Feeling lost, on and off.

[Creating_A_Better_Future]

I am new to this forum, and have considered seeing a doctor to get on a mental health plan which I may still do, but as I am such an independent person I thought I would try this first.

As like most of you on here, I have my good days and my bad days. 

Previously in life I have made some pretty awful and embarrassing decisions, which I block out most of the time and a rush of guilt and shame swoops through me when I think of it too much. I am nearly fully healed of those 'bad' decisions with learning to forgive myself.. but from those hard times has brought depression and anxiety into my life, and I can relate to those feelings when I am going through something completely different scenario wise.

My most recent head space, in the last 8-10 months has been that I don't feel 'alive', I don't feel 'well' (anxiety) but I do not have anxiety attacks, I more so feel sad about myself and my life, as what I want to achieve is in reach but it's not the right time. I have been working from home the last year and a half (not for health reasons, just a gig I scored) and I have sadly put in 13 kilos of weight. Of course, this would bring anyone down naturally, by not being happy with their physical self.

I have no career ambition or goals, I have dipped my toes in a lot of different jobs and hobbies, but nothing sticks. I know I am much better off in life than a lot of people in this world, but that isn't a curable thought. I feel lost like I have nothing to work towards, I don't have physical interaction with people at work which I miss, but if I was to give up my job I would not be able to find an income remotely close to what I have now. 

I'm trying to find a thirst, a passion for life, to work hard, lose weight and have something to look forward to doing on the weekends/week nights rather than plotting through the days and getting sad and uninviting thoughts in my head.

In the past 3-4 months I have re-assessed who I spend my time with, friends wise and have had some friendships break down, but I have always been the type of person to know and love everyone and I have always felt the same back from other people. Now my time is spent with quality friends and not quantity, I feel as though that's created some sadness as that has never been the way it was for me, even though I know it is much better to have quality than quantity relationships.

 I'm hoping someone can give me some friendly advice.

 ❤️

[White_Rose]

Dear Tobefulfilled

Thank you for your post and welcome to Beyond Blue. Your post is a bit of a mixture wanting to reach out, belief you can manage alone and descriptions of your difficulties. It sounds to me that you need a good chat with someone to see where you needs lie. In other words you sound as confused as most of us. (smile)

Making poor decisions is par for the course for most of us and we invariably feel guilty, sad or stupid. It's part of life and growing up. Not that it makes it any easier to live with, but knowing you are not the only one helps. Forgiving yourself is not easy because of the remorse factor. Such a destructive emotion but I think it is necessary to stop us repeating our mistakes. But we do need to learn to live with that remorse without allowing it to ruin our lives.

The triggers that provoke depression are different for everyone but many come from the same sources of regret, self-dissatisfaction, low esteem and lack of life goals. Easy to talk about but not easy to change. And this is where GPs, psychologists and even psychiatrists come into their own. They can help us to set a course, so long as we do not expect them to do the work.

Finding a passion for life requires courage to step outside of our secure life. You are working from home because it is convenient, financially worthwhile etc. It gives little interaction with others and as you say, has caused your weight gain. Oh how I can relate to that. Humans are sociable creatures with a deep and frequent need for the company of others. Perhaps your job is one area for consideration.

It's a bit like being a couch potato, hard to get off the settee, but once achieved we feel so much better.  You talk about quality of friendship rather than quantity and in general I agree. As we get older we find more satisfaction with long standing friendships and a deeper relationship. Having our own interests is also necessary. It stimulates us, makes us more open and interesting to talk to. So can I suggest you make an effort to explore various activities as well as new jobs.

Try volunteering. It has led many folk to new careers and involvements.

OK I think I have lectured enough. Please continue to write in.

Cheers

Mary

[Neil_1]

Hi there TBF

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing your post.

Working from home for the last 18 months or so and for the most part, it sounds like this has all been ok for you – apart from the weight gain.   Yet in the last 8-10 months you’ve had a change of feeling and now “this” could be well due to the weight gain side of things and that this is not only bringing you down physically, but mentally as well.

Yes, I hear there’s no physical interaction – but are you in a situation/location where during anytime can you converse with others, friends via email or other technological advancements (I’m not overly up with all things like that – I just love my email).  Basically, can you and do you still chat with people but just not in person?   Can you get out and meet up with these folk from time to time?

Now I’m not sure if you’re after this or not, but I’m going to try – and it’s all to be taken as purely suggestions, etc – nothing ever said here is to be locked in concrete and forever.

But if I’m reading this right, it seems that you want to create some changes.  I think the first one (as it’s been mentioned a few times) relates to your own health and the extra weight you’ve added over recent times.

