Hi Amon
It sounds like you've done a lot of work in the way of greater self understanding and hit on a number of revelations that have come to serve you well over time. I think that's one of the things about mental and even soulful or soul destroying challenges, such things force us to search for and develop a greater sense of understanding, so as to alleviate the suffering that can be felt.
The amount of times I used to question 'What's wrong with me? Why do I always return or cycle back into depression?' I lost count of. Then it hit me one day, it's not simply about cycling 'round and 'round, it's about cycling up. The reason it made such a huge difference is based on the fact that if I hit on a set of mind altering revelations, then technically they should take or raise me up and out of the depression I'm in. So now I'm more inclined to be a seeker (of what I need to know) rather than a sufferer based on what I don't know. Of course, seeking or searching doesn't automatically get rid of the suffering but it is more empowering. There is also relief in knowing that I'm not simply 'prone to depression and may suffer with it for the rest of my life', I'm more so someone who graduates through what feel like depressing or incredibly stressful challenges. Graduating to next level consciousness or awareness over and over is a life long experience, hence what can feel like never ending suffering. In 'the school of hard knocks' the lessons can be tough to say the least. Pays to have great guides or teachers. The Buddha has been a brilliant guide and teacher for many.
Speaking of great guides, I once asked my brother 'How do you manage stress?'. His response was 'Create certainty wherever you can'. While he admits to being a hopeful person, he never relies on hope. He relies on certainty. We can't hope our partner understands how we feel, we need to make certain by telling them. We can't hope the fridge doesn't pack up, based on the sound it's making. Having someone service it or buying a new one makes things certain. Hoping for some new revelation to fall into our lap is not enough. Sometimes it takes a lot of research or guidance in order to make certain the revelations come sooner rather than later. Such a simple piece of advice, 'Create certainty wherever you can', yet empowering. My brother admits that it doesn't work for everything but many things.
For a sensitive person or someone who can sense the way forward through what they see in their mind, feel in their body (gut instinct, for example), hear in the way of intuition/constructive inner dialogue etc, it can feel like such abilities have completely left us at times. We can feel 'broken' in some way on such occasions. I've found such abilities are always there to be accessed but can't be accessed under ongoing intense stress or depression. They can be accessed for a period of time in such states, through meditation. As you'd know, based on your experience, a deep meditation involves the absence of stress and upset. The meditation becomes the window or doorway of opportunity, to go through, access and bring back what you need. Developing the type of meditation that allows us to do this can be one of life's greatest challenges. I've found it also pays to find a seer, a feeler or a hearer who can share with us what they can see, feel and hear for us regarding the way forward.
