Feeling lonely, sad and isolated

[Lucylou]

I'm 62 and most of my life I have been caring for people. My 1st daughter was born with Cerebral Palsy and I cared for her at home for almost 30 years. I had 2 other daughters who are fine. I have been through a divorce which was my choice. My brother and only sibling passed away at 42 from a heart attack. I cared for my Dad who had lung cancer and was beside him in hospital when he passed. I then cared for my Mum who had Alzhiemers Disease until she passed. I also suffer from Fibromyalgia and in constant pain.

 In 2008 my daughter became very ill and was put on life support. After talking to doctors and specialists my ex and myself were advised us to turn off the life support....she calmly passed away going on 5 years next month.

I live near my 2 daughters who are both married; one has 3 children who are 17, 13 and eleven but because of her circumstances I haven't had a lot to do with my grandchildren. I feel I am a stranger to them.

My youngest daughter is my rock and has just found out she is pregnant which I am over the moon about. It may seem strange to some but I am closer to this daughter than the other.  But I think sometimes she gets sick of me. 

I live by myself apart from my 2 dogs and 4 cats and have no friends; I say hello to the neighbours but I don't like socialising or going out. sometimes I can't even be bothered talking on the phone yet in saying this I feel so lonely and isolated. Does that make sense? Am I playing the victim? Am I feeling sorry for myself?

I have been on several antidepressants over the years and currently have been on the only one that seems to work for 5-6 years now. 

I have seen a Psychiatrist after my daughter passed away and then a psychologist....that was about 4 years ago. Some days are good but mostly I feel I don't want to be here any more. I shouldn't feel this way especially with a new grand child on the way.

I hope my story makes some sense because at the moment I'm feeling lost and sad.

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[White_Rose]

Dear Lucy

So sad to read of the latest developments with your daughter.  As Rhonda has suggested, send her a card and then forget all about it. 

If your psychologist has gone you need to find another.  Talk to your GP ASAP.  He/she should be able to refer you to someone else.  I am surprised that the psychologist has moved without telling you.  They are supposed to make alternative arrangements for their patients.

Tell the doctor that your daughter's anniversary is coming up and your are feeling quite fragile.  This is the time you need support.  Perhaps your younger daughter can give you some support.  Remind her of her sister's anniversary (if she needs a reminder) and say you would like someone with you.

This is just a quick response for the time being.  Look after yourself as much as possible.  Really try to find something to do that is within your physical capabilities and needs your full concentration so that you can block the thoughts about your daughter.

Warm regards

White Rose

[Lucylou]

Well, I have sent the daughter a birthday card with a nice message. As far as I'm concerned  I think she will need me before I need her!!

Yep....I'm still a bit upset but thanks you everyone for your support

Take care

xx

[Rhonda_K]

Good for you Lucy. And you are right .. your daughter will no doubt need some babysitting done at some stage. Stand up for yourself and don't let her walk all over you.

She sounds very selfish and needs to learn some life lessons. To be upset with you because you didn't come to visit her as you were caring for her disabled sister is so childish and self-absorbed. You had your priorities right.

Take care, Rhonda xx

[Lucylou]

Hi everyone, it's been a while since I last posted as I have been trying to move on and get over my daughters actions. I have also been tied up shopping with my younger daughter for baby items and having a great time. My...how prams, cots etc have changed over the years!!

As I said in a previous post I sent the daughter a birthday card and I never received any acknowledgement from her but to be honest I didn't think she would!

It's a sad day for me today as 5 years ago today my eldest daughter passed away. I'm very down and teary and to make matters worse I received a text message from the daughter which she also sent to her father and sister.

She said she loved dad, mum and sister and was remembering the days when they were all little and we were a whole family.

How can she say she loves me when I haven't heard from her since Easter Sunday? Today of all days!!

I have not replied to her as I don't trust her anymore. I would love to have a relationship with her but i fear she will cut me out of her life again and I don't think I can take that.

I believe she should show her love and earn my respect in other ways instead of a text. I wish she hadn't done this as now I am upset and so confused. I'm sure she is expecting things to be all "happy" again now and that she expects me to forget the way she has treated me!

