

You're right - I have lost my self esteem, my childhood, my innocence, my happiness as a child. It's all gone - and why? because I was innocent and these guys took advantage of me.  And that is not fair.

It is what it is - yep, and I can't change that, can I? It's gone and now I need to rebuild the life I want, rebuild the little girl in me into an adult, because at times I feel like that little girl - wanting so much. Wanting toys, dolls, hugs, kisses, love - was that too much to ask for?

Sorry, John I am still a bit angry, well maybe very angry.

 Thanks for your support, I really appreciate your comments and advice.

Your friend

Jo

[Jo3]

Hi GA

I didnt' really know that wine had an after effect like it did to me.  I was having a great time singing Abba songs and being with my friends. And I didn't think of all the bad things in my life, so maybe drinking is a good idea to soothe the pain, ease the hurt and have a good time .

 GA, I worry that one day my thoughts may turn to reality. 

I always thought that once I felt okay i would feel okay forever or at least for a little while; but this weekend just gone proved it to me that i will never be good forever, the dark depression will always be with me.

I want to have more good days but I don't like it when the happiness turns into total black clouds pushing me back down; not wanting me to be happy, to get back up.

I hate this depression, this BPD, i hate it all. I just wish that i never ever had it and that even everyone on here never had it either.

 I'm sorry I am venting, i am frustrated, angry and not happy again.

Gee these dark nights and days are here again.  I have the next three days off work, think i need to stay in bed; don't even know if i want to go to the hospital outpatient program Wed or Thur. Motivation has gone.

Jo

[Jo3]

No motivation, energy or desire to do anything today.

Have to force myself to go to work this afternoon, don't really want to.

it's all too hard

i just want to scream

[Neil_1]

Dear Jo

Just a slight digression here, but I find after singing Abba songs, I'm down for days afterwards - my bed is my only saviour in times like these.

Neil