Change is needed here – and little goals need to be put into place;  nothing huge that will disrupt you big time, just little things that hopefully can be included into your day and hopefully they can become common place for you, or even routine.

Not sure what kinds of exercise that you’re into (if any), but as you work from home, you’ve got the opportunity to get out of the house at different times of the day and go for a walk, a run (perhaps) or even a cycle.    But nothing HUGE – just aim to start off with for something like 5-10 mins and that’ll do.  Not every day either, but every 2nd day – as we also need to have a rest as well.  The thing with this is to find a spot in your day where this will suit you the most.  Just little goals.

And perhaps, if you wear a belt, make a bit of a note where your notch is now – and down the track this is something that does reap its own rewards as time goes by.   Even putting a tape measure around the old equator and measuring, writing that down somewhere and putting it away and then re-checking in a month’s time.  These are longer term goals to aim for, but just wanted to include these as well.

Neil

[Mike_101]

Hi tobefulfilled

By the sounds of it your working at home job is well paying and your more upset about lack of physical interaction and your weight gain - the career can come later down the track as that's a little less easy to control.

Have you thought of joining a gym - that can fill in some weekends/week nights. It can be both rewarding for your physical appearance (and mind set) as well as for social interaction. Do any of your friends currently go to a gym, maybe they will join too if they don't? If the gym is out of the question or currently your too self conscious at the moment you can always buy a pair of weights for around the house - or one of those all in one gym things - they can still help with the weight gain.

Eating less obviously helps the weight issue, taken into account a lack of movement counting calories is a great way of loosing weight (or at least not gaining it) While im not a nutritionist, keeping your calories under 2500 a day (which is generally recommended for guys, a little less for girls) should help reduce, or stop your weight gain.

I think if you loose the weight you've put on, along with the changes you've made in your social circle, then you will feel a little happier with things in general. Its hard to find a purpose in life - maybe that will come after the weight loss, but if your current work pays well, maybe just concentrate on the weight and the rest will fall into place over time.

Kind regards
Mike

[Creating_A_Better_Future]

Hi White Rose,

Apologies it has taken so long to send a reply. I really appreciate all the support and kind words you offered me.

Thank you for your understanding also.

Since I wrote this post I have seemed to 'walk through a door', I decided I don't want to live life like that. I booked an overseas trip with my wonderful partner and have decided to take action of my life.

I realised that is exactly what I wasn't doing. I also started reading this book "Be Fearless", I think there was some divine intervention as to why I picked it up at the library. I was having a rough day and was drawn to it on the shelves. I'm on a weight loss journey and I'm feeling a lot better than I was.

And just today, things have turned around regarding my career aspirations. My goal is to continue to work from home and have myself settled in a beach pad by next February. 

I feel as though I will always have challenges and life problems, but I didn't actually realise how much fear and resentment towards myself I was carrying around daily.

I was about to write another post as to why I jumped on here, so maybe you can check that out and see if you have any lovely advice for me! 

Thank you again, and many blessings.

[White_Rose]

Dear CBF

I see you have changed your forum name. Much more positive. Congratulations! And congratulations on your lifestyle changes. A huge step forward.

I recently lost a couple of kilos, entirely by accident, but decided it's obviously the time to make this a proper goal. So I worked out when I eat and what I eat and built a diet plan round that. Lost a few more kilos and my clothes are starting to feel loose. I am quite pleased about it, as you can imagine, but I am wary of getting too excited or careless about my food. Too easy to slide into old habits. I also decided some weeks ago to up the ante on my exercise. I had a chat with the Exercise Physiologist where I go and we have developed a plan for exercise that is a bit challenging. I find I am begining to manage this more easily and so the routine will need to be changed to challenge me again. Again, I am pleased with this.

Not quite sure what you mean by being settled in a beach pad. Are you planning to move house, set up your office there, or have a weekend escape place? Love to hear more about it. I live about 5 minutes walk from the sea and I so much enjoy watching the waves and the ocean in general.

One of the things I have struggled with for a long time is fear and resentment. Unfortunately I did not realise this, which didn't help, so it rather complicated matters. The diet and exercise are part of my realisation that they did not work in the past because I resented doing it. I am finding this aspect is going and I am more motivated to do these things and getting results. And of course the flow-on effect is fantastic. So much more energy, clear thinking, or at least clearer thinking. And I am begining to find joy in my life. That's got to be better than winning the lottery, though I don't mind both.

Daily challenges etc are a nuisance and as you say, set up your resentment. It's good when we can see that and start to work on eliminating it.

So it looks like we are rowing similar boats down (or up) the same stream. I hope you keep in contact.

Mary