Feeling guilt and shame about be on a disability allowance

[Alittlebitofpeace]

Hi I have clinical depression and anxiety, I'm on a disability allowance. I'm 56. I come from emotionally abusive relationships. I have 4 children,one still at home. It looks like I'm doing great. I have a passion for needlework and quilting and I am blessed to have all the stuff I need to create. This sounds ridiculous I know. Sometimes I am frozen still with the knowing that other people are out there earning a living and I'm not. I've been called a bludger by x partner for this and it sticks. I teach my skills at the local shop and I have lots to do but the guilt makes everything unenjoyable. Even when I'm doing things I love I am thinking negative thoughts continuously and it seems like I have to push myself to do even fun things. I all sounds like crap and when I'm well I can see the sillyness of it all. This is a major problem for me. Mostly feeling very useless and unworthy. Does anyone else feel like this?

[Doolhof]

Hi Alittlebitofpeace,

October last year I left work due to my metal health and also due to back problems. Earlier this year, I was able to receive a temporary disability pension. When the 6 months are up, I will be reviewed.

I do understand where your thoughts are coming from, especially so as you have had quite negative comments thrown at you.

Not working makes me feel like I have no purpose and that I should be out there looking for work despite my issues.

Negative thoughts, feelings and emotions can be hard to understand and ignore at times, especially so when you feel depressed. You have mentioned you can see the silliness in believe the negativity when you are feeling good. That is something you need to remind yourself.

I feel fortunate to be receiving benefits. I have a couple of volunteer positions I enjoy and feel like I am contributing that way. There are days too when I feel guilty for enjoying my day.

I would much rather be out there working in a paid job, just now that isn't happening. I am very thankful for my benefit, it gets me by right now.

Sometimes it is difficult to get into arts and crafts and other things we enjoy when we are feeling down. I pick up my quilting, then put it down again and tell myself I will get into it later! Ha. Ha.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools or Dools

[Alittlebitofpeace]

Thanks for your reply Dool. I too am thankful for my benefit. I know I am not able to work. I guess I really take on board what some people throw at me. I am a good Mum, that has to count for something. If I was working I'd probably want to be at home. It makes me feel very ungrateful sometimes. It's really hard, mainly the anxiety.

[white knight]

Hi and welcome

Ive been on DSP for 4 years, I'm 61yo. Ive worked in the security industry and worked 18 years in my own investigation company.

Ladt night I looked up "seek" for work even though I cant. My main issue is lack of tolerance of pompous, arrogant, nasty, scheming, bullying people.

So guilt remains for a long time.

As we are sensitive people some people insist we "harden up". This is unfair because we are who we are but it will never stop so we need t ok form an insulation around us to protect ourselves.

This is clearly mentioned in the thread....use google....

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

Gaining confidence isnt easy. Try this thread

Topic: depression and sensitivity, a connection?- beyondblue

Topic: being positive what's the secret- beyondblue

Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue

Tony WK

[Alittlebitofpeace]

Hi white night. Than you so much I will look those up. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. Yes some people are so judgmental and nasty. Thanks for the support.

[topsy_]

Hi alittlebitofpeace

I feel exactly like you do. I've been on the DSP for about 30 years now. My parents have been the worst critics. Talking about how hard they work & how they resent their taxes being given to someone like me who obviously doesn't want to work.

Honestly, I'd have had such a better life if I had been able to work. It would have made raising 3 daughters as a single parent so much easier if I'd been able to work.

So I feel useless. I keep imagining when I die & front up to the gates of heaven, God's going to say I wasted my whole life & I'm not allowed in!!

Its hard to feel worthwhile.

Wishing you well, Lyn.

[white knight]

Yellownanna,

You be proud of raising 3 kids and that parents attitude can indeed be very wrong. That is difficult to accept but its true.

I had a neighbour visit. I said to her "what have you been up to" she said "working, paying taxes to keep you people at home" my reply "so if you think I shouldnt be off work show me your psychiatrists qualifications"

It gets me really angry. I worked for40 years, served my country, worked in jails, etc. How dare they!

Rant over lol

Tony WK

[white knight]

Here's another thread

Topic: they just wont understand why?- beyondblue

It explains why others dont get it.

Tony WK

[geoff]

hello Alittlebitofpeace, no one should judge you on whether or not you are on a DSP, they don't know how you are actually feeling, remember a lot of times we still put on the fake face which makes people believe we should be out there working, but none of them know that you are having negative thoughts, because you keep them to yourself, we all know what this means, because we're had it ourselves.
Once I had a breakdown I was put on DSP and that was 22 years ago, and it's certainly not handed out freely, and if Centrelink believe you should be on it, then there is no reason why you should question it.
Centrelink keeps changing the rules making it much harder for people, trying to cut costs, but certainly not appreciating how much people who have an injury or an illness need to rely on it for support.
It doesn't when there are days that you feel OK because you're never sure how you will feel the next day. Geoff.

[Doolhof]

Hello Alittlebitofpiece and Lyn,

Sometimes the words of others can cut us deeply. There are times when we need to find ways to let those words flow over us and not stick in our minds.

I know that is a lot easier said than done! I hope you both find ways to count your blessings and realise how special you are.

Lyn, please don't feel useless. You have been very blessed to be able to raise your children. No doubt it has been a struggle for you at times on a limited income. God is not going to kick you out of heaven because you have been on benefits.

We can all find our sense of self worth right now, right where we are.

Sending you both best wishes for a day where you feel precious and very worthy!

Cheers from Dools