Oh God...I don't know what to do. Think I will go back to bed for the rest of the day to try to forget every thing.

Thanks for "listening'

[White_Rose]

Dear Lucy

Anniversaries are so hard.  They focus our attention on our loss and we often become consumed by grief once more.   It is unfortunate that your other daughter is not available to be with you today as you really need some support.  Can you phone her and have a chat?  This may help your grief.

Have you found another psychologist yet?  Your GP will be able to help you with this.  Or did you find out where your previous psychologist had gone?.  I feel you really need to continue with some therapy as you are so down. 

I can't remember whether or not anyone has told you about accessing a psychologist for free. Briefly your GP needs to write a mental health plan and include psychologist visits.  You are entitled to 12 free visits.  Talk to your doctor soon.

Do you want to keep in contact with 'the daughter'?  There are pros and cons and a useful exercise may be to write these down. Two columns.  Good things about keeping in contact with her and good things about cutting the contact.

Another way is to have two columns and in one write the bad things about staying in contact and the bad things about cutting the contact and see which is the longer list.  There are all sorts of variations on this.  Try it and work out how you really feel.

By that I mean, how much will you miss her if you have no contact and how much will your life improve without her.  You may be surprised at your conclusions. 

I agree that her text sounded a little tactless.  Do you believe she misses her sister?  When you receive a call/text/email whatever that upsets you do what you did today and refrain from replying. 

I feel for you very much at this time.  I wish you peace and contentment.

White Rose

[Lucylou]

Thanks White Rose

I managed a short chat with my other daughter yesterday; short because she was on a late shift. My old psychologist had moved too far away from me unfortunately so I will have to find another one around where I live.

"Do you want to keep in contact with THE daughter?" At this stage I really don't know as my fear is something will set her off a few months down the track and I will be back hurting and wondering why she does this. She has done this so many times now! Oh....not only did I receive the text yesterday but she unblocked me from her Facebook page! 

If this is her way of wanting things to be better it doesn't cut with me. No phone calls or anything....maybe I am just being stubborn?

I am going to sit down and do the pros and cons exercise you suggested. If it doesn't work out my youngest daughter will be devastated as she wants us all to get along with each other; especially with her bubs' arrival. 

I am actually feeling angry with the daughters pathetic way of her saying she wants to be in contact again....arrgggg confusion!!

[Lucylou]

I don't understand THE daughter....does she enjoy hurting me so much?

2 days ago I gave in and sent her a text telling her that my door was always open for her and that I loved her. Once again there has been no response from her; it's as though I don't exist!! It's pointless trying to ring her as she doesn't answer her phone; she does this with everyone.

I know she is going to ruin or make things difficult for my other daughter as the birth of the baby gets nearer. She wants to be there in the room when the bub is born but so do I and I know this is upsetting my younger daughter. 

A friend of my younger daughter wants to organise a baby shower for her and rang THE daughter up to see if she could help. She said she is too busy with the kids and work.....Unbelievable!!! The kids are all at school, the youngest being 11 and she only works part time. 

She sure knows how to upset me! I rang my youngest daughters' friend and offered to help. Why would a person do this to her sister yet still expect to be there at the birth.....I just don't know where her brain is at and she seems to get off in hurting the people closest to her!! 

[Struggler]

Hi Lucy

I am 59 and like you I live alone.  I also have two grown up daughters who work interstate but come back visit often.  Your older daughter is similar to my younger one.  My husband & I separated when the girls were 15 and 11.  While still in school, my older one was very shy and lacked confidence.  I focused most of my time encouraging the older, shy one, helped her with her school work etc.  She is now very successful.  In the meantime the younger one who is confident and a quick learner resented me.  I tried to make it up to her however but she pushed me away.  No matter, I persevered and provided all the support she needed, especially financial support and now she is also very successful.   

Although I have regular contact with the younger one, there is no closeness.  At least that is how I feel.  She puts her boyfriend's family before her own for instance.  She uses my house like a hotel when she returns from interstate to visit friends.  I have helped her financially, big time when her father refused.  He never has money but managed to have cruises and overseas trips with his girlfriend of the day.  

If I say something not to her liking, she jumps down my throat.  I walk on eggshell when she is around.  Anyway, it is to long and this is your thread.  What I am trying to say is I think I over compensated for when I spent so much time with the older, shy one.  Yes I over compensated and let her walk all over me to the detriment of my own health.  I need not feel guilty anymore.  

I am pulling back in reaching out and stop financial assistance from now on.  Just this evening, she sent a text back and berated me for saying something she did not like.  I feel so used.  Like people on this site, I suffer from depression.  I must learn to protect my mental health first and foremost.  

For the sake of your mental health Lucy, pull back.   I know how tempting it is to respond right away when our children contact us.  We have to give them distance and time to think about their actions.  You have already done too much.  Now sit back and if she doesn't make the first move and treat you with respect, she is not worth it.  Harsh but true.  Sometimes blood is not always  thicker than water.   This is sad bit also true. 

Struggler

[Lucylou]

Hi Struggler

My girls were about the same age when I was divorced also. THE daughter has still not responded to my text messages and I am done with her!

The sad part is she is making me out to be the bad one to my grandkids. My eldest grandson (17) told my other daughter that I don't see them because I don't care. This really hurts but I am not going to go to her place where I am not wanted and will probably be asked to leave......this has happened to me before. I popped in to see my new grand child and was told that I wasn't invited and I had better go!! 

I have been reflecting on things and really THE daughters attitude started when I divorced her father. She did not and still doesn't want to realise that her father was and still is a controlling alcoholic. When he made fun of me and put me down in front of all his friends I decided I'd had enough. Now he does it to his new wife and the daughter had noticed it but doesn't relate that it happened to me as well. Hope that makes sense.

What makes me angry and depressed is she is carrying on with her life as though nothing has happened and I'm driving myself insane trying to find an answer as to why she treats me like this.

I am not going to try to contact her anymore (she doesn't respond anyway) and I'm concentrating on my other daughters pregnancy and future grand son. 

Life is strange.....while one hates me the other just now sent a text to me from work checking up on me to see if I was ok!!

[Struggler]

Hi Lucy

Isn't it strange with children?  My older one is caring and always sends message to check on me.  The younger doesn't seem to care.  My situation is a bit similar to yours. 

On the question of Facebook, I find it too intrusive and causes too many problems among family members.  Couple of days ago, I deactivated my account so I am rid of that stressor. 

I think we have to create our own lives.  I don't ever want to appear needy.  If we are needy, our children, indeed anybody else will avoid us and run away.  So maybe it is a good idea to devote some of your time on hobbies or anything else.  This way you are not just focusing on the daughter and upcoming new grandchild.  She and her husband might resent you for being so central to their lives.  We need to give them the distance to appreciate us.  

You no longer visit THE daughter uninvited anymore, do you? If she ever asks you for help, babysit or something else, would you consider setting up a boundary?  Say to THE daughter that she will have to make a request in advance for you to consider because you have a life too.  

I am not much younger than you.  We are neither young nor old.  We're too young to retire but too old to gain new employment or start a new career.  That's from the perspective of companies, not mine.  

I have become unemployed recently and try as I do, I have to be realistic that I'll never find work in the same field again.  I have to wait till I am 67 to get the pension.  Meanwhile I live on my assets because Centrelink won't give me Newstart allowance.  This also means I don't have to look for jobs that ain't there.  

I already have found a self employed opportunity that I can do at home, starting in July, next month.  The money will help pay bills.  More importantly, it will occupy my mind and reduce the hours that I spend on feeling sad.  Actually, I feel sad all the time.  

Feeling sad all the time, yes.  I spent this whole long weekend in my pj, did not leave my house, not even my backyard, only got up to eat.  I used milk powder for three days because I could not find the motivation to get dressed to go out.  Today the shops are open and I really need fresh milk and fresh veggies.  While in the supermarket, I started to weep.  Oh so embarrassing, I pushed the trolley to a corner and I turned my face to a row of tin soup pretending to read the label so no one would see the tears rolling down my face.  

Struggler